#62. beauty standards, blueprints & being chronically single

Age: 28 (only for 3 more weeks!)

Relationship Status:  Chronically single, and that’s okay!

Occupation:  Administrative Assistant

Income:  $55k

Astrological Sign: Leo

What is the first thing you do when you wake up? 

I usually try to go back to sleep because I know it’s in the middle of the night or too early for me to be awake. My therapist told me that struggling to stay asleep at night has to do with stress, and stress has to do with something not aligning with your values. Who knew?! But when it’s time to be awake, I usually check my phone first for a while, and then my shower/dress/skincare routine follows that.

Have you ever felt genuine fulfillment? When? 

My automatic negative/self-deprecating attitude said “Never,” but I’m slowly trying to get myself out of that mindset and into a more positive one. I think I have felt genuine fulfillment, and it happens when I have made a positive impact on someone else’s life. When someone enjoys my company, when I make someone laugh or smile, when I have been a shoulder to cry on or listen to someone vent, and they thank me for listening. But I also feel fulfillment when I achieve a goal of mine, no matter how big or small. I’m still learning to celebrate all of the wins in my life and remind myself that it’s not just about “okay, what’s next?” and I can take a moment to say to myself, “Hey bitch, you did that! And you fucking nailed it!”.

What is your most repetitive, negative thought? 

I am not good enough; I’ll never be good enough. No one will ever want me in any context or circumstance. I am not doing enough, I haven’t achieved enough, I’ll never be enough. I’ll never be thin enough; I’ll never be pretty enough, I’ll never be smart enough, etc., etc. I think you get the point.

What is your most repetitive, positive thought? 

I am doing the best that I can, and my ‘best’ will change every day for the rest of my life. No one gets to dictate what my best is; only I can do that.

What is one thing that surprised you about adulthood? 

Adulthood doesn’t come with a blueprint or handy guidebook. You have to figure this shit out on your own. Yes, sure, there are people in your life who can help you, but they’re most likely trying to figure it out, too. You don’t just get given a job; you have to learn sustainable job-searching skills. You don’t just stumble upon a partner. You have to go through the trials and tribulations of dating. But the other surprising thing about adulthood is that – if you make a mistake, make the wrong move or decision, you get to try again. Forever. You just keep trying again and again until you find what works for you. Life isn’t linear. That can sound exhausting but also liberating in that you’re not stuck where you are. Ever.

What are three things you want to put every woman onto? 

1. A skincare routine that works for YOUR skin—this doesn’t mean using the same products as your friends or what that beauty influence recommends. Your skin has unique needs, and there are products out there that will help you. Also, don’t let someone talk you into spending thousands of dollars on skincare; you can get great products at affordable prices. I promise.

2. Vitamins. Find out what you are deficient in and take some supplements. Address the urgent ones first, and then progress to a daily multivitamin. Life gets in the way, and sometimes, we can’t get everything we need from our diets. If this were the ideal world, we would. But definitely consult your doctor before taking anything new.

3. Find a healthy outlet—it doesn’t have to be expensive or involve heaps of materials or something you think you’re good at. It just has to be something that can get you out of your head for a little while. Reading, exercising, cooking, arts/crafts, organizing, and finding time to socialize are good places to start.

Rank the following from most to least important:

money, food, sex, love, and laughter (feel free to explain or don’t).

1. Love – I need more of it in my life, and I’m actively trying to show more love to everyone around me.

2. Laughter – laughing is just as cathartic as crying. Having a good belly laugh will do great things for your emotional well-being, even if it’s short-lived.

3. Food—what can I say? I love to eat. My history with an eating disorder and being plus-size have meant my relationship with food has been less than ideal, but I can confidently say I am well on my way to a much healthier relationship with food.

4. Sex – it has been entirely elusive in my life so far, but I am focusing on my own pleasure and exploring my own body, which has been very fulfilling so far.

5. Money – It’s interesting that I have put this last during a global cost of living crisis, but I know I’ll never be someone who earns an exceptional amount of money in my life, and that’s okay. I’m savvy enough to ensure I have the necessities handled before anything else.

How has your relationship with your parents/ guardians changed in adulthood? 

