#321. just absolute vibes and jazz

Age: 27

Relationship Status: Never been in a relationship

Occupation: Writer and social media marketer 

Income: Currently spent on Vinted and matcha lattes (but not on Lady Gaga tickets, as obtaining a seat on a rocket to Jupiter would be easier)

Astrological Sign: Aries 

How are you, really? 

I’m feeling like I need to catch a bit of a break at the moment. Work is insanely hectic, and I keep saying yes to things, but I am almost willing someone to throw me a life ring and tell me that it’ll be okay. Weirdly, I’m normally quite outspoken about these things, but for some reason, I’m not sure how to navigate the conversation of feeling overwhelmed with my workload for the fear that it may make me look incapable or incompetent. An eight-hour working day simply isn’t enough just now. I also just want to go on holiday and drink Aperol in the blazing sunshine.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

Contrary to the above, I actually have reclaimed my free time. I’m a chronic people-pleaser who is trying to unlearn the immediacy that I say ‘yes’ in a situation for the fear of letting someone down. I’ve attempted to protect my peace on weeknights and have even turned down freelance work because I have finally accepted that I’m one person who can’t do it all. Maybe I need to apply this to the above situation too…

What is something you hope never changes? 

Realizing how bloody lucky we are that we have free healthcare.

When do you feel most capable? 

In a professional setting, it’s when I’m writing or interviewing or speaking in public with an audience of five or five hundred. I know how difficult public speaking can be, so I’ve learned to be proud of being able to do it and do it pretty well. 

In a personal setting, I enjoy helping people with something relatively mundane but of huge benefit. For example, I enjoy doing my mum’s makeup to make her feel at her best or  fixing something on my gran’s television.

How do you nurture yourself? 

I take myself out or do things for myself. I regularly book theatre trips alone, even recently I flew abroad to just sit in the sunshine and read books and drink a wine or five. Oh, and charity shopping. I love charity shops.

How do you nurture others?

Honestly, I hope I’m viewed as a nurturer. I invest my time into people. I remember the small things and relish in seeing their faces light up when I recall something like their favorite song, an upcoming trip, or asking after their sick dad, and that’s really just acquaintance level. For those I love, it’s all of that too, but also choosing a birthday gift that’s something they mentioned six months prior. Or surprising them with something, even if it’s nothing more than a bar of chocolate, because I know they need to be thrown a bone. I feel nurtured when people take an interest in me, so I give that back in double doses to others.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t? 

Many, many things. But I have stopped replaying situations in my head and falling into the ‘if I only said that’ mindset, as really, what purpose does that have? Yes, there’ll always be nagging moments that occasionally pop into my head, but I believe now that every difficult situation or conflict is actually meant to serve a purpose. It may sting at the time, but hopefully, five years down the line, it simply becomes a life lesson that was worth learning. And reflecting on personal situations that have happened in the past, I’d say that’s true.

What is something that turns you on?

Is it odd to say someone who doesn’t immediately talk about sex or lower the tone of the conversation? As someone who has been on dating apps since God was a boy, someone who can have genuinely interesting, inquisitive, and funny interactions without having to bring it back to something sexual is actually more sexy to me.

What is something that turns you off?

People who are rude to anyone working in what could be deemed as a ‘lower’ status job. It baffles me that there are people out there who don’t thank bus drivers. Those who look down their nose at cleaning staff. If you are nasty, condescending, or sneering towards someone who maybe makes less money than you, immediately get in the bin. Nothing is more of a turn-off than someone who believes they are better than another person.

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

I cancelled my gym membership last week as I had immense guilt hanging over me that I wasn’t going to the gym often enough. Does that count? If not, then I’d say it’s when I gave up freelance work. Mental health is your wealth, and no amount of money makes sleepless nights and constantly being in fight or flight mode worth it.

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

My life is a constant tightrope walk, and I never feel quite like I’ve got it down. I’m forever landing in the net.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward? 

 I ended up on an unexpected and unprecedented solo trip last year. After going through the seven stages of grief, I realized I actually quite enjoyed my own company. I’ve been on multiple solo adventures since. 

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

Aside from professional instances, I’d say it’s when I think about the landscape of my relationships, or the lack thereof. With every passing year, I feel like I’m not destined to be loved more than platonically, and when I think about how that makes my future potentially look, I almost mourn a life I’ve not yet lived. 

How do you move forward?

Call me a basic cow, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. So if something seems a bit rough or like it could’ve gone better, I simply assume it either wasn’t meant to be or something else that is better is coming. That helps.

What is something that will always make you laugh? 

Reminiscing with the people I love about our funny memories. Or watching reruns of Will & Grace.

What is something that will always make you cry?

Those bloody videos of people being reunited with their families after being in combat or spending a long time apart. Also, those videos of wee kids getting glasses or hearing aids, and suddenly the world becomes a much brighter and less isolating place. Full-on ugly crying. Every. Single. Time.

Have you ever been betrayed? 

Of course I have. Probably more times than I can count. But less so in my adulthood, I keep a tight circle of people I adore and trust.

What is your greatest temptation? 

To just say fuck it and move away somewhere and start completely fresh in a new city. Or scrolling through Skyscanner and finding cheap flights. Or, depending on whether I’m on my period or not, anything and everything that belongs in the Cadbury’s family.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

Romance. Butterflies. Adventure. Getting butterflies when you get a notification from a certain person. I really crave that feeling.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

At this moment in time, probably warm, crusty bread and butter. And waking up and having a slow Saturday morning with my favorite music and breakfast. No alarms, no plans, and no sense of urgency. Just absolute vibes and jazz.

BONUS: Tell me something good. 

An hour before writing this, my friends and I polished off multiple bottles of vino whilst laughing at one of our favorite films we’ve seen 100 times before. Now that’s what I call a dream Friday.