#296. OCD, oppression & teenage wisdom

Age: 29

Relationship Status: engaged

Occupation: Teacher

Astrological Sign: Sag sun, Aquarius moon, and Gemini ascendant 

 What is the most important part of your daily routine?

Honestly, my silly little morning routine is coffee and chill time. I can’t be productive until I’ve had time to relax and drink my coffee. 

What is your current happiness most dependent on? 

My mental health, which might seem redundant; I learned this year that I have OCD tendencies, which ended up ruling my noggin for a decade. This year, I reached my breaking point and finally started seeing a great therapist. So, when my OCD is “managed,” I’m able to see the world with a clearer perspective. 

What do you wish you were less reliant on?

Validation from others. I wish I didn’t have to use others’ opinions on my actions/choices to decide whether to do them or not. I understand asking friends/loved ones for reassurance, etc., but I feel like with every decision I face, I’m reaching out to someone to see if I’m making the right decision (even when I know I am!!!). 

When do you question yourself? 

Because of the aforementioned OCD, I really struggle with trusting my own thoughts, so I question myself a lot. Being a teacher also makes me question myself quite often; am I doing what’s best for my students? Am I being lazy with how I’m teaching x? Should I be doing more? 

What is something that has positively impacted how you perceive your self-worth?

It seems obvious, but self-love. I didn’t get help for my mental health because I felt like I wasn’t worth it, and I deserved to suffer because I thought I had to earn my happiness. Giving myself even the tiniest amount of self-love pushed me to get the help I needed; it’s been really hard to unlearn so many of these things my brain saw as “normal” for so long. 

What is something you have forgiven yourself for? 

My relationship with my mom. She passed a handful of years ago, and I hadn’t spoken to her for a while prior. We had a tumultuous relationship due to her alcoholism and prescription drug addiction, and I didn’t give her any patience or grace when it came to her own mental health. I felt (and sometimes still do) a lot of guilt for not being there for her and encouraging her to get help, but I’ve learned that you can’t force anyone to get help; they have to want it themselves. 

What is something you have forgiven someone else for? 

I’ve had to forgive my dad for a lot of the things he’s put me through; losing my mom made me realize that our parents are just humans who are also just trying to figure it out. He made a lot of mistakes and didn’t always protect me from things as he should have, but I have to accept that he won’t take accountability for a lot of things, and I need to be okay with who he is and the fact that he isn’t always the father I need him to be. 

How do you ground/center yourself?

I try to think of my healthy/unhealthy self. If I feel myself self-destructing, I think to myself: “Is this my healthy self?” And usually, the answer is no. I try to see what my healthy self needs: maybe self-care, something productive, maybe some rest, and go from there. 

What is one thing that helped you through your most difficult time? 

Kind of an annoying answer, but my partner. This year was really difficult for me regarding my mental health, and he supported me every step of the way, regardless of whether he was just listening to me panic, offering me hugs, making me dinner, or just being there. I could’ve gotten through this without him, but I’m really glad I didn’t have to. 

Have you ever felt like the best version of yourself? When?

Yes. When I’m not letting my unhealthy self take control and feeding my anxiety monster. I’ve learned that I can exist in the middle: I don’t have to be 100% happy all the time!!! And if I’m not, I don’t have to panic and intellectualize my negative feelings. 

What is something you fundamentally disagree with? 

Any form of hatred towards people who are oppressed. We have this beautiful planet and are lucky enough to exist on it, and this is what we decided to do with it? Capitalism and hatred? It makes me very sad. 

What is something you know for sure?

Even if it doesn’t feel like it, everything will be okay. 

What are three of your non-negotiables in romantic relationships?

1.  Trust. I always thought this was silly until I got into the relationship I’m currently in with my fiancé. Without it, you’re constantly second-guessing everything. 

2.  Similar morals. If you don’t share that, there really isn’t a foundation. 

3.  Humor. I have to be with someone who I can be my ridiculous/goofy self with. If they can’t make me laugh, I’m out. 

When do you feel most comfortable in your own skin?

When I’m with my significant other. 

Have you ever been in awe of something/someone? When? 

I am often in awe of my students. We assume teens don't know anything, but they have so much wisdom that can be shut down or unacknowledged simply because of their age.

What is the best (physical/material) gift you have ever received?

My car. 

What is one thing you wish you had said ‘yes’ to in the past? 

So many things. I let my anxiety stop me from having fun in college. I wish I had gone out more and just let myself be young and free. 

What is one thing you will always say ‘no’ to in the future?

I am so bad at saying no. Like people-pleaser to the max. In an ideal world, I would say no to things I truly don’t want to go to. 

What do you believe is your most attractive quality?

My sense of humor. 

What/who do you want to be when you grow up?

The best version of myself. 

BONUS: Tell me something good. 

I am now able to understand when a thought is intrusive, so I don’t spiral into panic attack mode when I have an intrusive thought!!! I don't have a 100% success rate, but I am trying to celebrate the progress and not expect perfection.