#432. "I am utterly exhausted by my life, but also utterly in love with it."

Age: 44

Relationship Status: Married

Occupation: Education

Income: $91K

Astrological Sign: Pisces

Describe your ideal morning:

Relaxing in bed with my pets, slow start, with a cup of coffee, scrolling or game playing, and planning the day. Not a fast start.

What is the last thing you think about before going to sleep?

My to-do list for the next day, along with where my kids are, where my animals are, and if everyone is settled for the night.

If you could talk openly about any of the following ‘taboo’ subjects at a dinner party: politics, religion, money, or sex, what is one question you would pose to the table?

Why do you vote against your own interests? How do you not see that community is more important? Why don’t you actually care about your neighbors? What do you think Jesus was actually modeling if not radical acceptance and care for people other than himself? Why do you care what people do in the privacy of their own spaces with their own bodies, as a consenting adult, if it doesn’t hurt anyone and doesn’t directly affect you?

What is something you wish were taught in school?

Finances, budgeting, and mental health care.

How do you define personal happiness?

I perpetually feel like I’m on the precipice of “success” because I am able to pay my bills, care for myself, and my children, my pets, and have money to spend on things I want, not just things I need. But sustained, constant happiness seems to elude me. I have happy moments, don’t get me wrong, but my constant state is more one of worry, anxiousness, and concern about how I’m going to provide and ensure that everyone is taken care of, and how exhausted I am by the mental and physical load of it all. I think personal happiness is having the balance and support to not feel overwhelmed and anxious about all that needs to be done, while also being able to have more than fleeting moments of peace and time to enjoy all that is in my life and who is in my life. 

When do you feel most helpless?

When my kids are hurting, and I can’t prevent or stop the pain for them. When my husband is repressing his emotions, and I know it, but can’t change what has been ingrained in him since childhood.

What is something you are nostalgic about?

The 1990s. 1994-1999 were amazing years for music, pop culture, and youth. It was when computers were becoming more prevalent, but we weren’t all online. We had cameras and could take pictures, but they weren’t digital and weren’t posted online forever to be documented if you deleted them. We had knowledge, freedom, and curiosity without our parents being overbearing, while still being able to be feral without too many worries, and without a constant digital monitoring system that controlled how we felt like we needed to behave to be perceived a certain way. It was free of the pressures of social media and digital literacy.

When does, or will, your life feel complete?

My life is complete and completely overwhelming. The one addition I wish for is a finished backyard I could enjoy and more financial leeway to take a vacation with my family, so we don’t have to road trip. Otherwise, I have a loving and caring partner, two wonderful kids, pets, our own home, vehicles, and recreational vehicles, and we take regular trips to build memories.

What is something you have forgiven, but will never forget?

The ways that I have emotionally abandoned myself in relationships that have left me struggling, anxious, and overwhelmed. I forgive myself, but try not to forget what I’ve accepted or allowed so that I don’t make the same mistake again. With regard to other people, I would say I have forgiven others for going their own way even when it left me picking up pieces of situations I didn’t create alone, but I don’t forget it, and they don’t get the same access.

What is one decision that seemed small at the time, but completely changed the direction or course of your life?

Smiling at someone at a dinner party.

What is something that comes easily to you?

Taking on responsibility.

What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

Prioritize myself or put my pets down when I knew they were suffering and their quality of life was poor.

Where is your favorite place on Earth?

Mountain rivers and streams. I can’t name just one, as I have found solace and peace in so many places with water and trees. The Muir Woods were also majestic, and I miss the way the air smelled there.

If you woke up tomorrow and were in charge of EVERYTHING, what would be the first thing you would do to make the world a better place?

Put women in charge, specifically women of color.

Finish this sentence: money can’t buy you happiness, but it can afford you…

The luxury of time, space, and peace from worry about the stresses of not having enough of it.

What is the best thing you have been gifted or purchased on your own within the last year?

A new MacBook Pro.

If you could give a woman who is 10 years younger than you a single piece of advice, what would it be?

I can’t pick one! So here are my top 3:

1.    Prioritize yourself. No one will love you or take care of you like you can, so you should. Everything you’d do for your friends, do for yourself first. Whatever advice you’d give your friends, take for yourself. Drink water, lift weights, move your body, start building the habits early that help you prioritize yourself, because no one will make the time for you later.

2.    Don’t change your life to fit into any partner’s life. If they wanted to see you, be with you, spend time or money on you, or build with you, they will. You don’t need to go out of your way to make space for them, because if they’re worth the effort to them and they want you, they’ll pour effort into fitting into the life you’ve built for yourself.

3.    Spend money on experiences, not things, and if you’re buying things, make sure they’re worthwhile. Memories are what will sustain you when you can’t function at the same level anymore, and when you want or have to move, they’re much easier to carry with you than a bunch of things. Also, the clutter accumulated over time is real, and you’ll find that the things you buy often wind up just collecting dust. Some things are worth having if they bring you joy and are often used, but more often than not, you’ll buy something, and it’ll end up in a closet, on a counter, in a cabinet, forgotten and musty.

Is there anyone who knows everything about you?

No. It feels dangerous for any one person to know all of me.

If you knew that life was short, what is one thing you would do right now?

Take more vacations with my family. I try to do this as often as possible because I know life is short.

If you knew that life was long, what is one thing you would do right now?

Worry less about not having enough time with my family.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I am utterly exhausted by my life, but also utterly in love with it. My complaints aren’t groundbreaking; they’re daily life frustrations and general “I don’t have enough time/money” issues that I choose not to prioritize in favor of building memories with the people who matter the most to me. I love my life, the people in my life, and the animals who’ve trusted me to care for them, and I’m thankful to have a career that stimulates my curiosity, pays my bills, and gives me some extra time, and a partner who loves me. We’re healthy, doing well, and stable. It’s more than a lot of people have.