#313. ADHD, a cool room & relentless optimism

Age: 24

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Student

Income: ~$34,000

Astrological Sign: Gemini

How are you, really?

I’m good. I’m really good. Nothing is ever picture perfect, but the positive vastly outweighs everything else.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

In all honesty, starting Zoloft. I had a terrifying mental breakdown last spring, and my life was a living hell for about two months. Until that point, I’d been too proud to admit that I needed medication, but following this incident, I couldn’t move on by myself even after the stressors were removed. Going on medication has effectively changed my life. I never knew I could feel this stable. I still have anxious thoughts, but the beast is leashed!

What is something you hope never changes?

Friendliness culture. I love sharing a laugh or a sweet moment with a stranger - it reminds me that we’re all human at the end of the day. Several years ago, I was going to potentially move to an “unfriendly” country, and I was genuinely sad about losing this.

When do you feel most capable?

When I’m doing “grownup stuff”! I was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age, and in my early years, I felt like I was perceived as helpless. I’ve been proving to myself as an adult that I have my shit together and can do things on my own.

How do you nurture yourself? Adorning myself and my space makes me feel happy and beautiful. This can mean getting something new (such as a piercing or jewelry), creating art for my home, or rearranging my room. 

I also drink a cup of tea by myself nightly, and I love this routine!

How do you nurture others?

I am definitely a “words of affirmation” person. I tell people what I love about them, try to be an active listener, and ask lots of questions. I want to know my friends inside and out, and I want them to feel appreciated and heard. I’m also a fan of nicknames – I think it’s sweet to have a special name for someone you love.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

I wish I could truly articulate to my ex that I still feel damaged years after things ended. We’re good friends now and have talked about what went wrong in our relationship, but I will always wonder how different I would be if I hadn’t stayed in an emotionally neglectful relationship for almost 3 years. I became a defensive and clingy person who was starved for affection. We were young, and I made my fair share of mistakes in the relationship, too, but sometimes I feel like I never mourned the person I was before we dated.

Time and therapy have helped, but I still have attachment issues and don’t think I know what romantic love feels like, among other things. I’ve convinced myself that I am overreacting and being dramatic for feeling the impacts years later, so I don’t really talk to anyone about it.

What is something that turns you on?

Humor!!! If I meet someone who can make me laugh, there’s a 99% chance I want to be their friend, kiss them, or both.

What is something that turns you off?

Codependence. I love the feeling of being closely bonded to another person, but I also value having my own life and being my own person. It’s so fun to reunite at the end of the day or week and debrief (I think this is a relic of my old relationship)!

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

The most recent time I did it was after someone I briefly dated made me feel very uncomfortable. That being said, I usually struggle to walk away on my own. I’m a relentless optimist and see the best in everyone – it’s a blessing and a curse. Talking to friends will usually snap me back to reality.

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

Very, very infrequently! I feel like I’m always running around or panicking about something, but it fuels me. I think I need the rushed feeling to get things done (haha). I actually get bored sometimes on the rare occasion when everything is in check.  

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

Starting to dress for myself, rather than for others. I’ve always been insecure about my body – I’m tall and muscular and am jealous of people with more delicate frames (shorter, thin legs, small waist, etc.). I tried to dress more femininely to “cancel out” my body type, but it was unflattering and uncomfortable. I hated it; I was hesitant to change my style because I was worried about judgment and looking “manly.”  Recently, I’ve been dressing more masculine, and it feels so good!! I no longer feel like I’m trying to shove myself into a too-small box, and – surprise, surprise – I don’t care what others think about my clothing now!

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

I get overwhelmed making any decision that is even remotely major. I know I sound like an angsty twenty-something, but I am always paranoid that I’m going to end up lonely or sad later in life. I can’t predict the future, so am I doing the right thing? What if I regret my choices?

How do you move forward?

I just remember that I should focus on what I know now and what I can control. If something is wrong down the line, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

What is something that will always make you laugh?

My sister. God, that girl is on a different level of funny.

What is something that will always make you cry?

Seeing pictures of myself when I was young. That little girl is still me, and I am that little girl. It’s a sweet reminder of my inner child, and it makes me so emotional.

Have you ever been betrayed?

I was sexually assaulted by someone I considered a friend years ago. I decided to do something about it and watched everyone in my life pick a side when it came out. Most people sided with me, but a few sided with him. That hurt a lot.

What is your greatest temptation?

Currently, bangs are calling my name. I want them so badly, but I just can’t commit.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

Ugh….a relationship. I’m very fulfilled with my current life, but every day, I feel a hole in my life where a partner could be. It’s like I’ve built a beautiful house, but all I can focus on is the draft coming in from under the door.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

Asiago bagels. I have an obsession. I could eat them every day.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I think I have the coolest room ever. If I saw someone with my room I’d want to be friends with them. I don’t care if that sounds conceited!