#436. shining brightly, Pablo Neruda's sonnet & skipping the photo-op

Age: 47

Relationship Status:  Single-ish (Solo-poly)

Occupation:  Financial Licensing

Income: $60K

Astrological Sign: Taurus

What is something you look forward to every day?

Honestly, my pets.  They don’t argue, talk back, or give me shit for any reason.  And if they do - it’s because there’s a legitimate issue. 

Describe how your year thus far is going, using only three words:

What the fuck.

What is the most valuable thing you have earned?

Trust, followed closely by respect.

What is the most precious thing you have lost?

See above.

Fill in the blank: if loving _____ is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Cheese, flowers, bones, metal, cats, dogs… I love too many things.  

In a room full of people, who are you looking for?

The person with a genuine smile, or with the most ridiculous laugh - they tend to be the most authentic.  Then I’m looking for the people hiding in corners, because those are probably my people.

What is the most impactful, published piece of writing you have read?

There are two - first, and don’t laugh, is The Stand by Stephen King. I mean, it’s an epic freaking story about the fall and hubris of man, and the constant battle between good and evil.  Is there some cheese?  Yes.  Did it age well… eh, not exactly, but it’s still a classic.

The second: Pablo Neruda’s Sonnet XVII - I get goosebumps just thinking about it.  “I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz/ or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:/ I love you as one loves certain obscure things,/ secretly, between the shadow and the soul.”

That’s the line everyone knows - but the whole of it - just three stanzas - manages to share an idea of love that is transcendent, beautiful, and something most strive for, but few ever reach.

When I am self-loathing, I tend to…

Berate myself internally.  Brutally.  I say things to myself I can’t bring myself to say out loud.  I’m working on it.  

When I am self-loving, I tend to…

Shine pretty brightly, wear jewelry, smile big, garner attention.  Whether I want it or not. People notice when you’re happy.

If you had endless amounts of talent and skill, what would you want to be famous or known for?  

I don’t think I would enjoy being famous.  Too many eyes and your life is constantly being judged and measured.  I’m a florist - though I haven’t worked at it in some time, because the pay is shit unless you’re with a huge company.  I wouldn’t mind leveling up that skill - but I’d still rather just be known versus famous.  If that makes sense?

How does the best relationship in your life make you feel?

Wanted - and there’s something to be said for being someone’s choice. Though I hate to say “best relationship,” as all my relationships are different.  None better or worse than the others - just different.  My relationship with my nephew makes me feel protective.  My relationship with my sisters makes me feel whole.  With my lovers, I feel wanted. With my friends, I feel loved.

When do you feel most inspired?

When I’m learning something new - or when I’m able to break down a complex idea into bite-sized parts and share it - and when I get angry.  Angry at a situation, or an idea, or a person - a thought, an institution, whatever it may be.  As soon as I get my back up - it’s like a gate opens and I can use the heat of that anger and passion to temper some pretty damn good ideas - into either literal action or creative things.

What is something that your inner child needs to hear from you? 

It wasn’t your fault. 

What is something that your future self needs to hear from you? 

Don’t get stuck in the details all the time. Enjoy life.  Enjoy your lovers. You make your own rules.

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made a different decision, and do you wish you had?  

I do.  I often wonder what my life would be like if I had said no to drugs as a teenager: would I have stayed straight and narrow, not attempted dealing?  Been the upstanding person my parents wanted?  Or what life would be like if I had been able to carry to term: would I be a good mom?  I would have an adult child now. What would it be like if I had taken that job I was offered right out of school?  I’d be a government troll, I’m sure. Or if I’d hopped on that boat with that guy?  But then I realize, I might only be 47 - but I have lived a life already - with more to come!  All my decisions got me here - and life is good.

If money were no object, what is one thing you would have an unlimited supply of?

Gummy candy & boots/shoes - Specifically Docs and Chocolaticas.

What is the most predictable thing about you?

Give me an order, and I will immediately buck it.  Even if it makes sense. And…I will always volunteer locally if needed.

What is the most unexpected thing that has ever happened to you?

My father died, four years after my mother died - on their anniversary, while he was driving.  Losing both parents before you’re 45 rocks your world.

Describe a time that you were in awe of your own courage or bravery:

I have never been in awe of my own courage or bravery. I feel like courage and bravery are words used to describe a person doing the right thing. I always try to do the right thing - even when it’s a bit scary.  I feel like bragging (probably not the best word, sorry) about it makes it less though, kind of like those people who post pictures of themselves feeding the homeless.  Just give them a damn sandwich and skip the photo-op.  The result is the same - you just don’t have an audience.

BONUS: Tell me something good. 

My life is wonderful and I wouldn’t change a thing.