Age: 27
Relationship Status: (newly) single
Occupation: undergrad student
Income: $0
Astrological Sign: Aries
What is the first thing you do when you wake up?
I usually stretch and grab my phone, scrolling for a little bit—like a precursory scroll, nothing crazy. If not this, then I'll get up and brush my teeth pretty immediately, and then feed my dog.
Have you ever felt genuine fulfillment? When?
I think I did in 2019, right before the pandemic changed a lot of things for me. During that time, I was hitting all cylinders, felt and looked healthy, and was focused on my schooling and job. My relationship with my partner at the time was really supportive and loving. We both pushed each other to be our best selves.
What is your most repetitive, negative thought?
That I'm turning into my father. I worry constantly that as I've gone through being a caregiver for my mother, and subsequently her death, has changed me for the worse. I've seen some things that show me I've reverted back to bad habits, negative ways of speaking to myself/others, and my view of the world. My father is a negative, angry, loud, and immature man. I fear I've adopted his negativity. I fear losing my mom has soured me in a way I might not recover from, but I'm hopeful I can re-correct the parts of me similar to my father that I do not care for (thank you, therapy.) And also, lowkey F U to my ex who pointed the negativity out to me. That was cold, and you really couldn't back up that comment.
What is your most repetitive, positive thought?
(This really took a moment to answer.) That things will work out someday. If they don't feel like they haven't exactly worked out, then it hasn't happened just yet. I'm not looking for perfect; I'd just love to be financially secure, live in my own space, and love someone fully while being loved fully in return.
What is one thing that surprised you about adulthood?
How little everyone knows. How we don't have to hear someone's opinion on some kind of matter and immediately believe it or hold that opinion over our own. Opinion comes from preference, life experience, temperament—so many different things. I don't need to beat myself up if someone has a different opinion than my own, and it certainly doesn't mean I've gone wrong somewhere. Maybe they have, maybe I have, or maybe we're all so fucked and have no good ideas about anything. That feels digestible to me; there's a camaraderie there that settles my worries.
What are three things you want to put every woman onto?
Putting lotion on and THEN the perfume makes it last, baby.
Having more female friendships. I often gravitated toward making friends with men because I didn't always feel like a typical woman. I felt too large/tall and didn't center certain things the women around me did. That was fine at the time, but since losing my mom—maybe even a few years before she passed—I started craving interactions with other women. Chatting with another woman about things only we'd know and understand, laughing and eating together. Crying and being there for one another. I value my friendships with other women so much more; it's such a special thing. Maybe I hadn't yet found the right woman who really got me. But god, when someone gets you, it's such a liberating feeling. I love women. I could cry about it at any time. Being a woman feels poetic, and finding others who understand that feeling is special.
Just go and watch Fleabag.
Rank the following from most to least important:
money, food, sex, love, and laughter (feel free to explain or don’t).
Although I'm heartbroken right now, I'd say love is first. You can have love and mediocre sex (even though both being phenomenal would be... phenomenal. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot for love, but that's just me.) Money next, because financial security is a big thing I'm working toward. Then sex, then laughter. Laughter is important but I'm assuming that if I'm truly in love, there will be laughter... and good sex. It all works out in my head somehow.
How has your relationship with your parents/ guardians changed in adulthood?
When I shifted from teenhood to adulthood, I realized I had been mirroring my father and basing everything about myself on him. My opinions, the way I spoke, my decision-making, and my ideals. I learned how much I had neglected my relationship with my mom, as I had been viewing her the exact way my father was. From 23 to 26, I repaired that relationship with my mom, and we were inseparable when she finally passed. I'd apologized for all the times I'd sided with him, for being a moody teenager, for not being there for her more. She understood I was young and had followed after the more domineering parent. I gave my all in taking care of her during the time she was sick and made sure she was comfortable in her final weeks. My father treated her poorly in her final few months. My relationship with him is currently strained. I love him differently because of it and don't assume I'll ever see him the same again.
When do you feel most like yourself?
When I'm around others whom I don't feel I have to perform for. I felt this way with my ex during the six years we were together. I definitely didn't feel like myself in the final six months. I lost myself a bit trying to anxiously love him harder, as I'd noticed he'd stepped back, mentally and physically. I'm most like myself around the friends who ask me about how I'm doing, and then ask follow-up questions.
What is the best compliment someone has ever given you?
There's one compliment that was so nice I think my brain blocked it out because I didn’t feel deserving. I wish I could remember, but I can say that others have told me that my confidence or my sureness and execution in doing something are admirable. Which is funny because I feel like I'm winging it so damn hard (lol). I've been complimented on being a dependable friend or a caring and generous lover. I love it when people say, "You look like your mom." That will always turn my day around, knowing I emulate her in some way.
How do you feel about falling in love?
If you asked me two years ago, I'd say it's fun and exciting and should feel like a natural progression. Today, I still think it's fun and exciting, but there are absolutely things I was willing to look past, paint over a different color to suit me, and believe were love. I know when I'm in love... but someone else can be in lust with you or care about you a lot and make that feel like love, especially when it was their first time at love. Again, I've certainly felt loved and have loved hard... but I will go into it next time damn sure the other person is looking for a serious partner and not someone that wants the fun parts of a relationship and is physically/mentally unable to accept the more difficult parts after a few years, especially during a hard time. Damn.
What is one thing you’re sick of hearing?
