#430. Epstein-Barr, banishing men to a different planet & being made of stars

Age: 59

Relationship Status: Exasperated - men are babies

Occupation: UX (user experience) Content Designer

Income: Enough

Astrological Sign: Gemini

Describe your ideal morning: No plans. No appointments. No expectations. Sleep until I wake up, order breakfast with lots of coffee, get ready, then go exploring in a new or bustling city.

What is the last thing you think about before going to sleep?

So many random things. Trying to shut down my brain at night is a challenge. Usually, “it’s ok, you’re ok, let sleep come.”

If you could talk openly about any of the following ‘taboo’ subjects at a dinner party: politics, religion, money, or sex, what is one question you would pose to the table?

I wouldn’t. I would when I was younger, but I’m no longer interested in the opinions of others on any of these things. Politics, money, religion, and sex are all a game. Everything is a game of survival and exploitation. There are far better things to talk about, and also the concept of “taboo” is really un-evolved. This feels like a very white culture concept that should be eradicated. I love that younger folks openly talk about their salaries, rent, etc. It was made “taboo” to prevent us from asking for better/fair compensation. Religion and politics were invented to control us - complete fiction that has done irreparable damage to this world. Sex is boring, and there’s no extra energy or interest in that anymore, but that’s menopause for you. All done with that nonsense.

What is something you wish were taught in school?

All the things we were never taught about the truth of what the United States really is, how this country has only ever been about brutality and theft. That it was all marketing. I also wish we’d been taught multiple languages to be truly global citizens. What an incredible gift that would have been.

How do you define personal happiness?

Doing what truly brings you joy - whether it’s something just for you or giving to others, it comes from your own heart, and you do it purely because you want to and you enjoy it. I love making things better; taking something and improving it to solve a problem or just work better for a particular need. I also love mentoring younger coworkers and helping them build the confidence to achieve everything they want.

When do you feel most helpless?

When I get exhausted. I have Epstein-Barr, which can cause bouts of chronic fatigue that take me down, bone tired. Nothing I can do about it but wait it out. I want a magic pill that eliminates all types of fatigue.

What is something you are nostalgic about?

My college years. No stress, no real responsibilities, complete freedom to go/do whatever, anytime. I had no idea what a tremendous gift that was.

When does, or will, your life feel complete?

It feels pretty complete now, but I’d like to finish my memoir before I head off this mortal coil.

What is something you have forgiven, but will never forget?

What is forgiveness? I think that’s an irrational concept. Some things cannot be forgiven, but they can be accepted and set aside. It’s even possible to forget, or for it to feel like it happened to someone else. I can’t forgive the people who knew better and should have done better, but chose not to. But I can accept that it happened and decide how to move forward. What I can forgive, easily, are the small transgressions, accidents, etc. that happen without malice.

What is one decision that seemed small at the time, but completely changed the direction or course of your life?

Taking a 3-day temp gig to do data entry with no tech experience whatsoever. (Temp gigs usually meant training on the job.) That job led to over a year of working on projects on several different computer systems, countless software applications, and a bachelor's equivalent in technology, project management, desktop publishing (content design), and office shenanigans.

What is something that comes easily to you?

Novelty and challenge. I love change and doing hard things, even if it’s not something I consciously want; my brain seems to love it. If it’s new and interesting (to me), I can learn it in no time. If it’s boring or not my thing, it’s not gonna happen. I tend to learn technology and languages pretty easily.

What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

Left my abusive ex. I’d tried many times before, and it became more dangerous every time I tried again. One day came when he would be gone all that day, I packed up everything I couldn’t leave behind and left. I did have to leave a pet behind, and that still breaks my heart. I had to save myself and that was the only way.

Where is your favorite place on Earth?

San Francisco. I rebuilt my life there and fell in love with the energy and the freedom to be whoever you want to be without judgement. There’s a neighborhood for any mood you might be in, endlessly walkable, full of life and culture.

