#297. self-assuredness, words of affirmation & being an artist

Age: 30

Relationship Status: Married

Occupation: Artist

Income: complicated, currently making negative money and using savings to fund a new endeavor (aforementioned artist career); husband also has a salary, and he’s really encouraged me to go for it.

Astrological Sign: cancer, not very informed on astrology

What is the most important part of your daily routine?

The morning with my husband and walking outside. Even before I dove into art full-time, we prioritized flexibility in our careers. We wake up slowly (although we get up a little early), laugh, have coffee together, and commute to work. We very rarely miss a day.  Something I’m not as consistent in but still do at least 3-4 days a week is getting outside. Our city has a ton of conservation, walking trails, and lakes. Getting out in nature keeps me grounded in our very full city life.

What is your current happiness most dependent on?

My chosen family/close friends. I grew up with a lot of instability, but at this point in my life, the relationships I cultivated in my 20s are now the most important part of life. We have a support network here. I make time for friends, and we support each other; we’ve watched each other go through career, relationship, and life changes, rallying behind one another the whole time. It’s really rewarding to see your friends succeed.

What do you wish you were less reliant on?

Money. My husband and I are in a pretty good place. I can pursue my passion for now, but everything has a price tag – travel, home, etc. Ultimately, the goal is to continue enjoying life but living just below our means, so things never have to feel tight. But because I grew up in poverty, I’m not sure I can escape a looming awareness of it no matter how much we make.

When do you question yourself?

When I take risks that challenge my hyper independence, like right now, choosing art over my stable director position forces me to put a lot of trust into my husband. He is never anything but supportive, but I always took care of myself, and it’s hard not to contribute monetarily to our household.

What is something that has positively impacted how you perceive your self-worth?

Aging. I used to be super insecure, but I’ve really settled into myself at 30 (every year has gotten better since 25). I don’t look 20 because I’m not, but I’ve never felt more beautiful, confident, and sure of myself than I do at this age. I genuinely believe I can do anything I set my mind to.

What is something you have forgiven yourself for?

Dating the wrong people as a younger person. I left a few relationships much later than I wish I would have (although, thankfully, I always had my own place until I moved in with my husband while dating), but you live and learn. I read somewhere that you can’t change your mind until your heart is ready to hear it, too. For all that independence, I was still insecure. Once I found my footing, the right thing came along.

What is something you have forgiven someone else for?

Honestly just the woes of teen years/early twenties. It is so hard being a young woman. Sometimes others were catty, gossipy, or just downright mean, but ultimately, I think a lot of it was either projection or miscommunication. I think deep down most people just want to be understood. I wish we would have had more grace for each other.

How do you ground/center yourself?

Two things: Moving my body and cooking. I mentioned earlier that I love getting outside for long walks, but I also like to lift, do Pilates (a recent thing in my life – I love it! I started out being terrible, and now I can do some complicated maneuvers), and stretch. I love cooking and trying new dishes; it’s definitely a love language. When I eat healthy and well and move, I definitely notice a difference in my skin, mood, and mental wellbeing.

What is one thing that helped you through your most difficult time?

Education. I went to university to escape a tough home life. Although I find academia to have some elitist issues, and I don’t love how the States charge for education, it’s definitely something that gave me a safe place to grow between childhood and adulthood.

Have you ever felt like the best version of yourself? When?

The best version of me is the current me. She makes space for others, knows her worth, is understanding, driven, confident, and hardworking. Teenage me would think I’m pretty cool, and that’s such a warm feeling.

What is something you fundamentally disagree with?

That just because you have an opinion it’s important or worth voicing. I think a lot of people lack tact. Sometimes, people would benefit from really listening and shutting their mouths.

What is something you know for sure?

That compassion and love are the meaning of life.

What are three of your non-negotiables in romantic relationships?

1. Having independent interests/ making time for yourself outside of the relationship

2. Cooks & enjoys food

3. Can communicate their feelings (seriously) while holding the capacity for understanding each other. My husband and I rarely argue, and when we do, we find the other person’s pov and, most importantly, move on.

When do you feel most comfortable in your own skin?

I love fashion, and I feel most like myself when I try to look “cool” rather than sexy – cool can be sexy, of course, but I loathe trying to look “fuckable”. Secondly, when I’m talking to people about their passions or my own work and research (I come from an archeology/art history/ and neurology background, which intertwines in my work). When two people talk about their passions, the air feels absolutely electric; I love being that version of me and seeing that version of others.

Have you ever been in awe of something/someone? When?

Yes. Many times, but I’ll stick to the first memory that popped up when I read this. I had pretty bad acne as a kid that luckily cleared up through my late teens/twenties. But it really stopped bothering me at about 16 (even though it was still pretty bad then) when I met this ukelele player at a ren faire. She was just soooo cool. She was attractive and funny and demanded the room – and she also had a face full of acne. But nobody cared. She was hot.  It was when it first sunk in for me that confidence really can change how you’re viewed. Nowadays, if I’m not dressed right for the occasion, have a stain or tear in my shirt, or a rare pimple, I don’t point it out or race to justify it. I stand up straighter and keep assuredness in myself. It really feels like magic.

What is the best (physical/material) gift you have ever received?

This one is hard. I have a lot of sentimental ones, but a practical one that makes a huge difference in my life is the noise-canceling headphones my husband bought me after we’d been dating for a while. I wear them everywhere (except on walks; I like to hear the world around me), but for work and working out, they are a game-changer.

What is one thing you wish you had said ‘yes’ to in the past?

I didn’t miss any big opportunities that came my way—I’ve traveled and had a very cool career—but it breaks my heart to think of the social opportunities I missed as a kid because of my insecurities. I didn’t always go swimming with friends because of acne or because I was nervous about not fitting in. Luckily, it wasn’t always, and I try not to dwell on what was because I’m grateful for who I am now.

What is one thing you will always say ‘no’ to in the future?

Taking on job-related projects that I don’t want to do (like commissions). I’ve found that it really just drags on. I hate it. I’ve learned that it’s truly not my thing, and I’m not going to waste everybody’s time.

What do you believe is your most attractive quality? 

I’d like to think that it’s my wits and inclusion. I love making people laugh – I always have, and more importantly, I want people to feel included. If someone is interrupted I will make it a point to ask what they were saying, and I genuinely want to know.

What/who do you want to be when you grow up? 

I love this question – because at 30 you realize just how young you still are! I want to be an artist makes money solely off my art. Maybe have a small following. I’m at the beginning of my career where there is a lot of change all the time. I’m trying to savor this point. I feel like I’m back in college again, and I feel full of hope and awe thinking of what 35 might look like.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

We have so much power to make a huge difference in people’s lives. You can change someone’s entire life by saying things out loud like “I’m proud of you,” “I really admire you,” or acknowledging each other’s existence -  “here, I cooked this for you. I heard you like it,” and especially “would you join us; I’d love for you to come.”