#337. exploring the world, experiencing racism & finding home

Age: 29

Relationship Status: Married

Occupation: Content Marketer

Income: $110,000

Astrological Sign: Capricorn

Trigger Warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt

How are you, really?

Honestly, I’m happy. It feels really strange to type that out. I struggled with depression for over a decade. Hopelessness, despair, feeling trapped — I know those feelings all too well. I tried to take my own life when I was 20. I swallowed every pill I could find in my apartment. I thought a medley of Advil, Tylenol, and about 50 of my antidepressants would do the job. After taking the pills, I remember lying in bed and feeling like I was dying. And even though it’s what I wanted, it terrified me.

Since then, there have been many moments in my life that have brought me to tears because I wish 20-year-old me had known what was coming.

I still have my struggles, but overall, I am happy.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

I started going to therapy again. I stopped going for a while because my depression was under control, but I realized I have a lot of trauma to work through. Finding a therapist from the same ethnic background as me was a game-changer — she just gets it.

What is something you hope never changes?

The love my husband and I have for each other. I truly think our love is something many people dream of, but few experience. We’ve been together for nearly a decade, and it makes me giddy to think that we get to continue growing up together. I can’t wait to see us as parents. Our kids will never have to question if their mom and dad love each other.

When do you feel most capable?

I don’t know if I’ve ever truly felt capable. And I think that’s the root cause of a lot of my problems. I always doubt my skills, qualifications, or knowledge. My husband always says I’m the only thing holding myself back.

How do you nurture yourself?

I try to be retrospective. Sometimes I’m so focused on all that I have yet to achieve, I forget all that I have already accomplished and overcome. Reflecting on my life and what I’ve done feels like giving myself a tight squeeze. I also love to treat myself. My guilty pleasures are fresh flowers for the house, cinnamon rolls from my favorite coffee shop, and shoes.

How do you nurture others?

I like to make people feel seen, heard, and appreciated. I’ve felt invisible before. It hurts. I try to make sure those around me never have to experience that pain. I’m the type of person who will start a side conversation with the person who got interrupted to hear what they had to say.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

So. Many. Things. I experienced a lot of racism when I was younger, and I’m really frustrated that I didn’t stand up for myself. I try to remind myself that I was a child. At seven years old, even though I knew the way people were treating me was wrong, I wasn’t old enough or wise enough to call out their behavior for what it was — racism.

What is something that turns you on?

Quiet confidence is everything.

What is something that turns you off?

Elitist people. And unrelated, but I loathe backwards hats.

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

2019. I moved away from “home” and found my home. I say “home” because my hometown never felt like home. I’m a Black woman who grew up in a tiny town. I could write a book about how traumatizing that experience was (and you know what, I just might!), but let’s just leave it at this: walking away from that place allowed me to find me. And no words can describe the feeling of feeling like yourself and feeling proud of who you’ve become.

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

I feel like I live a pretty balanced life, honestly. I’m an “everything in moderation” type of girl.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

Moving to a new city where I knew no one except my now husband. We’ve both grown and flourished so much.

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

When I have a lot of unread emails or texts. I’m an inbox zero girl.

How do you move forward?

I’m still trying to figure that out. I wouldn’t say I hold grudges, but I also don’t forget how people made me feel. I’ve experienced so much hurt in my life, and even though I’m thriving now, I struggle to move forward from the past sometimes.

What is something that will always make you laugh?

Thinking about the shenanigans my friends and I got into in high school. We were truly unhinged.

What is something that will always make you cry?

Thinking about my childhood and how traumatizing growing up being the only Black girl was. As someone who is now thinking about having kids, it upsets me even more. I would never subject my children to that type of environment, and it hurts to know my parents didn’t feel the same.

Have you ever been betrayed?

Of course, but I’ve also been the betrayer. Betraying someone may hurt more than being betrayed. The disgust and disappointment you feel after betraying someone is sickening. And because of that, I haven’t betrayed anyone in a long, long time.

What is your greatest temptation?

Quitting my 9-5 and opening a concept store. I hope I do give into the temptation one day.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

Children. My husband and I would love to be parents, but we’re going to wait a few more years. We want to ensure we are the best version of ourselves before bringing someone into this world.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

Traveling! My husband and I have been to 15 countries together so far, and we can’t wait to continue exploring the world.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

My husband and I are moving to London! It’s one of our favorite cities in the world, and we’re excited to start a life there.