#434. powerlifting, political conspiracy theories & 2000's mall culture

Age: 36

Relationship Status: Married

Occupation: Automotive sales business development associate (when you click to submit for more information about a car, I'm who you talk to)

Income: ~$30k

Astrological Sign: Sagittarius

Describe your ideal morning:

My ideal morning is waking up slowly, doing my morning routine (bathroom, brushing teeth, combing hair, adding my ear jewelry), finding something to eat, and just letting the day happen in a way that doesn't demand anything from me, especially not instantaneously. If you want instant in the morning, try oatmeal… not me.

What is the last thing you think about before going to sleep?

I try not to think before sleep because with my mental health struggles, that's asking for trouble. Instead, I've been doing this thing since I was 14, where I let stories play out in my head and distract myself with imagining fanfiction-type scenarios, which distract me enough that I fall asleep almost insultingly fast.

If you could talk openly about any of the following ‘taboo’ subjects at a dinner party: politics, religion, money, or sex, what is one question you would pose to the table?

Ooh, that's a good one. I’d ask, “What's one political conspiracy theory you believe? Why do you believe it?” Because while I'm not one for far-fetched conspiracies (especially the dog whistle-y ones), I feel you learn a lot about a person and how safe they are to be around with what they believe to be true.

What is something you wish were taught in school?

Basic maintenance skills. Cars, appliances, mending clothes - you name it. Shop class and sewing classes were optional electives in my high school, but the skills learned in them were mostly performed with machines, which is great…but so many heritage crafts and skills are done with your hands & we're losing those skills because they're not being taught. I would feel so much more capable and independent if I could change my own belts, hoses, and oil on my vehicle or hem my pants than if I paid someone else to do it.

How do you define personal happiness?

I don't know that I've defined it exactly just yet, which feels like something I should have figured out by my late 30s, but if I had to boil it down into a word, it would be freedom. So much of my life has been living up to expectations - from my parents, my family, school, friends, my faith, my community, my culture - that I don't feel like I really started seeking out my own happiness until within the last couple of years. Think about that; thirty-plus years living in a box that you let people build around you…it's grim. And yeah, there are growing pains when you first start breaking down that box, but the open sky that waits on the other side, there's nothing else like it.

When do you feel most helpless?

When I'm out of options to make things work. I was unemployed last year for eight weeks, and I think that's the one time that one particular sense of freedom made me miserable. I didn't want to read, binge-watch, listen, eat, or drink anything because I couldn't make a living and provide…I was applying to 25 to 50 or more jobs a week and just getting nothing in return. I hate feeling helpless and hopeless.

What is something you are nostalgic about?

Mall culture of the 90s and early 00s. Yeah, sure, I was either too young, broke, or far away to go, but it's like the moment I got my license and my own money that the malls near me started to die off. I remember one Christmas in high school when money was tight and somehow I got nominated for the Beta Club's Secret Santa so I thought it would be the FUNNIEST thing to make a wish list that the super straitlaced, super conservative wife of our county’s Registrar of Deeds who taught civics & supervised the Beta Club would have to go into Hot Topic to fulfill…like it was super cheap things, I didn't feel right asking for much but that woman walked right in, got a $75 gift card, and I've been gob smacked & grateful about that for 20 years. It got me my Black Parade style Tripp jacket and god, I'm nostalgic about that.

When does, or will, your life feel complete?

I don't know that I've got a good answer for that. I've spent so many years wanting success, wanting the house, wanting the family, and struggling for the bare minimum that I'm questioning what would make me feel complete, because what about what comes after? What next? I don't just want to spend my life hanging around once I've achieved all these things. That's not freedom to me…I want something to do that gives my life meaning, and maybe then I'll feel like it's complete.

What is something you have forgiven, but will never forget?

My youth pastor in high school said something hurtful about me being a child of divorce. My mom was a single parent after leaving my abusive father, and we'd moved in next door on some of my grandparents’ land. The thing about this church is my mom's family is basically church royalty - straight from the pastor's mouth - because one of my great-grands was a founding member. I didn't come into this church thinking I deserved the red carpet…I just wanted to be somewhere familiar, where I belonged after living through abuse.

And the youth pastor said to me that he had too much respect for my maternal grandfather to say it to his face, but “because I came from a dysfunctional family, I was going to Hell. Your mother should have obeyed her husband and stayed.”

You're damn right I took that personally, and I beefed with that pastor for two years over it until I left that church. He treated me like garbage the entire time, and nobody believed me, so I never told a soul.

Until his wife got busted for embezzling from the church, and I found out my grandpa's brother & sister had been the one to bust her. I waited until after they had been banned from that church and told my great uncle and great aunt why I left.

What is one decision that seemed small at the time, but completely changed the direction or course of your life?

Choosing to leave town for a for-profit career college program. Yeah, I wouldn't have chosen that program now given the school was doing shady stuff that got them investigated twice by the state attorney general before they shut down but being in a town not connected to my hometown in anyway challenged a lot of my notions about how the world worked and unburdened me from those expectations I felt from my family so I could get a notion of what it meant to be succeed or fail of my own accord as an adult. If I had the chance to leave town at that age again, I'd do it and make sure the lessons stuck this time.

What is something that comes easily to you?

Caring for others, sometimes to my own detriment.

What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

Learn to say no. My mom's family is deeply dysfunctional sometimes, and since my grandma passed, I've had to learn when to say “no, I'm not okay with how this is being done and I'm stepping back,” or “no, I'm not participating in this drama,” or “no, I'm not accepting this treatment.” Sure, it would be a lot easier if one of the family patriarchs had gone to therapy…but alas, he's been dead a few decades, and nothing can be done now about holding him accountable. Protecting your peace by not participating in the bullshit he left behind is hard but worth it.

Where is your favorite place on Earth?

Again, I have a list. But I'm missing Myrtle Beach right now, and before anyone judges me, it's because my niece and sister-in-law & their family live there. I feel like I can go there and be me, and nobody has any preconceived notions because of my family back home, since they don't know them.

If you woke up tomorrow and were in charge of EVERYTHING, what would be the first thing you would do to make the world a better place?

Universal health care with adequate staffing regulations for health care facilities. I've known too many people who get disastrously sick without adequate access to a doctor, and being someone who has a couple of serious chronic illnesses that haven't been able to manage them properly because I haven't had consistent health insurance over the last five years…I don't want anyone to struggle like I have, and I would much rather my taxes go to that than rich men fighting wars.

Finish this sentence: money can’t buy you happiness, but it can afford you…

Security and peace of mind.

What is the best thing you have been gifted or purchased on your own within the last year? 

My Pocketbook e-reader. $85 and I don't have to entertain Amazon's and Kindle’s DRM shenanigans & perpetual encroachment on independent bookstores and libraries. I can use my library’s ebook service in peace.

If you could give a woman who is 10 years younger than you a single piece of advice, what would it be?

When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.

Is there anyone who knows everything about you?

I think folks know bits & pieces and think they know the whole picture, but I have two people who are the closest to that: my husband and one of my cousins.

If you knew that life was short, what is one thing you would do right now?

I've wanted to visit where my mom's family immigrated from in Scotland since high school, but could never afford it. If I could just climb the Paps of Jura, I'd be fine with a short life.

If you knew that life was long, what is one thing you would do right now?

I'm already doing powerlifting style training, but I'd get into strongwoman-style lifting. It would be divine if I could go to the Arnold and compete. I also want to lift the Dinnie Stones.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

My niece has started competing in her first cheerleading competitions. I may be in another state, I may not get to see her that often, but don't care, still proud. As if I needed a reason, but yeah, I'm proud.