#359. bipolar disorder, being yourself & an attempt to feel something

Age: 21

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Barista

Income: Minimum Wage + Tips

Astrological Sign: Sagittarius

If you had an extra hour each day, what would you do with it?

If I had an extra hour each day, I would ideally spend that time making music and putting more energy into my passions. Realistically, though, if I had an extra hour each day, I would probably spend it getting more sleep.

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

“You have a beautiful soul, learn to love it.”

What is the worst piece of advice you have ever received?

Well, my father advised me to enlist in the military, which is probably the worst advice I ever received, and I absolutely did not follow his advice.

When have you felt most accepted?

I have felt most accepted in my life when I stopped letting the fear of being strange or awkward guide my interactions. I’ve made relationships with some of the most accepting and genuine people when I stopped worrying about my awkward quirks, and just let myself be who I authentically am.

When have you felt most supported?

I felt most supported when I decided recently to take a break from college due to mental health challenges. I thought that taking a break would disappoint everyone in my life, and I was convinced I was letting everyone down. However, my family and friends fully supported me in my decision, which really validated my feelings and helped me to give myself some grace.

Is there anything you are avoiding?

I’ve always struggled with being present and feel as if I live in a dissociative state most days. I smoke weed every day, if not twice a day, as an attempt to feel something, but honestly, I think it makes the dissociation worse. I’m avoiding acknowledging I have a problem, and I really need to slow it down.

Have you ever confronted a fear? How did it go?

For most of my life, I’ve been afraid to take initiative and do challenging things on my own. I went on a solo trip to Italy this past March, and it was terrifying at first. I was alone in a continent I’ve never been to, flying alone (which I had never done), and going on excursions by myself every day. Honestly, I couldn’t have had a better trip. Once I let go of my fear and let myself feel the uncomfortable feelings, I had the best trip of my life. I wouldn’t say I “found myself” in Italy, but I proved to myself that I could do hard things independent of others.

How do you cope with stress?

Sleeping, Smoking, and Sex! Also, therapy, but that’s less exciting.

What is a moment you are most proud of?

I’m most proud of when I moved to a city by myself at 18. I’m from an extremely rural Midwestern town, and moving to a city was something I always said I would do, but I’m not sure I believed it would happen. It was terrifying and a MASSIVE adjustment, but I’m so glad I did it. Moving to a big city truly helped me view human life differently, as I’ve interacted with cultures and ideas that I didn’t even know existed before I was 18.

How do you celebrate yourself?

I struggle to answer this because I’m not sure I celebrate myself very often. I’m very hard on myself and feel like I’m not good enough. This made me realize I should celebrate my accomplishments more often.

What is something that you feel like you have to earn?

Sometimes it feels like I must earn people’s respect. I don’t usually feel like I inherently deserve it, so I spend a lot of time people-pleasing. My father instilled in me from a very young age that “Respect is earned, not deserved.”

What is something you feel like you are inherently worthy of?

I feel worthy of acknowledgement. I feel triggered and angry when I feel ignored, and at the very least, I deserve to have my feelings and thoughts acknowledged, not ignored.

When was the last time you changed your mind?

This morning. I decided to take the bus to work instead of the train, and I got to work 25 minutes early as a result, which really pissed me off, honestly.

Is there anything you wish you could take back?

One time in high school, I told my choir director it looked like his teeth didn’t match his face, and I’m pretty sure I gave him a lifelong insecurity, which I still feel bad about.

What does being true to yourself mean?

Being true to myself means living truly for myself. Meaning no one is making decisions for me, every action is my responsibility, and every day I chase my dreams and passions, not anyone else’s.  If I feel in control of my life, I feel like I am being true to myself.

When do you feel in control?

When I’m medicated and have at least $1,500 in savings.

When do you feel out of control?

I feel out of control when I don’t take my meds, honestly. I have bipolar disorder, and I know I should be medicated if I want any sense of control over my life. In the past, my disorder has made me behave in a way that I felt wasn’t true to me. As long as I’m stable and rational, I’m in control.

Finish this sentence: It’s my life and…

I’m going to enjoy it.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I’ve been really busting my ass at work, and my next paycheck is going to be FATTTT, so I’m very excited for payday and for all my hard work to pay off.