Age: 23
Relationship Status: Single
Occupation: Community Outreach Advocate for a DV nonprofit
Income: $40k
Astrological Sign: Pisces Sun, Aquarius Moon, Taurus Rising
What is your first thought every morning?
Honestly, there are not a lot of thoughts before coffee. Most often, it's feelings of gratitude for my life and for the sunshine coming through my window.
What is something you do solely for you?
Two things:
I dance and sing in the car like I am giving a performance. I get crazy looks, but it makes me so unbelievably happy.
I say no.
I say no to alcohol. I say no/limit Instagram because it makes me feel like shit sometimes. I say no to plans because I’m tired. I say no because I need to recharge my social battery. I say no to clutter & items that no longer serve me. I say no to relationships that don’t serve me. Family, friends, bosses, men, strangers, whoever.
It doesn’t matter if my no’s make sense to anyone. They’re mine.
What is something you dread?
I try to avoid slipping into the feeling of dread. I don’t think it’s a productive emotion. It’s kind of like anxiety but without the “what if”/nervousness. It’s just negative anticipation.
If I feel true dread, that’s a sign I’m doing the wrong thing.
What is something you are looking forward to?
How my life is unfolding. Life is working for you, not against you.
In hindsight, it always works out the way it's meant to.
When do you feel most accomplished?
When I do something that has a benefit to others/ society.
When I was 20, I testified in my state house and senate committees to promote legislation for sexual assault survivors to have the right to terminate leases for apartments/homes that they were assaulted in (pr homes/apartments where their abusers knew their address). I went on to testify for the removal of taxes on tampons/pads and two pieces of legislation for domestic violence, which is dear to my heart as a survivor of it. Each piece of legislation passed out of committee and was signed into law. It was beautiful to come together as women to uplift each other and make change.
Transmuting my pain and negative experiences into something useful for others makes me feel like it had a “real” purpose. I’m a believer in “everything happens for a reason,” but sometimes it’s hard to REALLY feel it. I feel so accomplished and proud of myself when I alchemize that pain into a tool for change.
What is something you regret investing in financially?
I don’t regret anything, I think it is all part of our life path and process.
I think it is important to invest in high quality products. Instead of buying a shitty $50 pair of shoes every year for 4 years, buy the $80-120 shoes that are good and will last.
Also, spend your money with GOOD companies. Spend your money on things you believe in. Organizations you believe in. Small businesses instead of big ass corporations exploiting people. STOP BUYING STARBUCKS. Money is politics.
What is something you regret investing in emotionally?
I don’t regret anything; I think it is all part of our life path and the lessons we are meant to learn.
It took me a long time to learn the lesson of decentering men. I used to cry if a guy I liked didn’t like me back… If he only wanted to have sex with me but didn’t want to make it into a relationship… I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me. I was fat or ugly, or my personality was flawed. I’m not enough. I’m not worthy.
This is a hard lesson, and it's not a one-and-done thing because we live in a society where male approval is so ingrained in our psyche. Our bodies are commodified and consumed for men. We’re raised to see husband and kids as the end goal. Having a boyfriend, being “dateable,” and attractive is your badge of honor of worthiness as a woman in this society.
FUCK the way things are. Just because it’s normalized doesn’t mean it's right.
I’m a whole person who deserves to center her life on herself! I deserve my OWN attention. Not to be leaching it away on a Nick or Tyler who leaves me on read and doesn’t even see me as a human.
What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment?
(financially, emotionally, or time/energy-wise)
Therapy
Preparing and purchasing high-quality, healthy food
Probiotics (tummy issue solidarity)
YOUR HEALTH IS NOT A RENEWABLE RESOURCE!!!
When do you feel most creative?
I feel the most creative when I am creating something for someone else- a specific person or for grander society. I struggle to create solely for myself.
Timing-wise, I feel most creative in the morning. AFTER coffee.
How often do you compare yourself to others? When?
I find myself comparing my career path to others. Some people pop out of the womb knowing they want to be an accountant (bless their hearts) or an engineer.
I’ve learned that my path isn’t their path! I’m meant to have a full and rich life in a different way - trying many different jobs based on my passions or that season of my life.
I’ve swapped between wanting to be a singer, an attorney, and a social worker/therapist. I’ve been a waitress, an office manager, a policy intern, a legal assistant, and an admin assistant. I love trying new things.
I remind myself that every class, job, or internship I’ve done has taught me something about myself. It’s taught me what I like and don’t like. My negotiables and non-negotiables in a job. And that’s a win.
Recently, I’ve set my sights on grad school for marketing and comms. I want to travel. I want to have my own business where I do coaching, writing, and helping women and small businesses with authentic marketing. Everyone has a story. I want to help them access, embrace, and share it.
What is one thing you’d like to thank your past self for?
Thank you for loving me into being. Thank you for sticking through.
For always being there… You never abandoned me.
Thank you for dreaming of better. Thank you for seeing the end goal. Thank you for pushing through that suffering when you couldn’t really see the light on the other side.
Thank you for leaving that family behind. You don’t ever have to see them again. And I’m so proud of you.
What is one thing you believe about your future self?
She uplifts others. She alchemizes her painful experiences.
She does amazing things. She inspires me.
