#305. being born to be a teacher, bonding with grandsons & saying goodbye to your love

Age: 55

Relationship Status: Widowed on 2/25/24

Occupation: Educator

Income: $130,000

Astrological Sign: Virgo

How are you, really?

I am hanging in there. My husband passed away a year ago, and it has been very difficult. He was my high school sweetheart. We even went to prom together. We met in 1986 when I was 16 and he was 18. He looked exactly like Jon Bon Jovi, so damn handsome. We were together 38 years and married 32. We have two adult kids and two grandsons. Without my other half, this last year has been confusing, sad, and lonely. We have always been us, and now the “we” is just me. I am unsure who I am without him. There has been a lot of recalibrating, growing, and learning these last 12 months.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

Learning to think and do for myself. For 38 years, I was in a partnership with a great guy, and now I am surviving alone. Some days, I just don’t think I can make it, but something always pushes me up for air (the love and connection of my kids, grandkids, students, and friends).

What is something you hope never changes?

The close bond that I have with my grandsons. I hope they want me to stay involved in their lives. I see them all the time, and we live just 15 minutes apart. I have them both every weekend for half of each day. We go to the beach, the park, the pier, adventure down a watery creek, find bugs and frogs, and like a true boy scout, we identify scat and talk about the animals that could have left it. We have a great time together. I am an active part of their lives and I hope they continue to want me around.

When do you feel most capable?

I feel the most capable in front of my high school kids. With 26 years of experience, I feel at ease teaching mathematics effectively with humor, love, and kindness. I was born to be a teacher. It is natural for me to want to guide, encourage, and teach. I feel the same way with my grandkids when we are out exploring the world through adventure and hands-on activities.

How do you nurture yourself?

I walk. I get out in nature. I take myself out for food. I enjoy lots of quietude with my cats. I like to read, write poetry, and sing. I also limit the access that others have to me. I have no place for people in my life who are not good, loving and kind.

How do you nurture others?

My love language is acts of service. I will go to your house and clean, do the dishes, scrub the toilets, bring you flowers, make you food, bring you a snack, whatever you need. I am a doer.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

Just reading this question made me cry. How do you say goodbye to your love? What do you say? My hubby had a terminal illness for years (interstitial lung disease caused by an autoimmune disorder), spent the last 101 days of his life in the hospital (waiting for a lung transplant), and then he chose to go as he was in too much pain and his body was just done. His mom, sisters, our kids, and I spent his last days sharing with him how much we love him and how much we appreciate everything he has done. He shared so much love back to us. We cried, laughed, listened to music, held him, and loved him. It was a beautiful fucking nightmare. There was a lot I wanted to say, but I never strayed too far from the topics of love and gratitude.

What is something that turns you on?

Kindness and humor are very powerful. I love to interact with others who shine with these qualities.

What is something that turns you off?

Rude, arrogant, and poorly behaved people. I can’t be around them, nor do I want to.

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

I quit smoking when I was 21 and never smoked again. I started sneaking cigarettes when I was 12. What an addictive habit!

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

I am getting better at it. I walk, read, mediate, do my stretches, and stay away from work when I am at home. I was bad at it forever, but now I have the time to focus on myself. I understand that I am important too, and if I do not take care of myself, no one else is there to do it for me.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

Dedicating myself to my education. It took me 12 years to complete my AA in mathematics, BS in counseling, social work, and crisis intervention, and my M.Ed. in special education. I also earned two different teaching credentials (special education and general education math). My hubby and I had two kids during that time; both worked, and he coached our kids in various sports. It was so challenging. My hubby believed in me, which made me work even harder. He was so proud of me. I was/am proud of me, too.

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

When I think about the last two days of husband’s life. Watching his mom hold his hand and say goodbye, his sisters, our kids, and me. The sights and sounds of the machines in his room, his breathing, his coughing, and his pain. My brain visits that room often, and I just end up in a puddle of tears. I am grateful we all were able to say our goodbyes but am devastated at the same time. This was not our plan.

How do you move forward?

One step at a time. There is no other way. When I am at my most vulnerable, I just ask myself what is the next correct step to take and then do it. I don’t think too far ahead and try not to ruminate on too much from the past (hard to do!). I try to be present so I don’t miss the daily blessings that each day holds.

What is something that will always make you laugh?

Listening to one of my grandkids tell a story. It is usually one LONG run-on sentence with lots of action, characters, and plot lines. It can be challenging to follow, but a delight nonetheless.

What is something that will always make you cry?

Losing my hubby. He had so much to live for. He was dealt a bad hand, but he played the hell out of it with bravery, perseverance and optimism. We all miss him so much.

Have you ever been betrayed?

I have betrayed myself more than anyone else by not trusting my gut, by lying to myself, by being a people pleaser, by overworking myself, by making choices that don’t align with my values, and by ignoring my own needs. I am definitely a work in progress. 

What is your greatest temptation?

Food. I love it all. I want it all. The internal strength it takes not to place all the deliciousness around me in my mouth is Herculean. My hubby and I were foodies. We enjoyed going out and trying new things. Why is food so delicious?    

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

My partner in crime. My hubby is the person missing from my life. I feel him around me all the time, so I know he is here with me. I talk to him daily and he sends me messages.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

My grandsons! They are outstanding little humans. One is almost 7, and the other is 3. They are hilarious, adventurous, talkative, and smart. They bring so much joy to my life. I don’t think I would have survived this last year without them.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I bought myself a new car. I got a 2024 white Toyota Rav. It is super cute and fun to drive. There is a small defect on the passenger front seat (a small glue residue spot in the shape of a happy face). I’d like to think it’s my husband driving with me.