#344. loneliness, living in prayers & abstaining from meaningless sex

Age: 31

Relationship Status: I am a Fiancé to an Incarcerated Man. And I’m proud to be.

Occupation: Administrative Assistant for HOA

Income: Enough to take care of myself if I don’t accumulate extra debt. Overall, I want more.

Astrological Sign: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Scorpio Rising

How are you, really?

I’m good on most days because I’m living in multiple prayers. I really try to stay focused on being grateful and always seeing the blessings and lessons in things that aren’t my plans. On other days, I feel lonely. It’s the fact that I don’t have a support system, like friends or family, but I do have God and my man! When loneliness starts, I understand it’s a feeling that will pass. This solitude that I have now, I used to fear stuff like this. Now I can honestly say I’m drama free; I drink water and mind my business.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

Thus far my job position. Going on my first international solo trip for my birthday. Other than that, I wish I could change certain bad habits overnight, but since it is a process, I am working on being more patient with myself.

What is something you hope never changes?

The love and admiration my man has for me. I’ve never experienced this type of love before. I wish every woman could experience this. He found and pursued me first when he was home. From the start, I knew this would be my husband; I prayed for him specifically. Our story is very different from most. We are from the same city, so I knew him. I met him once, and within a week and a half, he became incarcerated. Yes, I confidently jumped off the porch to be with him. I wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t want anything else. The only thing we are lacking is the physicality of things. I’ve learned that through this journey, we are two individuals who have our own paths in life, and we are choosing to experience it with one another. He’s literally the best man ever!

When do you feel most capable?

Everyday. If I have my senses, limbs, and mental capacity. I am capable every day. I believe I’m stronger than most!

How do you nurture yourself?

Walking and dancing help a lot. It sounds so small, but I take extra time to lotion and oil my body - it really gives me a sense of validation. I record voice notes at my hardest moments to reflect in the future how far I’ve come.

How do you nurture others?

SHOWING UP THE BEST WAY THAT I CAN, however they need it—and trying my hardest to show people that there’s a blessing in everything. Honor your emotions, but don’t sit in them for too long.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

Not necessarily. I consider myself to be very blunt when speaking up, whether bad or good. I make sure I’m heard all the time.

What is something that turns you on?

Curiosity is such a turn-on for me; someone who can teach me things I’ve never known. An amazing aroma (perfume, diffuser, etc.), a good-looking groomed man, or a well put-together vibrant woman.

What is something that turns you off?

People who don’t grasp simple concepts. Loud-speaking people. Body odor. Someone who lacks organization and people who lack accountability, this grinds my gears.

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

A long-term friendship. When I laid out the facts for her to at least admit her wrongs, or fight for our friendship. All she said was, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I respect your decision, and I love you”. It completely broke my heart. Once I thoroughly assessed the situation, it seemed as though she was my friend out of pity for me. She didn’t know how to part from me, so when I initiated the exit, I made it easier for her to remove herself from the friendship.

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

When I’m not self-sabotaging myself! Self-sabotage is an imbalance. When I feel confident and focused, I am balanced and a force to be reckoned with.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

I became homeless again and only had $50 dollars to my name. It was either: get storage for my belongings or get a bus ride back home. I chose that bus ride.

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

If a lot of things pile on me at once, and if I can’t organize my mind to map out a time frame to execute any type of plan. I’m about to crash. This is when I cry the most about everything. Things that don’t even exist lol

How do you move forward?

Whew. Great question. In my heart, I relive whatever trauma I have endured. Mentally, I tell myself, “I have no choice but to move forward.”

What is something that will always make you laugh?

Myself (haha), I tell myself every day. “I make myself laugh.” I even laughed, typing this answer. I find humor in everything. It’s a defense mechanism. I live for corny jokes and funny videos. TikTok has brightened my days at times.

What is something that will always make you cry?

My man being incarcerated and not ever having my Dad in my life. My Dad got shot when I was a baby. He became a vegetable and was, not able to really care for himself. I met him once when I was 10 but have never seen him since. Last year, for my birthday, I came across an address where he supposedly lived. I went there, but there was no answer at all. I cried my eyes out on my way home. All I kept telling myself was it wasn’t meant to be—still a hard pill to swallow.

Have you ever been betrayed?

Hell yeah from a so-called friend. And after she did what she did, 3 years later, she apologized and told me her conscience was eating at her for what she did. As much as I miss our good times, I can never trust her again, I believe she’ll snake me again.

What is your greatest temptation?

Staying sober! I used to date a lot of men at when I was younger. Now that I’m in my first real committed relationship, at times I am tempted to revert to my old dating ways. But I snap back to reality quickly! I’m actually very proud of myself for abstaining from meaningless sex for 3 years.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

The completion of my purpose in life. The career or business I truly desire. My man being home.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

Music!!! I love, love music! All I need is a speaker and a mirror. I will dance my heart out!

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I am my mother’s first college graduate.