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#75. clear energy, complimenting strangers & being cancer-free

Writer's picture: Devyn Penney Devyn Penney



Age: 26

Relationship Status:  Single

Occupation:  Graphic Designer

Income:  80k

Astrological Sign: Taurus

 

What is the first thing you do when you wake up? 

I silently curse my upstairs neighbor, who keeps me up until 1 am and wakes me up at 6 am every day (no amount of white noise + ear plugs helps)…then, I drink some water and check the weather.

 

Have you ever felt genuine fulfillment? When? 

I’ve been working through this at therapy. I don’t feel fulfilled in my job, and I really struggled with this at first because I am someone who wants to have meaning in everything I do. After much deliberation, I’ve realized it’s okay that I don’t feel it in my job. My job simply allows me to have the other beautiful moments where I do feel fulfilled, and that’s okay. I feel it when I stumble into my tiny apartment that’s all mine after a night with my friends. I feel it when I compliment a stranger on the street and watch their eyes light up. I feel it when I connect with someone new and remember there’s so much love to be had. I feel it when I give back.

 

What is your most repetitive, negative thought? 

I’m a burden and people don’t want me around.

 

What is your most repetitive, positive thought? 

That I can do anything I put my mind to.

 

What is one thing that surprised you about adulthood? 

No one really knows what they’re doing! When I was little, all adults seemed like they had it under control, that they knew what they were doing. Now that I’m 26, I realize my parents don’t even know what they’re doing! This is why I constantly try to show kindness and grace to every face I meet. We are all just trying our best. It’s all of our first time here.

 

What are three things you want to put every woman onto? 

  1. Do more things alone.

  2. Stop basing what you read off what other people rec/Goodreads reviews – read what you want to read and learn what you like and don’t. It doesn’t matter if it has 3 stars, it might be your new favorite book.

  3. Mail your friends a letter – everyone loves to get mail that isn’t a bill but we rarely do anymore.

 

Rank the following from most to least important:

money, food, sex, love, and laughter (feel free to explain or don’t).

Laughter, love, money, food, sex

The days that I’ve spent laughing with those I love most, have healed my soul and reminded me what life is about. The days that I have sex, or a really delicious meal do not stand out to me. Money is neutral because I do not believe it should have as much power as it does, but I do wish to be comfortable enough to never have to worry about it.

 

How has your relationship with your parents/ guardians changed in adulthood? 

I have always been a rule-follower and someone who looks for her parents’ approval in everything she does. I am trying to unlearn this in adulthood because I know the life I want to live might not be what my parents think is best for me. I’m trying to remind myself that it’s my life, not theirs, and I can still try to make them proud while doing what makes me happy. I also try to remember that they might not know what’s best for me. It’s their first time here, too. I try to give all of us grace as we navigate our differences in life, as I become my own person outside of their house.

 

When do you feel most like yourself? 

When I’m with people who I feel truly “get” me, and the love and energy feel reciprocated. I’ve spent a lot of my life around people who I don’t feel understand me or care about me, and it’s a completely exhausting experience. I try not to waste my time and energy on those as I’ve gotten older.

 

What is the best compliment someone has ever given you? 

At my birthday party one year, we put up a board where you could leave a note for me to read later. Someone wrote, “Your energy is clear, even to strangers,” and I think about it constantly as I go about my days. I’m not sure who wrote it, but I have an inkling it was someone I had met the week earlier on a night out, and it quickly became clear that it was a necessity that this stranger attend my birthday party the following weekend.

 

How do you feel about falling in love? 

I don’t know because I’ve never experienced it. I’ve had crushes and “things” and I think I thought I loved some of them, but I’ve never had the grand gestures and sweeping, swooping love. I’m not sure it will happen for me. Most of the relationship examples in my life have not been healthy, and most of the time, I feel I’m better off alone than settling into something that’s anything like those relationships.

 

What is one thing you’re sick of hearing?

“You’ll find someone when you least expect it.” Usually from someone who has never been single/alone in their life.

 

How often do you feel alone? 

I feel alone every day, but I rarely feel lonely. I live alone for the first time in my life; most of my friends are in relationships, and I’m in a different state than my family. I prioritize seeing people throughout the week who truly fill my cup, which lessens the loneliness.

 

What is one thing you hope everyone experiences in their lifetime? 

Living alone. I know it is something that not everyone is interested in or able to afford to do, but I wish everyone had the privilege and ability. I have learned so much about myself in the discomfort of being alone with too much time on my hands. I’ve learned what I like to do when I like to eat, what I like to listen to, and who I like to be around. I feel an immense amount of pride that I’ve been able to do it for myself, but I acknowledge I am so lucky to be in the position to do it.

 

What is one thing you hope no one has to experience in their lifetime?

Cancer and everything that comes with it. I was diagnosed with a reproductive cancer a year and a half ago. It has been the most difficult and isolating experience. It led to me having to get a hysterectomy just days after I turned 26. I never knew if I wanted kids or not. Still, the ability to carry my own being taken away from me has been debilitating, especially as I begin watching women, I’ve grown up with announce their pregnancies. I feel quite certain it will be a life-long challenge. On my most difficult days, I silently beg for someone in my life to be able to understand what I’m going through before I remind myself – I hope no one in my life ever has to.

 

What is the best decision you’ve ever made? 

Moving to a big city for college. I struggle every day with being the “long-distance daughter” and feeling like I am missing out on so much of life with my family and friends there. On the other hand, I’ve become my own person and built a life I love in a city that now feels like home. I’ve made friends I’ll have for life and had experiences I could only dream of. Some days I question my decision to move here and still live here. Some days I know it’s the only right decision I’ve ever really made.

 

When do you feel most at ease? 

When I’m alone in my clean apartment doing something I love with nowhere else to be – most notably: writing, reading, or painting.

 

What does having a successful life mean to you? 

I’ve always felt like success, for me, would be having a home that is large enough to have my own studio and a library with a full wall bookshelf with a ladder and many spots to sleep – a place where everyone can and wants to gather and where all in my life are welcome.

 

How often do you think about your body? 

Every day since I was probably 8 years old. I’ve been overweight my whole life, and even when there are days and times where I feel at peace in and accepting of my body, I realize that the world I live in isn’t. It’s something so constant.

 

When do you ask for help? 

When I need it. I am a very independent person, and I like to be able to do things on my own, but I also think we aren’t really meant to do this all alone. I ask for help and clarification at work because I want to produce the best result possible for everyone. I ask my friends for favors in hopes that I can return it to them when they need it. I see a therapist because I have mental health issues, and I want to be the best version of myself.

 

What is something you feel strongly about?

Being kind. I think, especially in the comments of social media posts, we’ve gotten too comfortable being mean to each other.

 

BONUS: Tell me something good. 

Despite it being a bittersweet situation, I’m finally completely cancer-free, with a great probability of it not returning. I am so grateful.

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