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#76. crafting, taking chances & valuing peace

Writer's picture: Devyn Penney Devyn Penney



Age: 39

Relationship Status:  Married. Mother of a daughter.

Occupation:  Engineer

Income:  $160K

Astrological Sign: Leo, Taurus moon, Cancer rising

 

What is the first thing you do when you wake up? 

Feed the dogs. They’re my natural alarm clock but they tend to want to eat earlier than scheduled and will let me know about it.

 

Have you ever felt genuine fulfillment? When?

It’s usually when I have time alone. Especially when I’m sitting outside in the afternoon, with a hot tea, a book I can’t put down on my e-reader, and some knitting in my lap and nobody is interrupting. Nobody is pinging me on Teams, nobody is asking me where some random object is, nobody is complaining to me.

 

What is your most repetitive, negative thought? 

That I will never get over my driving anxiety for as long as I will live. I’m unsure how it started. It has been 10 years. I was in the thick of wedding prep and one day I felt this fear of losing control behind the wheel, or falling asleep. I started having panic attacks on freeways, in tunnels or on bridges. It has impacted my daily life and I map out my short drives in my mind the night before. This anxiety has left me feeling broken. I think about what my life will be like if I can’t drive my daughter anywhere and it makes me feel horrible. Luckily my husband is very understanding. But it makes me feel very insecure. It’s an ugly secret that I hold close to my chest, and no one really knows about it.

 

What is your most repetitive, positive thought? 

I’m so lucky. I have a lot of things to be thankful for in my life. I have so much going for me that sometimes I feel guilty when I want to complain about it. My feelings are valid but I still feel guilty.

 

What is one thing that surprised you about adulthood?

I have no close friends anymore. My 30’s have been my favorite so far, and I love this feeling of settling into the person I really want to be. My tastes and preferences have become clearer. I get energized when I’m alone and drained in social situations. Friends after the school years, college years and now motherhood have slipped through my fingers and I just root for them from afar. Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe it’s because I’m so introverted. I’ve wondered after college that everyone disappeared because I didn’t make the effort or I just wasn’t worth their time and it left me incredibly sad. But now I’m finally at peace with it.

 

What are three things you want to put every woman onto? 

  1. Finding books or a book genre that they can’t put down. Life is so much better with an addicting book that sweeps you away.

  2. Traveling or traveling alone, if you’re an introvert. Exploring and enjoying new things, eating new things, and diving deep into yourself to find out what you really value.

  3. Any activity or hobby that uses your hands. When I’m making something with my hands I get into a very calming mental state.

 

Rank the following from most to least important:

money, food, sex, love, and laughter (feel free to explain or don’t).

Money, love, laughter, food, sex. I value stability over everything. Money brings the rest of the list, and having no stability is frightening. As I’ve gotten older, sex hasn’t been a priority for me. Is it an age thing, becoming more asexual? It has been a pain point in my relationship but I’m currently actively working on it. When we get to do it, it’s great! But most of the time, I just don’t feel like it. Work stress and scheduling, maybe now that we’re parents.

 

How has your relationship with your parents/ guardians changed in adulthood?

When I was a kid, I didn’t see the problems in my parents’ marriage that I see now. The marital and mental issues. My mother’s unhappiness. It’s a difficult topic to think about. For the last 7 years we’ve had to live with them because we work full-time and they’ve helped us with childcare. I’m so thankful for it but living with them definitely put a strain on our marriage. They saved us so much money, yet I felt like I couldn’t be my true self around them. I constantly struggle between feeling grateful, feeling guilt, and feeling so sick of them. I love them, but I also want to keep them at a comfortable distance. I think about losing them in the future, and I wonder if I will regret feeling like this.

 

When do you feel most like yourself? 

When I’m by myself, with my own thoughts, in a calming place. I’m sure you can see a pattern here. I value my peace so much.

 

What is the best compliment someone has ever given you? 

“You’re so creative!” I can learn any craft if I put my mind to it, and I can do it well. It’s one thing that I love about myself.

 

How do you feel about falling in love? 

It’s great! But now I think there’s something better. Still feeling that love when you’re at your deepest, darkest depths of despair and pain. Feeling loved and supported when you’re at your worst or when you’re dealing with the worst times in your life.

 

What is one thing you’re sick of hearing?

“When are you having another kid? Your kid will be lonely with nobody to play with.” We are one and done. I cannot mentally handle another. I love my kid, but motherhood and the heaviness of it has been hard. I don’t have the most amazing relationship with my sibling, and I don’t understand why people think all siblings are destined to be best friends. “Having nobody to play with” is the most bullshit reason, as babies and kids grow into adults! What about the rest of their lives!? I’m weighing my current quality of life, my current financial state, and my mental state, and I don’t see it happening.

 

How often do you feel alone? 

Not that often. I’m my own best friend and my best advocate. I’m content with my own company. I probably feel the most alone when I get into arguments with my husband. Thankfully, they’ve been short-lived because we talked it out.

 

What is one thing you hope everyone experiences in their lifetime? 

A love that lasts through the darkest times of your life. And the love of a pet that knows your soul.

 

What is one thing you hope no one has to experience in their lifetime?

The death of a pet. It’s inevitable, but it hurts so much. The deepest pain I have felt in my life thus far.

 

What is the best decision you’ve ever made? 

Taking a chance on my husband when we were just friends.

 

When do you feel most at ease? 

Chilling at home with no plans.

 

What does having a successful life mean to you? 

A job that isn’t overly stressful and that pays enough money for you to support your family, your hobbies, and your travel. And a supportive family that you love and that you can laugh with. A partner who supports you and, even after knowing your deepest and darkest secrets, still loves you.

 

How often do you think about your body? 

I think about it often, as aging and motherhood has changed my face and my abdomen. I’m starting to see marionette lines forming on my face. I did not “bounce back” after having a kid. My pants are a few sizes larger than pre-pregnancy. I don’t think my body will ever be the same again. Eating healthier has been a journey, and I’m still trying to work on it.

 

When do you ask for help? 

Not as often as I should. I’m a Type A, first-born daughter of immigrants.

 

What is something you feel strongly about?

Becoming a mother has definitely made me become more feminist. There’s so much pressure to look young, thin, and beautiful, and it sucks. The patriarchy! The misogyny! The invisible workload of women. The fear of being SA’d, the fear of being killed. The world doesn’t respect women and doesn’t protect them. I was sad to find out I was having a daughter because it’s scary out there.

 

BONUS: Tell me something good. 

Nobody really gives a shit, so be selfish. Put yourself first.

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