I’m so proud of her.
What is one thing you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood?
I’ve had to unlearn my guilt and lack of self-worth.
My parents were hurt people. Especially my dad. Hurt people hurt people. 18 years of being indoctrinated in that way of thinking affects a person. I thought I was flawed.
Your parents - the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. The people who are supposed to chronically overlook your flaws because they are blinded by their love for you. If those people think poorly of you…. If those people tell you you’re worthless... That they regret having you…. If they can hurt you - physically… If the thought of you brings so much anger to their mind that they will hit you... Wow. There must be something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you.
That’s the way children think. Parents are our guiding light in this world. They teach us how the world works. How to be a human. The treatment we deserve to accept.
I lived with that painful thought process until I was 18.
Guilt and low self-worth are not an incurable condition, though.
Self-love felt impossible and unattainable for so long, but I’m finally there. Some days I struggle with feeling flawed, but I don’t think I am inherently unworthy anymore.
I feel like an adult toddler every day. But I’m MY adult toddler. And I would never let those things happen to her. There is nothing a human could ever do to deserve being abused. I promise to protect her, love her, and only surround her with people who will love and protect her.
If anyone relates to the above experience, I wholeheartedly recommend You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. That book completely changed my life and gave me tools to build my self-worth from the ground up. It’s my bible.
Have you ever felt pure joy? When?
I can think of two times.
Gardening with my grandmother as a child. Really, any time spent with her. She loved me unconditionally and was the first person to make me feel important. As Mr. Rogers’ says, she loved me “into being,” into existence. She passed away when I was 9. I’m so lucky to have had those 9 years with her.
The second was when my little brother was born.
I was an only child until I was 14. My parents split up when I was 3 months old.
My dad remarried when I was 13, and my stepmom had my brother when I was 14.
I was at the hospital when my brother was born. I’m not a mother, but I felt a glimpse of that feeling they describe of wanting to do everything in your power to protect them. Unconditional love. Like your heart walking outside of your body.
I felt true, pure love for him in that moment. Babies are perfect. We are all those perfect babies still. We are all God in “drag.” And I see that God so clearly through my brother.
He’s 8 years old now, and I’m so proud of the complex, emotionally intelligent, and kind boy he is. He has been through some tough transitions and times in the past 4 years, and he always stays kind.
What is something that would feel really good to get off your chest?
It would feel really good to share my story with someone. In full. I’m so tired of holding it by myself. It’s heavy. I’m tired.
I understand that these things are heavy, and I don’t believe in trauma dumping, but I feel like some of my friends don’t want to hear my story. It really hurts my feelings.
If recalling my story makes you uncomfortable, imagine how uncomfortable it is for me to have lived it…. to have nightmares…. to have had to get a restraining order because I was being stalked and harassed by my FATHER…
EVERYONE experiences pain, and everyone’s pain is valid. But, it’s hard sometimes to talk to people who complain about little things like their mom “annoying” them or being sad because a guy doesn’t text them back, but they don’t hold space for my story…. and there are others with worse stories than me! I’m a cis white woman. There are people who have had similar abuse to me and also faced systemic oppression.
Some people just lack context I guess.
Recently, I found a trauma therapist and went to my first appointment. (I’ve been to talk therapy before, and it was meh.)
I’m really excited to release this story and share it with her, especially because she’s a professional. Survivors of childhood abuse often have deeply entrenched shame and are forced to keep their story a secret. My story deserves to be heard.
When do you feel most in your feminine energy?
Leaving the beach. Swimsuit still wet. Front seat. Windows down. Sun is shining. Wind is blowing my hair. Playing “Still the One” by Orleans. Singing. Feeling the heat of the sun on my skin through the windshield. Loose, unbridled happiness. My body is smiling.
What is one interaction that changed your life?
I wish I could think of one specific interaction.
I love the quote, “We are all a mosaic of everyone we’ve ever loved.” I think every person in my life plays a special role. It takes a village. I’m grateful for all of the kindness I’ve received over the years. I was struggling in silence for a very long time, and the people who were kind to me didn’t know how impactful their small acts of kindness were. Coworkers, classmates, teachers, my friend’s parents, and strangers are what kept me going.
Never doubt a kind act - “I saved a seat for at lunch.” “This book reminded me of you.” “I saw you weren’t in class today- I emailed you the notes.” An act of kindness might keep someone from giving up.
What is something you want to give up?
My dad’s last name! And I’m doing that. This week I mailed the name change petition (signed by a judge) to the birth certificate office! I should have my new birth certificate in a month or so.
The feeling is hard to describe. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. It feels amazing. I chose the new name for myself. Not my mom’s maiden name. Not a man's last name. Just for me. MY new chapter.
What is something you want to take up?
I’d love to create a daily practice of creating. Having that container for expression built into my day, so that I’m not only creating when inspiration hits.
I want to build something, and building takes consistency. Rome wasn’t built in a day!
What do you believe is a universal truth?
Love. Karma. Law of Attraction.
BONUS: Tell me something good.
LIFE’S ABOUT TO GET GOOD!!! Be in hopeful anticipation, my love! You are so deserving and worthy of a beautiful life. And you are going to take it for yourself.
Comments