Age: 22
Relationship Status: Single
Occupation: Preschool teacher
Income: ~ $30,000/ year
Astrological Sign: Libra sun, Taurus moon, Capricorn rising
What is the first thing you do when you wake up?
Ideally, sit up, stretch, drink some water, try to stay off my phone, make coffee, plan out my day. On workdays, I’m often immediately out from under the covers, scrambling to get out the door on time because I wanted an extra few minutes of sleep. On the weekends I tend to reach for my phone sooner than I’d like.
Have you ever felt genuine fulfillment? When?
I’m not sure I have. But I’ve felt far more content with my life and my path lately. Things feel like they’re falling into place. I get this feeling most on peaceful days when experiencing little moments of joy. Taking a walk outdoors listening to my favorite music, partaking in a hobby, spending time with loved ones, the perfect cup of coffee, when you’re outside, and it’s the perfect balance of warmth and chill, the sun shining with a gentle breeze, the first snowfall. And, of course, September-December. My favorite time of year often feels infinitely more fulfilling than any other.
What is your most repetitive, negative thought?
That I’m unworthy, not good enough, whether it be happiness, love, respect, or achieving my dreams, I won’t get my firsts, and I won’t get to fall in love and have it be reciprocated. That I won’t get to be a mother. That my dreams are futile. That I don’t deserve good things. That I’m secretly a bad person, so secret I don’t even realize.
What is your most repetitive, positive thought?
That everything will work itself out - an almost comedic 180 from my prior answer. Life doesn’t feel as big and scary as it once did, even if I’m at it alone. I’ve faced challenges I never deemed possible, and I’m still standing. Sometimes, remembering my past is suffocating. But nowadays, more often than not, it’s immensely comforting. If I can get through that all alone, I can handle almost anything.
What is one thing that surprised you about adulthood?
How young I still feel. I know 22 isn’t exactly old, but I started adulthood early. I’ve been on my own since I was 18. I always felt so grown up, so mature, but I don’t believe that anymore. I think compared to another 22-year-old who got to stay with their family and go to college and is just now starting their life, sure, I most likely hold some more maturity, perhaps even some wisdom. But I still find myself wondering if I’ll feel this young forever or if it’s fleeting. As a child, I remember thinking adults were so intelligent, so mature, like they were just born with all of the answers. I wish to have those answers too. However, I don’t know where to find them.
What are three things you want to put every woman onto?
De-centering men! I will never put a man above my happiness, my ambition or my self-worth. I would sooner spend the rest of my life alone than in the company of someone who diminishes my existence, my hopes and dreams, my personhood. A man is not the end-all-be-all. Women are worth so much more than the limited, vanity-based boxes so many men wish to force us into.
Ditching diet culture! There is so much more to life than someone else’s ideals of beauty and value. Our bodies are the least interesting thing about us. We are our experiences, our ambitions, our talents and hard work, and the love we give to the world around us. I take care of myself, I enjoy the foods I love, I move my body because it makes me feel good, and if someone out there doesn’t think my body reflects that, then so fucking be it. I dealt with an eating disorder throughout the entirety of my teens, beginning when I was horrifically young, and now my body and my appearance cross my mind significantly less. I may not be everyone’s beautiful, but I’m beautiful enough for me (though that can be hard to remember all the time). Someone who dislikes me for that isn’t anyone I want to be in the company of.
Kindness! I will forever find kindness to be one of the most important values anyone can possess. Kindness, empathy, patience… I find them in myself and, therefore, look for them in those around me. Nothing bothers me more than cruelty, to any degree. I was born an overly empathetic soul, and I refuse to see it as a weakness. I feel it shows my character, the person I am today, the person I’ve fought to be. Growing up around such volatile anger, harshness, and violence, I’m proud that I can look at myself and know I do everything in my power to be a good person. I am so much more than what was done to me, and I feel my gentle nature reflects that. Most times, kindness is like breathing, but in other times, I have to remind myself that I never wish to carry on the legacy of those before me, those who raised me. I feel this extends into all parts of life. Friendships, relationships, politics. Even just passing strangers on the street. I never want to be responsible for another’s suffering.
Rank the following from most to least important:
money, food, sex, love, and laughter (feel free to explain or don’t).
Love, laughter, food, money, sex.
How has your relationship with your parents/ guardians changed in adulthood?
I don’t have a relationship with my father, and I prefer it that way. My mother and I didn’t speak for many months, just a short time ago, but we’re a bit closer now. I don’t know how to forgive and forget, and I’m not sure I want to. Can you blame someone for who they once were? If I’m allowed to grow and change, then isn’t it my duty to allow others that same grace?
When do you feel most like yourself?
When I’m working. I work with kids, I teach at a preschool, and nothing makes me happier. Feeling like I’m making a difference, knowing I get to be a positive force in children’s lives, it’s an unparalleled feeling. As teachers, we don't have a say over what happens outside of the classroom, but when our kids are with us, we have the power to be the kind, nurturing people they need and deserve. And, of course, my work consists of reading books in silly voices, arts and crafts, and play-based learning, which is pretty cool if you ask me. Outside of work, I love to light a candle, watch some TV, and knit. It may be August, but best believe I’ve already broken out a couple of pumpkin candles (and pumpkin-flavored coffee).
