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#93. ponies, pursuing education & becoming a beginner

Writer's picture: Devyn Penney Devyn Penney

Updated: Sep 23, 2024




Age: 25

Relationship Status:  Engaged

Occupation:  Statistics Ph.D. Candidate/Quantitative Researcher

Income:  $350,000

Astrological Sign: Gemini

 

What is the first thing you do when you wake up? 

The first thing I do when I wake up is rub my eyes and check the time. I usually wake up before my alarm and lay there thinking about the day/whatever I’m worried about at that moment until I either have to go to the bathroom or the alarm goes off.

 

Have you ever felt genuine fulfillment? When? 

The only genuine fulfillment I’ve ever felt is when I lay down with my fiancé in the evening. When we lay skin to skin, chest to chest, the world melts away, and I feel fulfilled, safe, and heard. My accomplishments have never really been enough to fill that void. It felt like there was always something missing or something to do next.

 

What is your most repetitive, negative thought? 

My most repetitive thought, by far, is, “What if you made the wrong decision?” It’s infected my thoughts on work, my degrees, the path I’ve chosen in life, and pretty much every other aspect where I’m allowed to think about my present being. Maybe it’s me thinking like a statistician, but the chance of failure and the possibility of me choosing the “wrong” option in life is very pervasive. Even though, deep down, I know there are no “wrong” choices in life – just those we have to deal with.

 

What is your most repetitive, positive thought? 

“You’re doing great.” I know it’s really simple, but when work is stressful, I feel as though I’m not progressing how I’d like in my hobbies, and when I feel like I’m falling behind in other aspects of life, that little reminder really does a lot. Sometimes being able to step back and remove myself from a situation and reminding myself that I’m doing very well for myself, is enough to snap me out of a cycle of negative thoughts.

 

What is one thing that surprised you about adulthood? 

I was surprised at how lonely it is. Growing up, it seemed like my parents constantly, organically met people and made friends. They always had people to talk to and events to go to. Now that I’m an adult, I find that it’s not only hard to find people with common interests, but hard to find people that even want to talk. Maybe it’s just because I was a child when I observed my parents’ social interactions and didn’t notice how hard it was for them, but it (at least in my eyes) feels much harder to even engage others my age in a meaningful way that doesn’t involve talking about the latest political conflict or piece of media that I haven’t seen.

 

What are three things you want to put every woman onto? 

1. A consistent dental routine that you can afford. No, seriously. Having poor genetics, on top of the fact that I didn’t take care of my teeth at a young age, meant that I had to spend a lot of money to fix my issues. The ridiculous dental bills weren’t worth me going to bed without brushing my teeth because I simply didn’t feel like brushing and flossing.

2. Always keep learning. Find free resources and keep taking in information. Your brain is very much a “use it or lose it” sort of entity, and you will never regret having an endless thirst for knowledge. You don’t even have to limit yourself to academic pursuits. Find something that sets your soul on fire and learn about it until you can’t stand it anymore. Your special interests and passions make you interesting and keep you sane.

3. Ditching hobbies that don’t serve you. Just because you were really good at something as a child doesn’t mean you have to hang onto it. Don’t let the Sunk Cost Fallacy get to you. It’s never too late to start over and become a beginner again. Don’t let your pride of not being perfect get in the way of doing something you love in your adult form, even if you might be bad at it at first. Life is too short to care about what judgmental people think. Do you want to start ballet? Do it. Do you want to start equestrian classes? Do it. Do you want to learn an instrument? Do it. Money for passions comes and goes (within reason), but time spent ruminating on the judgment of others is always a waste of time because it will never make you happy.

 

Rank the following from most to least important:

money, food, sex, love, and laughter (feel free to explain or don’t).

Love, laughter, food, sex, money.

Love and laughter are some of the rarest commodities you’ll find in the adult world, at least from what I’ve experienced. Yeah, food, intimacy, and money are important to some degree and must be considered with nuance, but if you let those run your life without love and laughter in the equation, you’ll be perpetually empty. They will never fulfill you long term, and those that are the most unhappy haven’t realized that yet.

 

How has your relationship with your parents/ guardians changed in adulthood? 