"Ugh, you guys should just get married!" What in the fuck. What is the point of rushing? If something is good? Why add stress and get married, especially when it isn't a thought just yet? People would look objectively at my previous relationship and gawk at it—it did look really good on paper, even toward the end. But I didn't feel good, and neither did he. When we were good, I had no issue with marriage. I assumed we'd get hitched in the future. I think the comment annoys me so much because nobody knows how a relationship is truly going except for the two people in it. That kind of pressure doesn't feel good, even when things are going well. What more am I going to find in a marriage when I'm not ready for it? When I don't want it? We should all totally stay out of each other's business; it makes things weird. Also! "When are you guys having kids?" is a close second.
How often do you feel alone?
So. Fucking. Often. Very much so since my mom has passed. I feel alone on the commute to school, alone when I come home in the evenings to a cold, dark house with two loud and angry men. I feel alone in my room with my warm flickering candles that I hope to god will make me feel some semblance of warmth. Every time the sky is gray, I feel alone and also afraid. I'm working on this in therapy and hoping I can find peace in being by myself. I fear the winter ahead will feel even lonelier as I'm out of a long-term relationship with someone I used as an emotional crutch (he'd done the same with me as well.) Talk therapy is helpful. Wondering if I need to be medicated as well.
What is one thing you hope everyone experiences in their lifetime?
Contentment with yourself. I've felt it before, and I'm working toward getting back to it. Feeling successful, secure, and safe. The feeling of being self-assured in so many different ways. I have tears in my eyes. I miss that version of myself, and I miss that version of my ex at that time. We were both so good before the pandemic and before we both lost a parent at separate times. I know I can't be her ever again, but at the same time, she is still me. I can be another version of that me again; I can't accept any other option. I know it won't be exact, and that's completely fine.
What is one thing you hope no one has to experience in their lifetime?
Heartbreak? Sounds cheesy, but when I saw my mom slowly get more and more sick, I was preparing to lose her while spending time with her and doing the things she loved. When she passed, I was sad, but I also felt relief that she was no longer in pain, no longer confused. Breaking up with my ex was a blindside, though I'd known for a while that things weren't ok. I was afraid to bring it up; he was afraid to tell me he'd fallen out of love and, actually, didn't truly understand what love was. This grief has felt worse than losing my mom. I wasn't prepared for it, and neither was he. It felt like I lost a fucking limb, as well as a best friend, in the process. Being trauma-bonded to someone isn't a good enough excuse to stay together. I realize (3 weeks later) that I deserve better, as gut-wrenchingly painful as it's been getting to this point.
What is the best decision you’ve ever made?
Going to school. Joining a research lab (despite having the ugliest case of imposter syndrome, assuming anyone else deserved this position more than I did.) It's pushed me out of my shell, the act of just putting myself out there. I'm grateful to have done it and for my ex who had encouraged me at the time. Even if things change on the path toward my career, I'm making connections and friendships with others while gaining experience. I have so much grief within me but so much gratitude.
When do you feel most at ease?
Used to be at my ex's house—his family was so warm and welcoming, whereas my family is not. I don't have that anymore (they say I'm still family, but let's face it, nothing will ever be the same, even if my ex and I recline back into being just friends again, like ten years ago.) Currently? I don't know where I feel most at ease, and it's a scary thought. Maybe sitting on my couch with a book, all my assignments finished, and my dog dozing off beside me.
What does having a successful life mean to you?
Beyond financial stability, sex, and love—having lived a successful life, to me, is having very few doubts. I will have some doubts and regrets, but I don't want to have many. I want to be able to look at my life and think, "Yeah, I'm glad I did that." even if it wasn't a great experience... because at least I tried and had the pleasure of experiencing it. I'm so tired of not experiencing things because I live in my head, or I doubt, or I go to the worst-case scenario.
How often do you think about your body?
Every day, in some way, I passively think I look alright or not. I look at myself in a more negative way the week before and sometimes also during my period. When I'm ovulating, I am the sexiest woman to exist - sorry, everyone else.
When do you ask for help?
Sparingly and the least often amount I can manage. Asking for clarification doesn't phase me. Admitting I'm wrong or made a mistake is totally fine, but asking for a hand makes me feel dumb, dumb, dumb. Like I'm leagues behind everyone else, and now that I've shown my hand, everyone around me is laughing or is embarrassed for me. Working on this in therapy.
What is something you feel strongly about?
Slowing down. I think erratically pretty often, and I have to slow myself down, even beyond that! Walking slower, driving slower (sorry, speeders), strolling down an aisle, and finding something you usually wouldn't because you were rushing. Sometimes, I don't even realize I'm rushing. Slowing down is kind of beautiful. "I don't care if I'm too slow for you. I'm gonna enjoy the ride and appreciate what's around me." I've lived in fight-or-fight for too long. I want peace and slowness. I want to take my time and notice things more.
BONUS: Tell me something good.
I AM GOOD. I'm realizing that I am a good person despite my constant worry of becoming like my father. My therapist told me that noticing I might take after him in some ways is good that I actively see it and want to change it—but she's also reminded me that I've gone through a lot as a caregiver, and that kind of experience (as well as losing a parent) changes someone. I'm not going to look too deeply into whether or not there was negativity that soured my ex, that made him not want to continue things, coupled with his own issues he brought into the relationship. I am a good person, wanting to continuously work on myself to be better.
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