#333. lending an ear, treating yourself & celebrating strangers on the internet

Age: 26

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Unemployed currently (previously worked for various small businesses doing admin/bookkeeping/marketing, babysat, bartended, and occasional served)

Income: $0 currently (~$80,000 previously, from 9 to 5 solely, not including babysitting/ bartending/server money)

Astrological Sign: Virgo sun, Pisces moon, Capricorn rising!

How are you, really?

I’ve been okay so far. I have had some terrible experiences in the past 3 years, but I’m thankful for having a roof over my head and food on my plate and for therapy. I’ve learned that life is hard, but it’s not as terrible as you think. I think back to when I was 18 or 19, sleeping in my car and in a terrible relationship. I am thankful for being heartbroken at 22 and starting therapy. I am sad a lot of times, but life could be much harder, and I am extremely grateful for how far I’ve come!

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

I started trying to better my eating habits. I have struggled a lot with OCD and feeding/eating consistently. I think about it as taking care of my overall health, not just for now but for the future. I know it’s not revolutionary, but it’s still a huge shift for me.

What is something you hope never changes?

My ability to empathize. I know that is corny to say, but I think a lot of times people take their experiences and build walls around themselves, or they’re so quick to judge because they’ve never experienced that or know someone who has experienced that. I will always try to be understanding and care for others, because there’s that saying that goes, “Today it’s you but tomorrow it could be me.” - I may have it wrong, but I think it’s true. You should always try to be kind, honest, and caring for yourself and others.

When do you feel most capable?

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt capable of anything. I actually started disliking this word- a guy I was dating (who tore my whole world apart) said one day, “I know you’re capable. I don’t like hearing you feel this way,” and I lost it. I went off on him because I was struggling so hard in so many different ways, and for him to say that it just felt like a twist to the knife. I had lost everything thanks to him, and I still haven’t recovered. Emotionally, I feel much better, but in all other senses I am struggling.

How do you nurture yourself?

This may be silly, but when I am having a good week (emotionally) I treat myself to something: an  applesauce pouch, a small pastry, or my favorite thing is going to get a $1.50 can of cherry Pepsi from the corner store. Or sometimes it’s just going to pray (cry mainly) or walk around, it’s the tiny little things that make me feel just slightly better about life.

How do you nurture others?

I try to lend an ear when I can, and I try always to be understanding. I know we all have our breaking points, and sometimes people are struggling in many different ways. You never know how much of an impact simply being kind to a stranger can make.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

Many things. I wish I could have stood up for myself more. I think a lot of times I keep my mouth closed because I know I will be emotional, I cry easily, but when I have spoken in the heat of the moment, I tend to feel remorseful. I tend to keep tally of things, and it’s not always pretty. I can say things that are hurtful. So, I guess I do want to say I’m sorry if I ever did that, but also it should be an eye opener for the other person because 9/10 if I “lash out,” it’s just a reflection of your actions.

What is something that turns you on?

Kindness, respect, consistency, and consideration. I think it’s very hypocritical for me to say this, but at least when it comes to dating, I do bring all these things to the table. But if we want to get super technical - I am a huge sucker for a nerdy guy with green/blue eyes. I have noticed that I have a type; they’re usually tall, have green eyes, play pc games, and like 2/3 of them have built their own PC (and are mechanical engineers).

What is something that turns you off?

Being rude to servers, last-minute planners, “go with the flow” people, Peter Pan syndrome boys - because men, they are not that…and the list goes on and on.

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

Recently, January 23, 2025! I finally severed the ties with this guy who has caused so much pain and confusion. I'm sad about it, but I do think that maybe I'm becoming more emotionally stable. I’m unsure, but I hope that if or when I meet someone new, they are all that I have ever prayed for (or much better than what I could ever imagine!).

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

Not on a daily basis. I have Complex PTSD, GAD, and MDD, and it is extremely difficult for me to be consistent. I often struggle to get out of bed, eat, or do basic things, but I have moments where I feel energized, so I guess you could say I’m balanced in those moments.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

Moving out of state a few years ago. I made so many friends, and oh, I wish I had the means or opportunity to move back over there!! It's like my home away from home, but the change in climate is so hard for me.  I’m not used to it.

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

This one is hard for me to pinpoint because I tend to panic easily. I think that I feel most overwhelmed when I am too social. I don’t know how to explain it, but I hope it makes sense.

How do you move forward?

Isolation, which is a terrible way to cope! But I think that sometimes it is good, not the best but it’s fine!

What is something that will always make you laugh?

TikTok comments.

What is something that will always make you cry?

TikTok again. Strangers on the internet. I love seeing when women who have been trying for kids finally get a positive test! Or just moments of kindness! Proposals! Weddings! Many things that I think could be because I hope to one day get to experience or at least see for those around me.

Have you ever been betrayed?

Yes, many times, most recently by the guy I was dating. I recently saw him again (he wanted to try things again), and I saw that not only did he betray me, but so did his entire family. It hurts me that even his mother. All I want to say is that Karma has its ways, all that comes around goes around.

What is your greatest temptation?

Sweets! I love sweets! Store bought, homemade, whatever it is, I am such a sucker for them. If you want to win me over, or have a meaningful conversation, please give me a good spoon and a pint of sea salt caramel ice cream.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

I wish I had more stability. I had always dreamed of being a mother and a wife by now. I sometimes feel bad that I have never had something “serious” (romantically or professionally), that I never finished school (college or a RDA/RDH program), and that I never pursued my dreams. I know that it’s not too late for anything, but I feel like everything is slipping away.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

TikTok, sweet treats, crying, and walking! Tiny little things that bring me joy or a sense of normalcy on a day-to-day basis when I feel sad about my life.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I guess we can celebrate that I have reached one year of sobriety and two years without any day-to-day nicotine! It’s not much, but it’s not something I ever thought I could do!