#45. ego death, internalized misogyny & getting the rug ripped out from under you

Age: 29

Relationship Status: single

Occupation: Anesthesia PA-C

Income: enough to live alone, travel, and save

Astrological Sign: taurus sun, leo rising, scorpio moon

What is the first thing you do when you wake up?

Check my phone - I’m trying to substitute that out with mindfulness.

Have you ever felt genuine fulfillment? When?

Yes, often. I have a wonderfully loving and supportive family, incredible true friends, and a career that allows for extreme work-life balance. I like who I am and feel I belong in my world. I’ve worked for this life, and it absolutely fulfills me.

What is your most repetitive, negative thought?

That I won’t find a partner to share my life with.

What is your most repetitive, positive thought?

I trust myself.

What is one thing that surprised you about adulthood?

How wrong the world/society portrays/got grief. I lost my dad suddenly a month before turning 24. You think death and grief are an event confined - it happens, you process, you move on. That couldn’t be farther from reality. When someone who is an integral part of you dies, it seeps into everything, forever. It rips the rug out from underneath you without your consent. It makes you feel powerless, makes you question your sanity and your identity, it consumes and changes everything. When you come out the other end of the first few years of chaos, you are completely transformed. You hold the grief of your loss and the love of your person together. They have equal influence. There is truly a before and after death. Your life starts over.

What are three things you want to put every woman onto?

1. The ability to experience all of your emotions without deeming them “good” or “bad,” without guilt or judging yourself. Each has a purpose to be observed and used to look within and grow. Or to just feel.

2. Confidence without ego. Genuinely believing in yourself and feeling secure in who you are and what you bring to the table, but never closing your mind to other perspectives.

3. Being honest with yourself and becoming better.

Rank the following from most to least important:

money, food, sex, love, and laughter (feel free to explain or don’t).

To me, it’s impossible to have a fixed answer! I think the ranking can change frequently depending on your circumstance, and so can their influence on each other. Always, love will be my #1. Otherwise, right now it goes laughter, money, food, sex.

How has your relationship with your parents/ guardians changed in adulthood?

I can see how special it was to grow up in the home I did. Growing up, I thought everyone had what I did. Two parents in a healthy loving marriage, who valued open honesty and communication. I was always encouraged to speak my mind, have my own thoughts independent from theirs, and my feelings were always valued. I was seen and respected as a person at all ages. No family is perfect, but being an adult now I can see how incredibly lucky I was. My love for my dad amplifies as I see what a truly special man he was. My love for my mom amplifies as I recognize the shitty hands she’s been dealt in life and yet remains a truly unconditionally loving, accepting, present mom.

When do you feel most like yourself?

I will always do what I feel is the right thing, and stick up for the people and ideas I care about and believe in without hesitation.

What is the best compliment someone has ever given you?

That I see things with clarity and make choices based on the love that’s in my heart.......and that I should pursue stand-up comedy.

How do you feel about falling in love?

For me, it’s happened once and is not something I think will happen over and over again. True love is hard to come by. But it’s fantastic to feel so connected to someone that they feel as much, if not more, yourself than you do. It’s cosmic and warm and reaffirming and safe.

What is one thing you’re sick of hearing?

Anything that diminishes the plight of women, POC, and marginalized communities.

How often do you feel alone?

Not frequently, not infrequently. I have so many people I love in my life, and I also love being alone. I don’t often feel alone or get lonely, but when I do, of course, it hurts.

What is one thing you hope everyone experiences in their lifetime?

True love and also ridding yourself of all internalized misogyny!!!!

What is one thing you hope no one has to experience in their lifetime?

Grief, but we all do. So, we should talk about it more.

What is the best decision you’ve ever made?

It actually wasn’t made by me. The only guy I ever was in love with decided for me. We’re not together and haven’t been in years, and won’t be again. He’s married now. If he didn’t end things years ago, my life would not be what it is. I can’t tell you how often I stop to appreciate the life I’m living. Of course, sometimes I miss him, but I would not trade the life I have now for him.

When do you feel most at ease?

When I’m hosting or connecting people, I just love creating a place for people to relax, have fun, or expand their social circles. Life is meant to enjoy, and relationships are what keeps us afloat. It makes me happy. Or when I’m enjoying my own company and doing things to care for myself.

What does having a successful life mean to you?

Being able to support myself with a job I enjoy, so I can have the personal life I want. Being consistently dependable for the people in your life.

How often do you think about your body?

Less now that I’m older. I used to be so hard on myself growing up and compare my body to everyone else’s. The shift from needing to be thin, to focusing on being kind to myself has made the biggest difference. I’ve been through a lot, and I should be nice to myself AND my body.

When do you ask for help?

Not often enough; I’m working on it in therapy.

What is something you feel strongly about?

THERAPY, go!!!!!!!! Been in it for 3 years. At first, it was my lifeboat; now, it’s just a part of taking care of myself. Also, the idea that essentially at the root of everything is either love or the absence of it.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I’m taking my first solo trip later this summer, and already have 3 more planned for next year. I cannot wait.