#350. kindred spirits, soul exhaustion & feeling seen

Age: 48

Relationship Status: Divorced- Lone parent of 2

Occupation: Artist and just opened a cottage bakery

Income: 55,000-75,000

Astrological Sign: Sun Gemini, Pisces Moon, Scorpio Rising

How are you, really?

I’ve reached a point of soul exhaustion. Mentally, I’m better than I have ever been, physically, my body hurts every day, all day long. I feel stable, but the levy can break at any moment.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

I’m trying really hard not to get mad at people just because they waste their lives. I spent the last year watching my daughter, losing her battle with a chronic, rare illness. When you see your adult child waste away in front of your eyes and nobody is helping, it’s like that scene in Interview with the Vampire Series. Claudia and Louis are on stage in front of a crowd, and they are laughing, not realizing it’s real. They watched Claudia turn into dust from sunlight and were entertained. I watch people have such a precious gift and purposely throw it away. It pisses me off.

What is something you hope never changes?

I used to hate change, like to the point where I would cry as a child, but now I welcome it. One thing I hope never changes is how teenagers always push the limits of the generations before them. I’m GenX and I watch GenZ piss everyone off and it’s hilarious. We were them once. I mean, the Boomers absolutely hate GenX.

When do you feel most capable?

Most capable? Never, I think I was born with doubt. It’s something I’m working on. Maybe I feel the most capable or confident when I put on my black eyeliner. I feel like such a badass. “Draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a man.”

How do you nurture yourself?

Oof, nurturing, what does that mean (lol)? I grew up in a very harsh environment with a Marine Corps Father and an alcoholic Mother. Nurturing myself when I was young was just remembering to breathe. Today, I wash my face softly instead of like a damn maniac. When I make a mistake, I usually spiral (ADHD) so, now I have to talk to myself and say, it’s okay. It’s fine. I’m fine. My kids taught me that.

How do you nurture others?

I was told by many men that I wasn’t a nurturer. I believed those fuckers for a long time. In my head, I was a provider. Raising 2 kids alone, starting businesses, fixing my jeep, the list of things I can do by myself goes on and on. But recently, I looked around and saw how I nurture the world. I do it through my flower gardens, even just saying to my daughters, heck yeah, you got this! I always seem to be able to spot the lonely person in a crowd, so I always make sure I speak to the shy person or the nervous person.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

I’ve always tried to live my life with no regrets. I really have become someone fearless when it comes to other humans. I’m not jumping out of airplanes because I’m not reckless, but if I feel you need to hear something, I will say it even if I know it might hurt, but not in an asshole kind of way. Life really is too short for all of the drama.

What is something that turns you on?

Boots. Men working is my biggest turn on. Climbing a ladder, paving a road. Don’t look up; I don’t wanna see your face and I don’t wanna hear you speak. Just live in my world as a perfect, hardworking man.

What is something that turns you off?

“Poor me”, sad dudes - the Eeyore types. 37-years-old and can’t catch a break. Brother, it’s hard on these streets, get up, get movin, and let’s go. Work with tears running down your face like women do lol

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

I had to walk away from my Mom. I always knew that it would happen, but it’s hard. She’s an alcoholic who doesn’t drink anymore and refuses to go to AA. She thinks her Bible forgives the pain she has brought onto her children. It’s sad because growing up, there were glimpses of a good Mom, but sometimes, you have to meet people where they are, even if it hurts. She will say things like, I don’t remember or go ask your Father (He’s dead).

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

Balance, I try to every day. It’s really freaking hard with ADHD. One minute you are so organized and thriving like you did a line of coke, and the next you are drained, laying on the couch watching Sex and the city (all seasons) for the 10^th time, eating potato chips. I mean that’s balance, right?!! Haha.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

I left my crappy job that barely paid me enough to survive 13 years ago. I was on welfare with 2 kids, no child support, a shitty family, and I had 300.00 left in my bank account. I started a business that would later buy my house, raise my kids, etc. I still have the TV I bought for $500.00 because it was such a big purchase at the time. I’m so proud of myself.

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

I feel overwhelmed often. I’m running two businesses, I have a disabled adult child, no husband or any prospect, no family, friends rarely exist these days. Damn that sounds sad, but it’s true.

How do you move forward?

As someone who has CPTSD, how do you move forward? Easy answer, have some Jӓgerbombs, turn the music up, get a tattoo, laugh until you cry, delete the evidence of when you thought you were happy… only you can determine when you’re ready to let go and move forward. I think you have to learn the art of staying present. Don’t look behind you and don’t look too far ahead. Just focus on the Now.

What is something that will always make you laugh?

I love a good belly laugh. You don’t hear people laughing very much these days, which is weird. But someone just having an honest giggle is so fun to me. It instantly makes me laugh.

What is something that will always make you cry?

What makes me cry? Well, I’m perimenopausal so everything. What makes my heart hurt? When my kids hurt. I hate seeing pain in their eyes. It truly reaches to a depth of my soul that no one else can reach.

Have you ever been betrayed?

Betrayal, let me count the ways…I feel like when I was young, it hurt so much. Maybe I’ve become numb or something. I’m not surprised by people anymore. I’ve seen some really awful stuff. I’ve seen people do really horrendous things to another person they supposedly loved.

What is your greatest temptation?

My greatest temptation would be a 6’3”, tatted, tan, man with a sweet smile or a bag of Cheetos - either way, I’m good.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

I hate saying this. I feel like I’m not allowed to want love. I’m a strong, independent woman. I don’t need a man. I want love. Always have, always will. I yearn for companionship. A Kindred spirit.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

I’m completely and totally obsessed with the band Shinedown. I’ve gone to so many concerts and even roped my youngest daughter into liking them. Now, it’s our bond as she gets older and moves on with her life. I’m completely 1000% fanatically bothered by Brent Smith (lead singer), and it’s not like a normal, oh my god, he’s so hot (even though he is to me). I’ve watched their journey for sooooo many years, it was like we were all on the same journey of healing. His voice is like a songbird to me…oh my god this is embarrassing. I just feel better like a recharge after seeing them in concert. A validation of my pain.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

Something good… hmmm, if the angels ever ask me what my favorite thing here on Earth was, I will say, kitty cat toe beans, little doggy snouts, and baby giggles.

Side note: I cried after I reread what I wrote. I’ve always felt so unseen. I have a wealth of knowledge, I’m funny and talented, and I’m like a ghost most of the time. Thank you for making me feel seen today.