It has changed drastically while also staying the exact same as when I was a teenager. I do feel that I have more empathy towards my parents now, as I have learned that they are living their lives for the first time, too. They may have made mistakes while raising my siblings and me, but I know that they sacrificed a lot to provide for us. Even through scary times where they hid what was really going on to ensure we were happy and healthy. I feel it has stayed the same as I have yet to move out of home and go on my own, but I know that will happen soon. Staying at home has made feel like I am frozen in the “teenage” phase with my parents, but I just need to keep advocating for myself in a healthy way. Or just get out as soon as I can.

When do you feel most like yourself? 

When I’m with people who I feel the most comfortable with, especially those who help me feel safe enough to be myself.  I put up a shield around new people to protect myself, so building new relationships is hard. But there are just some people you will meet who won't accept you as you are, so it’s good to have that natural vetting system.

What is the best compliment someone has ever given you? 

As superficial as this may be, I always remember when someone says that I’m pretty or beautiful. It doesn’t happen often, or hardly ever really, which is why I always remember. Other than that, I have been told I am great at what I do and will go far in life. A bit general, but I’ll take it.

How do you feel about falling in love? 

It terrifies me, as well as excites me at the same time. I love falling in love with everything and everyone around me. I wish I had shown it more and even given more love to myself more often than I have. But if you mean romantic love, that’ll be nice to experience one day.

What is one thing you’re sick of hearing?

You need to be more/less (blank). More confident, less shy. More extroverted, less introverted. More outgoing, less homebody. More fun, less boring. I don’t need to be more or less of anything; I am who I am at this moment in time. And when I am faced with the opportunity to learn and grow, I’ll do that then.

How often do you feel alone? 

Very rarely, but also all of the time? Very contradictory, but it’s true. I live with a lot of people and three dogs. So, I’m never alone in the physical sense. My siblings and I have a great relationship; my sister and I are basically joined at the hip. Plus, I have friends who I can text or arrange to hang out with when our schedules permit. I work with great people who I get along with well. But there’s that voice that comes into my head, usually after 9 pm, that says, “You will never have someone to hold or to hold you at night.” I have learned not to trust that voice that comes around every night, but she gets very loud sometimes.

What is one thing you hope everyone experiences in their lifetime? 

Independence…that’s coming from a person still learning how to be independent. The more self-aware I become, the more I learn I don’t depend on myself enough and rely on everyone else around me too much. Although having that support system is great, having your own back is just as important.

What is one thing you hope no one has to experience in their lifetime?

Abuse. All kinds.

What is the best decision you’ve ever made? 

Starting my life instead of waiting for it to start. I waited a long time, nothing happened, and it got me nowhere. And doing things scared. You grow a lot when you face the hard things, and just get on with it anyway. Also, quitting my toxic job back in June. Byeeee!

When do you feel most at ease? 

After I have completed a big task, or achieved a goal, or done something that took a lot of bravery. It’s that moment of “Hey, I can do hard things and still be okay.” And when I have had alcohol. I’m somewhat ashamed to admit that, but they don’t call it liquid courage for nothing!

What does having a successful life mean to you? 

Living the life that you want, not the life that everyone says you should have. Working towards the things you want, not what you’ve been told you need. Asking for what you want and not settling out of fear. Listening to your body and not ignoring it.

How often do you think about your body? 

Every day, every hour, every minute. Unless I’m actively distracted, it’s like a plague on my mind, and I wish there were more positive thoughts. I try my hardest to reframe my mindset, but it can be difficult when you’re not even close to the beauty standard or even where you’d like to be physically. I don’t like how preoccupied I am with becoming the beauty standard, but that’s also a work in progress.

When do you ask for help? 

Usually, when things have gone wrong or when I can’t hustle my way out of it, or when I can’t handle something on my own…but then I end up shaming myself for not being able to handle it on my own. I need to ask for help more. The burden of life is hard enough, and not utilizing the support system around you is a recipe for disaster. People care more than you think, but you’ll never know until you ask for help.

What is something you feel strongly about?

Healthcare should be free. I know that statement raises a myriad of other questions, like “How will healthcare workers be paid?” and “How is that sustainable?” I don’t have the answers to those questions, but I do know that if all aspects of healthcare were entirely accessible across the globe, human life would be much easier.

BONUS: Tell me something good. 

I am learning to love myself and my journey more and more each day. It’s easier said than done, but I feel I am making progress toward a happier life.