#421. spoken word, navigating the anxiety gauntlet & no longer marinating in shame

Age: 52

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Writer/Editor

Income: Laughable 

Astrological Sign: Scorpio 

What is something you look forward to every day?

Currently, it would be working on a collage. I have four in progress.

Describe how your year thus far is going, using only three words:

Surprise diabetes diagnosis.

What is the most valuable thing you have earned?

I started college at 17 after my parents denied me a year off after high school. I wasn’t ready for more school yet and spent the next couple of years skipping classes, learning how to drink, and getting really good at euchre. I got placed on academic probation and was eventually kicked out of school. I worked a bunch of crappy jobs (which were easily attainable in the 90s) and went back to school when I was 25, ready to be there and pay for classes through work-study and scholarships. I got the grades that I would’ve gotten had I applied myself in high school and those first couple of years of university. Even though there’s a thick thread of external validation woven throughout those achievements, I’m still proud of the grades and awards I earned over the three years it took to get my B.A.

What is the most precious thing you have lost?

Faith in myself.

Fill in the blank: if loving _____ is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Friends reruns (while acknowledging that some episodes are incredibly dated, use sexism as a bridge to a punchline, and/or are deeply entrenched in one of many phobias (homo, trans, fat, etc.). The unrealistic lifestyle on meager salaries is a common sitcom trope and therefore forgiven.

Is there a moment in your life where preparation has met opportunity? Did you take it?

I participated in a spoken word contest at a music festival once. I only had a couple of poems with me and was lucky enough to win a spot in the round robin competition that night. My dad had to go on to my computer and fax me (!) some poems I could read. I won the round robin as well and got to perform a poem on the day stage a couple of days later. I wrote an entirely new poem to read on stage, which luckily turned out okay and was well received. I wish I hadn’t told the crowd it was new, as that revelation always makes me wince when I attend poetry readings now, but I was a bundle of nerves under blinding stage lights and so overwhelmed that I burst into (happy) tears when I was barely in the wings as I walked offstage after thunderous applause. 

In a room full of people, who are you looking for?

The friend who apparently tricked my introverted and slightly agoraphobic ass into leaving my nice, safe home.

What is the most impactful, published piece of writing you have read?

(this could be a book, a poem, an article, a study, etc.)

Probably Push, the novel by Sapphire that was later made into the movie Precious. Also, the poem “Bottom of the Ocean” by Bob Hicok.

When I am self-loathing, I tend to…

Disappear into myself and stop taking care of myself and my surroundings, which generally strengthens and furthers the negative cycle. I’ll still stay in touch with people via text, but I generally won’t admit I was struggling until I feel better. 

When I am self-loving, I tend to…

Find joy in small things (like laughing because an electrical outlet looks like a surprised face) and create art (visual or written).

If you had endless amounts of talent and skill, what would you want to be famous or known for?

My writing (poems and/or personal essays) and how they positively impacted/influenced others. Or to be revered for being a brilliant orator like President Obama.

How does the best relationship in your life make you feel?

Safe and seen.

When do you feel most inspired?

When I get my second wind at night or in the early hours of the morning, which is mostly just denial that I’m exhausted and a thrill surge/childlike glee from being an adult who can make decisions no one can change or take from me.

What is something that your inner child needs to hear from you?

I forgive you for the decisions you made when you didn’t know any better and had very little support and negative attention heaped on you.

What is something that your future self needs to hear from you?

We’re going to get through all of this.

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made a different decision, and do you wish you had?

Oh yeah. I gained more than 100 pounds during high school and desperately wish I could go back to freshman year and start over. I already outweighed my classmates, but I was only a size 12 then, which would’ve been manageable and saved me from numerous negative interactions with family, classmates, friends of friends, strangers who wrote out diet plans and slipped them into my locker, Weight Watchers (et al.) personnel,  doctors, etc.

If money were no object, what is one thing you would have an unlimited supply of?

Nice (but not huge or opulent) apartments in cool cities around the world where I could pop in for a visit for a couple of weeks or a month, knowing all the comforts of home awaited me.

What is the most predictable thing about you?

Making plans and then regretting it when it comes time for me to go somewhere or welcome a guest into my home. Too much anxiety about leaving home and being perceived, or worry about how my apartment looks (how it’s decorated, is it clean enough, etc.) The excursion or time with friends is generally fun and good for me but navigating the anxiety gauntlet is a debilitating pain in the ass.

What is the most unexpected thing that has ever happened to you?

As of February, my doctor said the phrase “diabetic ketoacidosis” and urged me to get to an ER as soon as possible (I’m fine now).

Describe a time that you were in awe of your own courage or bravery:

Standing up to a condescending math teacher in college who tried to embarrass me in front of the class. It was one of those moments where I said what I wanted and needed to say and didn’t falter or have regrets later like “Oh man, I wish I had said….” I still got a D in the class, but that prick didn’t win that day.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

After months of living in depression and squalor, a mandatory apartment inspection by the property owners got me to clean up. Nearly a month later, my apartment is still presentable. Having guests over several times has helped me maintain everything. I’m also addicted to no longer marinating in shame and knowing I can open the door to get a nice breeze or accept a delivery without horrifying the DoorDash employee.