#326. being complicated, feeling misunderstood & having a heart of gold

Age: 34

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Hospitality

Income: 50k

Astrological Sign: Cancer sun, Leo moon, Leo rising

How are you, really?

I am really depressed. Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world, but then I also feel like maybe I’m just dramatic? I have great friends, but something always feels missing, my dog just passed in April so that hasn’t been helping. I feel like I’m just existing. I was feeling good for a while, feeling blessed to have a job, being able to live comfortably, especially in this political climate, and not having some weird man draining my energy. I’m just riding the waves.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

I started looking at things more logically and saying no more often. I’ve always been blunt, but I feel like my kindness was still getting taken for granted, I have also been detaching more easily.

What is something you hope never changes?

I hope my heart & humor never changes; I am a complicated person, but my heart is made of gold.

When do you feel most capable?

Mostly at work. I feel like I’m heavily relied on for so many different things. Being able to solve problems easily and help others makes me feel like I can conquer the world. Also, when my friends come to me for things or confide in me. I feel like I’m doing things right when I’m someone’s safe space.

How do you nurture yourself?

I listen to myself and put me before anyone or anything. Weed also helps a lot (lol) and I love rewatching my comfort shows.

How do you nurture others?

I’m present and available. I can almost always anticipate someone’s needs. Sometimes people don’t need you to say anything they just need to be heard; I’ve learned to be an ear without a reply. I am not the most affectionate person, but I try to give others what they need and if that IS a hug, I’ll be hugging.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

I live my life by “if its on my chest its out of my mouth” so no, I believe I have said everything I’ve needed to say (and probably more than I should have).

What is something that turns you on?

Someone who keeps their word and considers me. My whole life feels like I’ve never been considered by anyone (family, men, some friendships).

What is something that turns you off?

Men who compete with women, who meet you and already start talking about “tasks”, negging (I can go on forever). I feel like men now don’t like women to be women, they want women to be employees and they also want to compete with us at the same time. It’s weird. #bringbackrealmen

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

I just recently walked away from a friendship; they were very unreliable and always had a sob story. I’m so tired of people who need others but can never contribute or keep up their end of the bargain.

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

NEVER. I don’t think I’ve ever felt balanced in my life. My moods change so quickly.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

I think when I stopped drinking, it doesn’t sound like a RISK but it’s a social risk I guess, the visceral reactions I get when I say I don’t drink are actually alarming, but I feel better, and my body isn’t inflamed anymore, so it’s easier to lose weight too! Another risk I continuously take is sticking up for myself. I learned at a young age that I must protect myself nobody else will so I carry that with me now and it’s a risk every time but I would rather that than feel like someone walked all over me.

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

When I must be social, especially in large crowds. I have social anxiety that I can mask pretty well but inside I am completely overstimulated.

How do you move forward?

By not wondering why, when you seek answers from something, there is no answer. You can’t make sense out of nonsense, sometimes you have to take shit at face value and move on. Without the apology, without the explanation, you just move forward and heal. 

Within a healthy situation, communicate. People are so scared of hard conversations, but communication really saves relationships.

What is something that will always make you laugh?

People falling and myself!

What is something that will always make you cry?

Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, I don’t know what those muthafuckas put in that song but it’s always sooooo sad. Just the longing feeling of the song, I’ve felt that in many moments of my life.

Have you ever been betrayed?

Absolutely. Betrayal hurts so deep you can feel it in your bone marrow. It stays with you and it frames your outlook on all life afterward.

What is your greatest temptation?

Hmm... probably cussing people out. I would love to just flip out on people, but I’ve been doing a lot better removing myself instead.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

Intimacy, I miss it every day, but dating at the moment is like finding fresh water in a sewer. I would also say understanding. I have been misunderstood all my life; I feel like I am always searching for someone to just understand me.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

Tik Tok, Labubu’s, Hello Kitty & Friends (my inner child needed a moment). I can’t get enough of standing on business either.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

My birthday is coming up and I’ve finally cracked the code on how not to let anyone ruin it.