Age: 32
Relationship Status: In a relationship
Occupation: State Employee
Income: 60k
Astrological Sign: BIG Gemini, (Capricorn Moon – idk if the moon matters, lol )
What is your first thought every morning?
Thank God I'm not dead or hungover. I instantly have to remind myself that I’m grateful to be alive and that I get another chance…for today.
What is something you do solely for you?
Workout – I fell off and gained weight, so it's taking me a little to fall back in love with it again; it seems like a chore now that I'm heavier, but once I finish a workout, I'm instantly happy, and I know it’s better than crying in bed.
What is something you dread?
My mother passing, my dad passed almost a decade ago after being in jail most of my life and I just would lose my shit if my mom and I didn’t grow old together. Or if I didn’t have a child while she’s alive. Also, struggling forever.
What is something you are looking forward to?
Sleep, food, my nieces and nephews, listening to new music, eating an edible, and being in solitude doing whatever I want, creating my own space for myself, not giving a f-ck.
When do you feel most accomplished?
When I work out, when I do my hair, like 8-hour braids after working two jobs, when I can help my family. I got a new position at work, and after the shift is over, I feel like THAT GIRL .. because I never thought I’d be where I am now.
What is something you regret investing in financially?
Almost any loan or credit card. I’ve made some mistakes in life and it just feels like I’ll be paying them off forever.
What is something you regret investing in emotionally?
I want to say love - not being able to let go or know my worth at times. I’ve been hurt in most of my relationships. Abused, run dry…I’m such a lover girl but, that has hardened me to a damn stone. People say I act like a dude at times or a “gentlewoman” because I just don’t try to depend on anyone anymore, even my own family, it sucks, I want a soft life.
What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment?
(financially, emotionally, or time/energy-wise)
Self-Care, no matter what it is.
Great food.
I don’t have a third one…maybe just to find happiness.
When do you feel most creative?
When I'm singing, cooking, writing – hell, even working out or putting together a super-set.
How often do you compare yourself to others? When?
EVERYDAY! I hate that it's come to this honestly: people’s lives, money, jobs, homes, all of it. I often wonder if my family had set me up for college or if I had played a sport, I would have been more mature or further along in life. I know you can only see the surface or what people reveal, but I can't help but wish it was me thriving for once.
What is one thing you’d like to thank your past self for?
For still showing up. There were many days when I would just want to rot or leave this earth or cry all day and night (sometimes I still do), but I just kept pushing and thugging it out. It is definitely easier said than done.
What is one thing you believe about your future self?
That I will be happy. One day, I will reach my body goals, show my mom and dad I am the one, and exceed their hidden expectations of me being the person they always depend on… I can make it! Make them proud.
What is one thing you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood?
People aren’t here forever; deaths, friendships, sisterhood ... all we have are memories.
Have you ever felt pure joy? When?
When I hit a PR in the gym! When I went on a 7.5-mile hike solo! Teaching myself how to skate backward. Being able to pay my bills and treat myself. Watching my family have great days, and mostly as a kid, oh, to be a kid again.
What is something that would feel really good to get off your chest?
I always think I'm the friend who burdens everyone. After two major deaths in my life, I got 2 DUIs and was in a low state, but nobody knew. None of my friends have records or have been through most of what I endured - no excuses, I own it - but they do the same things as I do, without penalty. Anytime I'm having fun or doing well, I think, the bad is coming.
When do you feel most in your feminine energy?
When I wash my hair, take a shower, and just do the girly regime I’ve learned. Even to just put on perfume and smell good, to know I'm moisturized and I've taken care of myself.
What is one interaction that changed your life?
One of my exes gave me an STD almost a decade ago; I still struggle mentally. I regret ever meeting them. I’ve never been a fast girl and have always protected myself, but they robbed me of my body. Sometimes, I think I stay too long in certain relationships because of it. I've never been rejected because of it, but to love is to tell my partner - I don’t want the world to think I'm a germ for being honest.
What is something you want to give up?
Not believing in myself. And drinking, not totally, but not every day. During COVID, it started. I was a stoner mainly, and then, between work, family, weight gain, and depression, I was drinking almost a whole bottle every night after work.
What is something you want to take up?
A run club, Pilates, something active, or maybe therapy again.
What do you believe is a universal truth?
To whom much is given, much is required – at least for me. I have been through hell since I turned 13… at some point, I pray that this is all God’s plan for me to come out of the mud one day.
BONUS: Tell me something good.
I kept typing and erasing this. But I’m glad I found this page, and I'm just happy to have another day on earth with my family and friends. I worked out today too, so I'm moving in the right direction.
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