#293. being in love, learned behaviors & breathing in pure energy

Age: 25

Relationship Status: In a relationship

Occupation: Administrative Assistant

Income: $60k

Astrological Sign: Virgo Sun, Aquarius Moon, Scorpio Rising

What is the most important part of your daily routine? 

My morning coffee and my evening rot on the couch. Both are quiet times when I’m by myself and can recharge my battery.

What is your current happiness most dependent on?  

How “busy” I am. I find I’m happiest when I have things to do, people to see, and places to go.

What do you wish you were less reliant on? 

My phone. I hate that I just cycle between social media apps for entertainment.

When do you question yourself?  

I feel ashamed to admit it, but I question myself when others are doing “better” than me - establishing a career, getting a raise, buying a new car or house, etc. It makes me question if what I’m doing is enough or the right thing for this point in my life. Comparison is the thief of joy, and it can sometimes feel very consuming.

What is something that has positively impacted how you perceive your self-worth? 

Finding healthy habits and coping mechanisms has really helped me show up for myself. I go to the gym or yoga, take long walks, read, crochet, or journal. These outlets have helped me realize that I’m capable of taking care of my body and being creative.

What is something you have forgiven yourself for?  

At 16, my parents moved our family across the country. A year later, I was suffering a lot with my mental health and moved back to live with other family members in my hometown. I was 17 and had essentially moved out. I held a lot of guilt for years, especially for leaving my younger sister, who had to assume the “eldest daughter” responsibilities (iykyk). I didn’t forgive myself until recently when my sister said she understood why I did it and didn’t blame me. That forgiveness meant so much to me and was such a relief. I was able to forgive myself after that.

What is something you have forgiven someone else for?  

My mom is not a bad mom, but she’s a product of her environment. She’s a single mother raised by an alcoholic single mother. My mom guilt-trips, raises her voice, has no conflict resolution skills, never apologizes, and has expressed jealousy about my life. I’ve set a lot of boundaries about how we communicate, which has left me with tons of guilt as well as jealousy of people who are best friends with their mothers. I’ve tried to have conversations about how her behaviors have affected my siblings and me, but she’s so defensive. I get it; she feels attacked. But she’s learned her behaviors from what she was raised on. I can’t blame her for something that isn’t totally her fault, but I can forgive her (or work on forgiving her).

How do you ground/center yourself?  

Fresh air always helps. Taking a walk, driving with the windows down, or sitting outside alone. I take deep breaths and imagine myself breathing out any toxic or negative thoughts/energies and breathing in pure ones.

What is one thing that helped you through your most difficult time?  

I’m a natural over-sharer and yapper, so talking about difficult things has always been what I do naturally and what helps. I therapize myself by repeating the same stories to different people, and it helps to hear outside perspectives or get reassurance, too. Shoutout to anyone who’s ever listened to me ramble just to come to the same conclusion I had the conversation prior.

Have you ever felt like the best version of yourself? When? 

I always feel like the best version of myself when I’m with my friends. I’m so lucky to have had the same five girls over the last 10 years. We have the best laughs, the deepest conversations, and so much fun. I leave every hangout feeling so happy, supported, and loved.

What is something you fundamentally disagree with?  

Rich people should not have as much money as they do. How can millionaires and billionaires exist and buy yachts and mansions while others go without food or homes? Nobody should have to earn food and shelter.

What is something you know for sure? 

Something that I know for sure is that nobody is sure. Nobody knows exactly what they’re doing or how their life will go. Life is unfair to everyone in different ways and at different moments; some people are better than others at hiding it.

What are three of your non-negotiables in romantic relationships?

1. Must not want kids. I’ve never wanted my own kids. And no, I will not eventually change my mind.

2. Must have financial sensibility. I don’t expect anyone to fully financially take care of me, but I need someone who is smart with their/our money.

3. Must be able to communicate effectively. Yelling, guilt-tripping, and silent treatments are big triggers for me.

When do you feel most comfortable in your own skin? 

Honestly, not often. I think I have some body dysmorphia issues because I know I’m not a big person, but I spend way too much time thinking about my body. I’m hyperaware of the skin rolling over my waistband, the chafing between my thighs, and the clothes that have gotten tighter over the last year.

Have you ever been in awe of something/someone? When?  

I am always in awe of my partner. He’s driven, ambitious, and hardworking but also level-headed and humble. He has no fear when it comes to pursuing new hobbies or taking on new freelance projects. I’ve always experienced varying degrees of depression and anxiety, so to be with someone whose life motto has always been “it is what it is” has been so eye-opening. I don’t think he’ll ever know how much comfort he brings me, and I’m so proud of him.

What is the best (physical/material) gift you have ever received?

My partner bought me a digital camera that I had sent a TikTok about 5 months prior. I forgot about it, but he hadn’t. I love using it at parties or events!

What is one thing you wish you had said ‘yes’ to in the past?  

Being a little reckless in my teenage years and early 20s. I don’t have any crazy nights out, hookups, or drug-related stories. I’m happy with how my life has turned out so far, but sometimes, I wish I had more life experiences.

What is one thing you will always say ‘no’ to in the future?

Going out to a bar or club when I really don’t feel like it. I’ve gotten really good at not letting myself get persuaded into going or having FOMO. I love waking up on a weekend and not wasting the day because of a hangover.

What do you believe is your most attractive quality?   

If I have to pick something non-physical, my assertiveness.

If I have to pick something physical, my boobs.

What/who do you want to be when you grow up?  

I’ve never had a dream job, I’ve never wanted to be a mom, I’ve never wanted to girlboss my way into multi-million dollar success. I want to be content with what I have, who I am, and the people I’m surrounded by. I just want to be happy and at peace.

BONUS: Tell me something good.  

I grew up never wanting to get married (I'm a child of multiple divorces), but my current partner has changed that. I’m so in love with him that I want to marry him so bad, and I can’t wait to. He’s my family and my home.