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Writer's pictureDevyn Penney

#174. paying of debts, preserving memories & choosing yourself




Age:28 

Relationship Status:Divorced  

Occupation: Full-time student, part-time marketing assistant.

Income:27k but broke AF

Astrological Sign: Leo 

 

What is your first thought every morning?  

How will today turn out? I start almost every morning with a workout, which truly sets my day up. So, my first thought is what to wear and how today will go with work, with my studies, with life. And I try to make each day a good one. 

 

What is something you do solely for you? 

I write a lot. My thoughts, my feelings, my memories, my experiences – everything.  I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember, and now, at 28, I can look back on so many stages in my life. 20-year-old me who left my small hometown, 16-year-old me who went to her first concert,  and 26-year-old me who felt like she married the wrong person.  It has always been my way of processing & preserving moments and expressing myself.  

 

What is something you dread?  

I dread telling my friends that my marriage ended and that I moved from the city I once called home. None of my friends know that I moved and am living a completely different life, with a new job and everything.  It’s been 4 months since our divorce, and I feel like I don’t have the energy to tell anyone. I’m just focused on myself, right now. It’s taken a toll on me. Even though it truly is for the better, and I'm thriving – it will be hard to tell my girls. I will cry, and they will cry with me. 

 

What is something you are looking forward to? 

I look forward to my life just becoming a bit brighter. I have found myself, and the spark in me that I haven’t seen for years has been coming back. Now, I just want life to become a little brighter; I want to forget about all the hurt and past mistakes.  I’m graduating soon, so I look forward to finding a full-time job that I enjoy, where I can pay off my debt and just work full-time and have routines. I also look forward to traveling! 

 

When do you feel most accomplished?  

When I show up for myself. By keeping the promises I have made myself and by keeping a routine.  I don’t necessarily feel accomplished when I get promoted or get a good grade - I am proud of myself, of course, but I really feel like I'm on top of the world and unstoppable when I show up for myself.

What is something you regret investing in financially?  

Taking out loans. There was a point in my life when I was down bad, and I didn’t have the courage to ask for help - even though I was surrounded by friends & family who would have shown up for me with no questions asked. I didn’t want to take that path. I’m still paying my loans off two years later, and I regret it so badly because it has affected my life in the most negative way.  

 

What is something you regret investing in emotionally?  

My ex-husband. I don’t regret meeting him because there was a time when we loved each other so deeply, so beautifully, that I believed nothing could ever come between us. I regret investing emotionally in him.  I knew quite early on after our wedding that this wasn’t it. But I loved him, and a woman who is in love does not always use logic. I wish we could just have stayed friends. He was my first love, but I truly lost myself - my spark, my joy, my dreams – and that is on me. I regret pouring so much of myself, my energy, and my love into a man who could never value, appreciate, or see me.  

 

What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment? 

(financially, emotionally, or time/energy-wise) 

  1. Traveling & having an emergency fund.

  2. Investing in your friendships/relationships. 

  3. Moving your body & exercising. 

 

When do you feel most creative?  

I cook and bake a lot, so I’d say I feel most creative in the kitchen.  I love it. 

 

How often do you compare yourself to others? When?  

The one thing I compare myself to is people my age who have a degree and work full-time. I see younger people who seem to have it all figured out, and I can’t help but feel like I’ve somehow failed because I haven’t reached that point yet. It’s not envy; it’s more about feeling like I'm behind. But I'm quick to remind myself that my path is different, and life isn’t linear.  

 

What is one thing you’d like to thank your past self for?  

For always choosing me. For staying true to my values and following my own path, even when it was different from what others were doing.  I thank myself for doing life how I want to, even when I am hard on myself. And I thank myself for having the courage to leave my ex. I applaud myself each day for it!! I'm still healing, but I did that!! THANK GOD. 

 

What is one thing you believe about your future self?  

I fully believe it will all work out. For the past three years, especially during my marriage, I felt like I was on autopilot.  If you asked me about 2021,2022, 2023 – I honestly couldn’t tell you what I did. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever clear my debts and be able to put everything behind me. But I trust things will fall into place. Life will never be perfect, but I believe I will become the woman I've always dreamed of being. I’ll be there soon. It will all be okay.

What is one thing you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood? 

I actually can’t think of a single thing. I’m quite close to my family, and I value and love my parents a lot. I had a wonderful upbringing with closeness, love, and support. I’m so grateful for that. 

 

Have you ever felt pure joy? When?  

My first trip to Bali. It had been my dream vacation for years, and when I finally went, it was everything I hoped for.  It felt like a surreal place. I truly felt pure joy when I was there.  

 

What is something that would feel really good to get off your chest? 

I got an abortion 3 months before I told my ex-husband that I was leaving him. I knew it was time to leave the city I had called our home and the man I once saw as my everything. His dream was always to have children, and I always told him I wanted to wait. He never pushed me, but once I became pregnant, I knew it was time to leave.  No one knows. If he couldn’t consider me, value me, or show his love for me – how could I ever raise a family with him? I also knew I myself wasn’t ready to become a mother. 

 

When do you feel most in your feminine energy? 

Getting ready with my girlfriends, blasting music while we get ready and go out for dinner or whatever. I loveeeee it. 

 

What is one interaction that changed your life?  

My first interaction with my ex-husband. Now that we are no longer together, that interaction changed everything—my view on men, life, and love.  

 

What is something you want to give up?  

Beating myself up for not being where I want to be at the age of 28. I can make a list of why I feel like a failure. But I can also make a list of how badass I am. In other words, I have to stop overthinking so much. 

 

What is something you want to take up?  

Running! I used to run a lot in my early 20s. Even though I live a pretty active lifestyle, mostly with yoga/weightlifting, I miss the feeling of running. I started last week, I managed 4 miles. I’m getting there. 

 

What do you believe is a universal truth?  

Kindness and goodness are never wasted – both always have an impact.  

 

BONUS: Tell me something good.  

It will all work out!!!!!! 

 

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