#316. trauma, triumph & being a full-time, single mom

Age: 43 

Relationship Status: At this moment. Unsure, being with an emotionally unavailable man with difficult coping skills, one week you’re together, but the next you are unsure. So, at this moment, I love him, but I’m unsure of our status.  

Occupation: Retail  

Income: 45,000 

Astrological Sign: Capricorn  

How are you, really?

I’ve been through very serious trauma these past few years; I’m broken, confused, and mentally exhausted. Do I know who I am anymore? No, I don’t at all.  

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year? 

As a single, full-time mom, my kids are doing amazing; they have been my greatest accomplishment. And this year has been great for them. But that didn’t quite answer the question, so my biggest change is living for me and not for others.  

What is something you hope never changes?  

My ability to always advocate for myself and my kids.  

When do you feel most capable? 

When I’m needed, I love helping people and teaching them.  

How do you nurture yourself?  

I’ve always been very good at knowing when I need a mental break. I’m great in my own company.  

How do you nurture others? 

I’m everyone’s therapist, but I always seem to be my own in the end. Ironic, isn’t it?  

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

No, I’m pretty outspoken. Sometimes it’s awesome, and sometimes people are like WTF.

What is something that turns you on? 

Feeling loved genuinely, feeling heard, and being respected.  

What is something that turns you off? 

Fuck, I feel like this may be long….people who are self-absorbed, controlling, taking no accountability. People who are liars or manipulators.  

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you? My awful, abusive marriage. I thought I was protecting my kids, but all it did was have me not be there when he beat my son on visitations. Then the worse thing ever happened, and he abused my son for 2 days. A 2.5-year trial, and I won everything; my son is solely mine forever.  

How often do you feel you achieve balance? 

I don’t feel like I achieve balance; I feel like I get up every day and keep going because I don’t have a choice.  

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

My boyfriend on the Facebook dating app was the only person I swiped right on, and I took the risk of talking to him first.  

When do you feel most overwhelmed? 

When life takes a turn. Why does it have to be every fucking day? I feel like I’m in a constant state of being overwhelmed. I’m constantly in a state of flight or fight mode. Driving endlessly has been very cathartic for me while listening to music. It’s the only time my brain genuinely shuts the fuck up.  

How do you move forward? 

I don’t have a choice; my son depends on me. I fought 2.5 years to save his life, and I always want to give up, but he’s my beautiful reason not to.  

What is something that will always make you laugh?

Good people! I enjoy being happy around people, and I’m kinda funny myself (lol).

What is something that will always make you cry? 

The trauma of my son and finding all the bruises and handprints on him. He went through it and has autism, but he carries on and is happy and content with his life. Why do I have flashbacks of what he went through? It’s been 3 years, why am I still so fucked up by this? I can’t escape it, the trauma, the stress, all of it. I break down crying with every thought. It’s ruined me and everything around me. God, I feel like this whole 20-question segment is about this trauma.  

Have you ever been betrayed?

Yes, way too many times.  

What is your greatest temptation?

Trying to find happiness in other people instead of myself.  

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

Happiness and stability.  

What is one thing you can’t get enough of? 

Honestly, being outside, as lame as that sounds or maybe it doesn’t, is just so relaxing.  

BONUS: Tell me something good.

My 18-year-old son is serving in the Navy, my daughter is attending college full-time at a fashion school in Manhattan, and my younger son is excelling academically despite everything he has been through. The three of them always keep me going and remind me that I’m doing something right.