#298. queer representation, respect & accepting your journey

Age: 22

Relationship Status: In a relationship

Occupation: Office Manager

Income: Pretty much nothing #debt #studentloans

Astrological Sign: Gemini sun, Aries moon, Virgo rising

What is the most important part of your daily routine?

I am NOT a morning person so how I wake up and spend my morning helps to set the mood for the day. Most days, I wake up next to my partner and cats, so it’s also become my favorite part.

What is your current happiness most dependent on?

I am happy to say that my current happiness is most dependent on me. This has been a year of choosing myself, everything that benefits me, and letting go of what doesn’t. I used to be a huge people-pleaser (maybe in some ways, I still am), but I am actively working on pleasing myself first because if I don’t, who will?

What do you wish you were less reliant on?

Social Media. It’s the easiest way to resolve my boredom and I hate it, but I enjoy memes too much to delete it.

When do you question yourself?

All the time, but I also question everything. I trust myself with finding the answers, and I think that’s what matters.

What is something that has positively impacted how you perceive your self-worth?

My nieces and nephews being born. I can’t imagine telling them that I don’t love who I am or that I feel like I deserve less than the next person. I want and deserve the world - they should feel the same about themselves. I love myself so they know to love themselves and if one day they don’t, I will be there to remind them why they should.

What is something you have forgiven yourself for?

The expectations I set for myself but didn’t reach. I put an unfair amount of pressure on myself because I felt like I knew exactly what I wanted, how to get there, and I was getting there.  But life happens. Things change. I was angry that I worked so hard just to feel like I took three steps back. Recently, I’ve come to accept that my journey is meant to be different than what I originally envisioned and worked for it to be. I forgive myself for my failures because it’s okay to fail and reevaluate what success looks like to me.

What is something you have forgiven someone else for?

I’ve forgiven old friends for wronging me even if they aren’t sorry - I don’t think time passing is an apology, but everyone has their own silent battles, and I know that hurt people, hurt people. I can empathize with that, but I won’t hold onto the way they’ve hurt me forever. With that thought, I am able to forgive, let them go, and look forward to finding people who help protect my peace.

How do you ground/center yourself?

A shower. If I lived near beaches, it would definitely be the ocean but due to where I live, it is the shower for now.

What is one thing that helped you through your most difficult time?

I was walking to a friend's house, and there was a small black cat at the end of the block. She walked right up to me, rubbing against my legs and meow meow meow at me. While I have a history of stray cats finding me, I knew I needed to keep her, and I felt like she chose me for a reason. Later that month, I got news that completely changed my life for that year, and I felt that if she was able to find me right before one of my darkest hours, then I knew everything that is meant for me would find me just like she did. She gave me hope.

Have you ever felt like the best version of yourself? When?

Yesss, present day! I am doing things that are true to myself, I am standing up for things that deserve to be heard and I am trying to be a better version of myself everyday.

What is something you fundamentally disagree with?

Buying pets (especially unethically bred pets) from a breeder. Adopt, don’t shop.

What is something you know for sure?

Love exists in everything.

What are three of your non-negotiables in romantic relationships?

1. Respectful - not just to me as a partner but to those who are around you, to the spaces you enter, to things you may not understand, etc.

2. Honest communication - If we can’t talk transparently or if you give me a reason to not trust your word, then I’m out.

3. Animal lover - if you don’t like animals, that’s a huge 🚩 to me.

When do you feel most comfortable in your own skin?

When my hair, nails, and eyebrows are done. Bonus if I get my lashes done too.

Have you ever been in awe of something/someone? When?

I actually finished watching a UK queer women reality dating show ‘I Kissed A Girl’  today. As a queer woman myself, I was in awe not only at the fact that I am able to experience a show like that being aired but to feel represented and seen in that way is so new to me. It was so refreshing to see women who love women be in a safe space to express that with each other and with the world.

What is the best (physical/material) gift you have ever received?

As a kid, my uncle asked me what I wanted one Christmas, and I said very specifically I wanted the Red 3DS XL. I didn’t really think much of asking for it and did not expect to actually receive it at all. I felt lonely as a child, so when I opened it up, the first thing I felt was heard. To him, he was just buying a game for his niece, but for me, it was an escape from the chaos I was dealing with at home. I was inseparable from it for years, and I am still very grateful.

 What is one thing you wish you had said ‘yes’ to in the past?

After my sister had her first child, we all went to her house to spend time with them. My sister was practically my second mom as a child. It was the first time I was going to sleepover at her house since she moved out, but I felt like I didn’t belong there, as if she had a family that was better off without me. I wish I had said yes to spending the night with her and told her how I felt.

What is one thing you will always say ‘no’ to in the future?

Hopefully, everything I want to say no to.

What do you believe is your most attractive quality? 

The way I carry myself or my kindness.

What/who do you want to be when you grow up? 

I’ve always hated the question of what I want to be, but WHO I want to be is exactly who I am now, except wiser, healthier, and happier. I hope I never lose myself in whatever this life has in store for me next.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

After years of suffering from depression, I can say this is the happiest I’ve been :)