#419. working out, making unhealthy decisions & breaking the tether as a dutiful daughter

Age: 64

Relationship Status:  Married

Occupation: No longer working, on disability due to Mild Cognitive Impairment

Income: $1200.00 a month from SSDI

Astrological Sign: Libra

What is something you look forward to every day? 

I look forward to my workout routine every day.  I work out at home, and I really enjoy it.

Describe how your year thus far is going, using only three words: 

Uncertain, optimistic, nervous.

What is the most valuable thing you have earned? 

I earned my older daughter’s trust after many years of rebuilding it.

What is the most precious thing you have lost? 

Years ago, my self-respect.  I have since gained it back.

Fill in the blank: if loving _____ is wrong, I don’t want to be right. 

Playing video games. (My younger daughter introduced me to Red Dead Redemption 2 a few months ago, and I am thoroughly obsessed with playing it!)

In a room full of people, who are you looking for?  

I typically look for someone I know.

What is the most impactful, published piece of writing you have read?

My younger daughter wrote a book, and it is a collection of experiences she shared when we (my two daughters and I). first moved to Oregon. We moved into a 108-year-old house that my dad owned, and we lived in the house from 1999 to 2011.  The reason the book is the most impactful published piece of writing I have read is that she writes about what we went through and how it shaped her identity.  It is truly a profound book.

When I am self-loathing, I tend to…

Speak to myself in a very mean way.

When I am self-loving, I tend to…

Acknowledge my worth.

If you had endless amounts of talent and skill, what would you want to be famous or known for? 

I’ve always wanted to be a famous dancer.

How does the best relationship in your life make you feel? 

Safe and wholly accepted.

When do you feel most inspired? 

When I am calm.

What is something that your inner child needs to hear from you?

None of it was ever your fault. 

What is something that your future self needs to hear from you?

You have worked so hard at regaining a sense of peace and safety.  You can relax now.

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made a different decision, and do you wish you had? 

Yes. For the past few months, I have been grieving who I might have been if I hadn’t grown up in a violent and abusive household. I made so many unhealthy decisions as a result of the sustained trauma I experienced, and even though I don’t regret my decisions (I understand I was in “survival mode” and the decisions I made were a way for me to try to regain control, numb myself, etc.) I do wish I had understood some things earlier in my life.

If money were no object, what is one thing you would have an unlimited supply of? 

Probably records/albums.

What is the most predictable thing about you? 

I love to eat homemade green soup. Typically, it has kale, spinach, chard, bok choy, garlic, onion, zucchini, sometimes beets, and carrots.  I cook the vegetables, then use my immersion blender to puree the cooked veggies.

What is the most unexpected thing that has ever happened to you? 

When my father told me he had “no regrets” about any decisions he made raising my sisters, brothers, and me.  He was a violent, manipulative, gaslighting monster. I realized at that point that he refused to accept responsibility for any of his actions, and he truly was a combination psychopath/sociopath.  He was a high-ranking military person, and he was also an engineer for AT&T. He was highly intelligent and well respected in his fields.

Describe a time that you were in awe of your own courage or bravery: 

When I confronted my dad about the abuse I had experienced.  It was a defining moment in my life, because I had broken the tether of a dutiful daughter.

BONUS: Tell me something good. 

I am pretty happy overall.