What is the best compliment someone has ever given you?
Any compliments about my work/my teaching. I take a lot of pride in what I do and I like to know that I’m on the right track. It’s important to me that I’m making a difference.
How do you feel about falling in love?
I’ve never experienced it. It’s so foreign to me that I can’t even picture it. I can’t decide if I’d find it easy or paralyzing. I fear it’ll never find me. As content as I’ve begun feeling in myself, I still worry I’m not good enough. I think I’m kind and gentle and could be a good partner, but I worry no one will ever find me interesting physically, that no one will stick around to get to know me because I don’t look good enough to warrant that desire. I hate to admit that. It feels so juvenile to still be worrying that no one will ever see me that way. But it’s hard not to. Seeing everyone else get to experience their firsts and being the only one still waiting is incredibly isolating and lonely. I hate that I find it embarrassing, but it’s hard not to. I don’t even know how to begin dating or hoping for love when everyone else my age already has had so much experience.
What is one thing you’re sick of hearing?
Unsolicited professional advice. It’s no secret that teachers don’t make a lot of money, and I know my salary is small, but I’m doing something I adore, something I’m endlessly passionate about. I never thought I’d get this far in life. I didn’t think I’d see my 20’s or get to have a career or start attending college. But here I am. Yes, my money is stretched pretty thin, especially in this economy, but I think it’s beyond worth it. I do find it absurd that teachers are paid so little, but right now, I’m not willing to sacrifice something that makes me so happy for a better income. Though I can’t be sure I’ll always feel that way.
How often do you feel alone?
Quite often, more than I’d like to admit to. I grew up isolated, ostracized, and scapegoated within my own family. When I became an adult, I was left to handle everything on my own. I cut ties with my father, and my mother cut ties with me (though that only lasted several months). I’ve never had very many friends. The period of time when my mom and I didn’t speak, when I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to, was the lowest moment of my life. I’ve never felt that alone before, and I’m so grateful it was fleeting. I spent those months believing something was so deeply flawed in me, that something in me made me so immensely unlovable, because how else do you explain the people meant to love you the most wanting nothing to do with you? How else do you grapple with the fact that the people who gave you life were so willing to give you up? Now, I feel alone far less often. My mom and I are in touch again. I only have a couple of friends, but they’re wonderful people; my career and hobbies fulfill me. And even though I sometimes feel alone, I rarely find myself as lonely as I once did.
What is one thing you hope everyone experiences in their lifetime?
A second chance. Maybe even a third and fourth. As young as 12 and 13, up until I was about 19 or 20, I was so sure I wasn’t meant to make it to adulthood. Now, I can’t imagine feeling that way. I stuck it out, and the world is 10 times more beautiful than I ever thought before. A second chance at life is the best gift I could’ve ever given myself. I don’t intend to take it for granted.
What is one thing you hope no one has to experience in their lifetime?
The things I had to go through growing up and in turn having to navigate the consequences of someone else’s actions now that I’m an adult.
What is the best decision you’ve ever made?
Quitting being a hairdresser to go into teaching when I was 19. Cutting ties with my father.
When do you feel most at ease?
Alone at night in my bedroom. My apartment is quiet, dark, and settled in for the night, just like I am. I’m freshly showered in my pajamas, the only light being from a small lamp on my nightstand and a candle lit by its side. Classical music is playing, or an old favorite show is on. There’s nothing on my to-do list. My chores and errands are all taken care of. No one needs me, and nothing needs my attention. I’m reading a book. Or journaling. Or knitting a new blanket or sweater. I’m relaxed and at peace, and the world is quiet for the night.
What does having a successful life mean to you?
I envision myself many years from now, content with the person I am and how I impact the world around me. I don’t struggle with money. I may not have millions, but I have enough where I can easily afford necessities, a few extras, and maybe some traveling. I know I’ve been a kind, gentle person, positively impacting the people around me. I get to live in my dream house and cook and bake and knit and have the time to read any book I’ve ever wanted. Maybe I’ve married. Hopefully, I’ve raised a child or two. But I know I’m a good person, I get to enjoy the little things, and I have good company surrounding me.
How often do you think about your body?
Mainly, when I’m thinking about how others may perceive it, like I said earlier, I feel content in my body. I know I take care of myself, and I refuse to give up things I love to fit other’s expectations. But some small part of me will always worry that I’ll never fit anyone’s definition of beautiful, and that will cause me to spend my life alone. But then again, someone who’d only give me a second glance if I looked a certain way isn’t someone I want to spend my life with.
When do you ask for help?
When absolutely necessary. Sometimes, not even then. I’m very good at being alone. Vulnerability has never been something that comes easily to me.
What is something you feel strongly about?
My political views. Human rights are non-negotiable. Anyone who disagrees is not someone I’d spend my time on.
BONUS: Tell me something good.
I got a new job this week! :) Treating myself to a nice coffee to celebrate.
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