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#262. being loved, loving, lovable & happy

Writer's picture: Devyn Penney Devyn Penney





Age: 25

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: NICU Nurse

Income: ~$75,000

Astrological Sign: Aries

 

What is the most important part of your daily routine?

My morning iced matcha latte.


What is your current happiness most dependent on?

Sunshine. When the weather is great, so is my mood.


What do you wish you were less reliant on?

People’s opinions on me. I act like I don’t care, but I actually want everyone to like me. I feel like I’ve made different versions of myself that have been crafted to please different groups of people. It’s been tiring trying to please so many people, and I don’t know who I truly am anymore.


When do you question yourself?

Lately, it’s been every day. At home, at work, everywhere. But hey, that’s your 20s, right?


I feel like I’ve lost myself a little since post-college. I feel like I haven’t been my true self since graduating, and I question whether or not I like the person I’ve become and what I’m meant to do in life.


I question whether I’m actually a good nurse. Sometimes, I know what I’m doing, but most times, I feel like I’m faking it until I make it. I question whether this is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life or if I want something more.


I question if I’ll ever have the courage to move out. I feel like I’m missing out on living like a true young adult, but I am afraid that I’ll miss my parents too much, and the thought of something happening to them while I’m away scares me even more.


I question whether I’m lovable. Most of my friends are either in strong relationships, engaged, or married, and I’ve never had a boyfriend. The dates I’ve gone on never end up being more than a first date, and I always wonder if it’s because of me, what I look like, and what I believe in.


What is something that has positively impacted how you perceive your self-worth?

My senior year college best friends. I’ve always struggled with my self-worth, but this group of girls loved me so much for who I am. They got to know me, even the bad parts about me that I’ve always tried to hide, but they continued to love me. I realized that if these people loved me for who I am, then I should love myself.


What is something you have forgiven yourself for?

Hating my parents when I was a teenager. I used to believe they didn’t love me because they never vocalized it. As I’ve grown up, I realized how untrue that is. They show their love in their own ways—like when my mom cooks my favorite meal, and when my dad always asks if I want to watch a movie with him, and how they both work so hard at their jobs and sacrifice so much just so that I can have the opportunities they never had.


What is something you have forgiven someone else for?

My cousin. He used to touch me inappropriately when I was a little kid. It became a repressed memory until my second year of college. I was so angry then and felt like I was broken. It took a couple of years and a great therapist to heal from that. I think going through that has made me a stronger person today.


How do you ground/center yourself?

Getting in my car, putting on my favorite music, and aimlessly driving around town with the windows down.


What is one thing that helped you through your most difficult time?

Music. I have a hard time expressing my feelings, but I’ve always seemed to find a song that expresses my current feeling or situation. Listening to these songs helped me understand how I was feeling and helped me not feel so alone. Shoutout to Noah Kahan and Quinn XCII for making those songs.


Have you ever felt like the best version of yourself? When?

I don’t think so. I feel like I’ve always been working on trying to be the best version of myself, but I haven’t accomplished it yet.


What is something you fundamentally disagree with?

Abortion, especially late-term. I know this is a controversial opinion, but working in the NICU, I’ve seen babies born as early as 24 weeks, and I don’t understand how someone can abort them. I get to take care of them and see them grow big and strong.  Some stay in the hospital for as long as 6 months, and I see how they turn into these big, chunky babies. Every time I go to work, I always think about these babies that never get the chance to live.


What is something you know for sure?

My future man is not on these dating apps…

Am I still on them? (yes, unfortunately)


What are three of your non-negotiables in romantic relationships?

  1. Prioritizes God in his life

  2. Wants to be a good father

  3. Healthy communication


When do you feel most comfortable in your own skin?

When I’m at church, talking to God, I always feel at peace and that I can be my true self because I know He will always love me for who I am, no matter what I do.


Have you ever been in awe of something/someone? When?

Last year I went on a trip to Italy. I’ve always dreamed of going to Manarola in Cinque Terre since high school, and I finally did. Seeing these colorful houses hang above the sea on these cliffs felt unreal. The thought of people living here—that this was their everyday life was insane to me. And the thought that I finally fulfilled something that I wanted to do 10 years ago I felt accomplished and in awe at that moment.


What is the best (physical/material) gift you have ever received?

In college, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party. At this party, there was a wall of photos with me in them, and on the back of these photos were handwritten notes of how much I mean to every single one of them. It meant a lot to me that they all showed up, and these notes expressing what I meant to them made me feel so loved.


What is one thing you wish you had said ‘yes’ to in the past?

The boy who liked me all throughout middle school and the first two years of high school. I was always afraid to commit to him, mostly because I was afraid to have my heart broken. But he really liked me, and I really liked him but never told him. We first went to different high schools, but he moved to mine because I asked him to. He wanted me to be his girlfriend, but I said no because I was afraid of letting him in. Looking back, I wish I had said yes. Now, I’ll never get the chance to experience young teenage love, something so pure and innocent and free from all the adult worries we have now regarding relationships.


What is one thing you will always say ‘no’ to in the future?

Situationships.


What do you believe is your most attractive quality? 

My sense of humor. I have trauma, so I’m naturally funny AF.


What/who do you want to be when you grow up? 

Loved, in love, and happy.


BONUS: Tell me something good.

I’m planning a solo trip to Portugal/Spain next spring, and I’m super excited about it.

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