I’m not sure how it changed specifically, but after I left home to pursue my education, they got very distant. I don’t discuss politics or any of my work with them, as I only want to focus on family matters and nurturing conversations, like when I was younger. However, when I visit them, my father watches Fox News in his room without acknowledging me, and my mother ignores both of us by watching reality TV and scrolling on Facebook. I’ve had to mourn the loss of my parents because their preferred media now essentially controls their lives. Unless it’s to go to the local Mexican restaurant around the corner from their neighborhood, they won’t consider going anywhere with me because they would rather sit at home. They simply don’t talk to me unless it is to send me a political video or a podcast clip on Facebook. I just want my parents back. I just want to hold them again and talk about all of our interests and the funny things in life. I miss who they used to be.

 

When do you feel most like yourself? 

When I’m learning about something new, or I’m in the midst of my favorite hobbies, I really feel connected to myself and my inner child – the one that used to love school loved to dance, loved to ride horses with my face in the wind, and loved to sneakily read with a flashlight under the covers at night. She’s still very much alive inside me, and any chance I get to feel like her, I take gratefully.

 

What is the best compliment someone has ever given you? 

Any compliment my fiancé has ever given me is the best one I’ve ever received.

 

How do you feel about falling in love? 

Fall in love whenever you can. Not just with people, but with anything. Love is what makes this life full of tribulations worth living. You can’t look at the world in all its horrible agony and not acknowledge that it’s also full of love. The only difference is you must seek it out and seek it often. While agony and hate rage in the open, love is quiet and discreet. It’s a gentle creature. The plants swaying gently in the wind and sunshine? That’s love. Getting ready before a night out with a friend? That’s love. A small gesture from a person you care about? That’s love. Let your compassion and love drive you in life and happiness will follow. And don’t forget to give love to others. That’s almost more important than finding it in the first place.

 

What is one thing you’re sick of hearing?

The “all men are bad” and “all women are bad” arguments. We need each other and we need support now more than ever. There are deep issues that we need to resolve, but continuing to point the finger at each other and throw stones is only hurting society as a whole. We are raising an angry generation of young people who are watching us grown adults throw hate around and take pride in hurting our community members, and they will do the same if we don’t set a better example. Until we can come together to compromise and take accountability on both sides, nothing is going to get better.

 

How often do you feel alone? 

Rarely. I’m a natural introvert and, aside from my fiancé and best friend, social interactions are very draining for me.

 

What is one thing you hope everyone experiences in their lifetime? 

True, fully requited, unashamed love for the person who can make you smile on your darkest days. I believe that everyone, regardless of race, gender, sex, creed, etc. should try to experience it at least once in their life. Feeling your humanness and exploring genuine love for another person outside yourself is a beautiful experience that I’m grateful I get to have every day.

 

What is the best decision you’ve ever made? 

Deciding to pursue my education. I will never regret satisfying my lust for knowledge and curiosity. No one can ever take away my education.

 

When do you feel most at ease? 

I felt the most at ease sitting in the old horse barn I kept my first pony in. The old, run-down wood, smell of hay, and gentle fall breeze were always enough to set me at ease, regardless of how intense the world outside was. It was torn down for a neighborhood development a few years ago, and I miss it every day. I hope that I can find that sort of peace again.

 

What does having a successful life mean to you? 

A life full of love, happiness, and learning is one of success to me. If I know I have lived my life giving love to others every day, making those around me laugh, and learning something new whenever I could, I would die happy.

 

How often do you think about your body? 

Constantly. It’s a horrible habit, but I constantly think about being skinnier and what my outfit would look like if I were that much thinner. I wish I could stop unconsciously thinking about it.

 

When do you ask for help? 

As soon as I need it. I’ve learned several times over that waiting until it’s a dire emergency is always the wrong decision. Don’t wait until you cannot be helped. Don’t wait until the house is engulfed in flames to call the fire department. Put the fire out as soon as you even see the first sign of smoke.

 

What is something you feel strongly about?

Drugs and addiction to substances are more common than we could ever realize. Functioning addicts are all around us, and we don’t even know it - myself included. It’s so normalized at this point that you’d never be able to spot an addict. Alcohol and hard drugs aren’t the only addictions in this world. Often, one of the worst addictions is the seemingly innocuous phone in your pocket.

BONUS: Tell me something good. 

I’m about to indulge in a sweet treat right after I send this :) I haven’t had ice cream in over a month, and I’m finally going to get a scoop and watch the sunset in my car.

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