#380. evil eyes, ugly thoughts & a beautiful life

Age: 29

Relationship Status: Status

Occupation: Virtual Assistant

Income: Just enough to pay bills and feed my 2 dogs and me.

Astrological Sign: Sagittarius

TW: suicide, suicidal ideation, self-harm.

If you had an extra hour each day, what would you do with it?

I always complain that 24 hours isn’t enough for a day, so if I had an extra hour each day, I’d use it to walk my dogs.

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

Even before I knew what evil eyes meant, one of my older brothers used to tell me to keep all my plans to myself and never ever tell anyone. Now that I’m older, I understand why. Because you’ll never know who truly supports you or is secretly jinxing your plans.

What is the worst piece of advice you have ever received?

To dress nicely and look nice all the time. I don’t ever see myself as someone who can ever look nice, so I really struggle with this. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin or in my clothing when I was trying to “look nice.” Now I wear what I’m comfortable with, and people would tell me I look like a hobo, and I don’t really care as long as I’m comfortable.

When have you felt most accepted?

When I open up with my long-distance best friend about my flaws or anything I feel bad about doing, he always makes me feel that he’s on my side.

When have you felt most supported?

When I kicked my brother out of my place for disrespecting me, I consulted some friends and a family member and they all told me that he’s my brother and that I should just understand him (yeah, that’s how toxic can close family ties culture here), BUT my long distance friend encouraged me to choose myself and give myself piece of mind by doing what I think was right. I felt really bad and guilty for kicking my brother out, but now I can sleep and move around my place in peace.

Is there anything you are avoiding?

Yeah, I try to stay busy because I don’t want to sit with my ugly thoughts.

Have you ever confronted a fear? How did it go?

Saying yes to a promotion. I was so scared to accept it because I felt I wasn’t worthy of it, and I’m just going to mess things up. Turns out that I’ll be just fine and be able to adjust quickly.

What is one promise that you have kept to yourself?

I first heard the phrase “promises are made to be broken” as a kid, and it stuck with me. So, I never make promises because they’re just meant to be broken.

What is one promise that you have kept to someone else?

This is an exception to my previous statement. Around the time I first met my first dog, I was about to kill myself, but then I decided to give life another chance, and I promised him that I would never kill myself as long as he’s with me. He’s no longer with me, but I still kept the promise.

How do you cope with stress?

I don’t really. I am stressed all the time, and I have no time to cope.

What is a moment you are most proud of?

When people compliment my dogs.

How do you celebrate yourself?

I don’t, but I know I should. I am still in the process of learning to love myself.

What is something that you feel like you have to earn?

At this point in my life, I don’t really care about earning anything aside from money. I take everything as it is.

What is something you feel like you are inherently worthy of?

I feel like it’s too late for this, but I feel like I am inherently worthy of a loving home and environment as a child. Not just me, but all children.

When was the last time you changed your mind?

Earlier today, I had to decide whether to feed my dogs chicken liver or steak.

Is there anything you wish you could take back?

If I came across this question a few years ago, I’d have a long list of things I wish I could take back, but now, there’s nothing I really want to take back. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

What does being true to yourself mean?

Being true to yourself means that you acknowledge your flaws instead of running away from it or shoving it under the rug.

When do you feel in control?

When I plan ahead, whether it’s a meal, an outfit, or a grocery list.

When do you feel out of control?

When an unexpected thing happened that’s out of my scope, like ending a contract or something.

Finish this sentence: It’s my life and…

It’s my life, and it is ugly and beautiful at the same time.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

It’s been 3 years, 10 months, and 3 weeks since I last hurt myself.