If you woke up tomorrow and were in charge of EVERYTHING, what would be the first thing you would do to make the world a better place?

Oh no…This will get me in big trouble, but I’d remove all the men from the face of the earth. All of them. I’m sorry, but whatever good ones out there are not doing the work to correct the bad ones. Every single woman on this planet has been adversely affected by men, from mild harassment to the very worst outcomes. They have proven to be far too dangerous to remain here. With them out of the way, omg, can you even imagine the world we could create? There would still be problems, of course, but I feel like we could easily manage those ourselves. If there were another planet we could put them on, we could create a rigorous re-admittance process and welcome back anyone who could clear the entrance requirements, but first strike, and they are right back out!!!

Finish this sentence: money can’t buy you happiness, but it can afford you…

False. It actually can buy you happiness. Money buys you access to resources that can make you happy, such as a safe place to live, healthcare, food, time to rest, leisure activities, access to learning, and exposure to other cultures. If people with money aren’t using it this way, they just can’t be happy. Money can’t help you make smart decisions, is the way to look at it. Look at how most lottery winners end up.

What is the best thing you have been gifted or purchased on your own within the last year? 

Best thing? That’s hard to quantify. One gift was being laid off from the most toxic job I ever had, which allowed me to go back to freelancing and work on an amazing project, and I’m certain that project helped me land a full-time gig at the company I really wanted to work at, and it’s been amazing. The best thing I purchased on my own dime was a quick, 24-hour trip to that company’s headquarters (they had no travel budget) to meet my new coworkers at the holiday party. I was anxious AF with social anxiety, was given a far-too-enormous rental truck that I hated driving, and I almost left the party when I couldn’t break into any chit chats, but I went back and tried again and had the best time talking with my new boss, his boss, his former boss, and I told a super awkward story about smoking way too much cannabis for my tiny tolerance level (thanks, social anxiety) and had them all laughing and I’m sure wondering, dear god who is this freak — but my boss so appreciated that I made the trip, it was worth it.

If you could give a woman who is 10 years younger than you a single piece of advice, what would it be?

For the cis het ladies out there… DECENTER MEN. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. For real - do not worry about finding or taking care of a partner. You only have one life on this spinning rock - spend it doing what fulfills you and do not become a mother to a grown man who was taught to feel entitled to endless free labor and emotional caretaking. Our job here as women is not to mother grown men. Even if some women want to do that, stop. We’ve done enough. Go pursue your dreams and achieve your goals. Any worthy partner will be cheering you on and supporting you all the way. Don’t settle for anything less than a full partner in all things. Also, having kids is optional!

Is there anyone who knows everything about you?

I don’t think so, but possibly my husband. As a GenX’er who was left alone for the most part, with few friends, I don’t share that much about any one thing, but I will answer any question 100% truthfully if I’m ever asked. I’m totally open and transparent, so I’m never hiding anything. I think there are just so few people I’ve known consistently throughout my life, it’s not possible that anyone else would know everything. I’ve changed a lot since I was younger, and I’m not in touch with 99% of the people I once knew.

If you knew that life was short, what is one thing you would do right now?

Depends on the timing. If I knew I’d be gone tomorrow, I’d have a giant slice of chocolate cake, knowing I wouldn’t be around for the migraine the next day LOL. Actually, if I had a few weeks or so, I’d fly to NYC and hang around there for a bit doing all the things I like to do, then I’d hop on a flight to Sao Miguel in the Azores and spend a week or so there, then maybe spend some time in France, then come home to San Francisco and wave goodbye to the pelicans at Ocean Beach.

If you knew that life was long, what is one thing you would do right now?

Finish my memoir, watch it sell five bajillion copies, THEN I’d travel to NYC, Portugal, and France.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

It’s corny, but we really are all connected. We really are all made of stars. There is “good,” and there is “bad,” but mostly there just “is.” Is is enough.

Also, if you’ve not tried fresh-squeezed lemon juice with your butter & maple syrup on pancakes, you must. This was fun. Thanks for inviting me to participate!