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Writer's pictureDevyn Penney

#173. intrusive thoughts, homeschooling & overcoming hardships





Age: 41

Relationship Status: married for 17 years but together for 22 years

Occupation: SAHM, homeschooling a 5th grader

Income: Don't bring any income into this household, but plenty of love! 

Astrological Sign: Scorpio Sun, Virgo Moon


What is your first thought every morning?

What I need to do when I wake up, my typical routine, how our school day will go.


What is something you do solely for you?

I started a daily yoga practice in the spring of 2022. It started with, let me do this every day for a month to, I can do this for one more month. Here I am over 2 years later, and I have not missed a day. I have been sick, taken care of a sick child, been on multiple vacations, and had major surgery (I had limitations but still did it). It is how I start my mornings off, and it has become so ingrained into my routine that I start to panic if the day passes and I have not done it yet. It has nothing to do with a fitness journey; it is just something I do for myself, and it has been a rewarding journey.


What is something you dread?

I have dreadful/intrusive thoughts every day. I need to work on it; I worry too much. I worry about the health of my child, husband, and other loved ones. I worry about my own health. I worry about my two pets. Death is the most dreadful thought I have. Someone being taken from me too soon. I sometimes don't live in the moment and worry/dread too much about the potential future. I would love to turn that sometimes into rarely.


What is something you are looking forward to?

I look forward to watching my son grow and seeing who he will become as a teen, young adult, and older adult. I have told him already that he does not have to get married or have kids. It is his choice of what path to take. The same goes for religion. We are not a religious family, and we rarely talk about it, but I would never hold him back from his curiosity. As a child, many of these things were thrown at me in my generation and the ones before that. You have to go to church. You have to get married. You have to have kids. You have to do this or that. I have zero regrets about being married and having a child because that was the right path for me, but I do look forward to seeing which path my son chooses.


When do you feel most accomplished?

I feel the most accomplished when my son masters a skill. Whether it be school-related or something else. Currently, it has mostly been school-related. He does really well in math and is an excellent speller - I have been teaching him for the last 5 years. I think to myself... I helped with that, and I am proud!


What is something you regret investing in financially?

Honestly, my college degree. I have a Master's in a field I have no desire to go into. If I could go back in time and change that, I would. I worked hard for it and even did an internship. Being in my 40s, I can confidently say that it was not meant for me. I am happy with my current position of staying home and being a teacher to my child, but I am unhappy with the degree choice I have to fall back on.


What is something you regret investing in emotionally?

I invest too emotionally into doom-scrolling. No good comes of it; internally, I tell myself to stop but don't listen. I will see a headline about something tragic and read it, then look more into it, and then I get really upset. I need to stop.


What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment?

(financially, emotionally, or time/energy-wise)

  1. A caring and devoted significant other if you want that in your life. I have seen too many one-sided relationships, especially in the parental world. You have one parent doing absolutely everything while the other thinks they don't have to because they work or because they are the masculine figure. I could go on and on about this, but seriously, if you want a partner in life, choose one who is respectful and supportive.

  2. A friend, or friends, who will be there for you through the good or bad. Even with everyone's busy lives, sometimes it is hard to get together or talk all of the time. But, if you have that one person in your life you can reach out to in a time of struggle, and they are there for you. That's priceless. I am very fortunate to say I have a few people like that in my life. They help keep me grounded.

  3. A really good mattress. You spend several hours a week on it. Choose a mattress you know you will sleep well on. As I get older, getting a good night's sleep is a must for me!


When do you feel most creative?

I feel most creative when listening to really good music of my choice. Every day, I have music going. During the school day, I cook, run errands, etc. When I have my favorite music playing, I feel like I can do or create anything.


How often do you compare yourself to others? When?

When I was younger, I was guilty of comparing myself to others. I went to a school district where it was predominantly a specific race, and I wanted to be that race because I felt so different and ugly. I would be told hateful comments at times, too. So, I grew up thinking my skin tone was not pretty enough or my features were too odd. As I got older, though, I stopped thinking that way. Now in my 40s, I don't think that way. Especially being with a man who is a different race than me and who tells me I'm beautiful constantly.


What is one thing you’d like to thank your past self for?

I  would like to thank my past self for overcoming some hardships. I have had two miscarriages, a very scary pregnancy (I bled a lot), and recently, I had a hysterectomy due to fibroids and adenomyosis. It was a tough journey getting through all of them, but I stayed strong and thankfully had support on my side too. Overall, my strength and mental capacity got me through the recovery, and I thank myself for that.


What is one thing you believe about your future self?

I believe I will still be in a content and peaceful marriage but with more wrinkles and random aches.


What is one thing you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood?

You don't have to go to a 4-year college, you don't have to get married, and you don't have to have kids. Am I happy I did all these three things? Yes. But it should never be the blueprint for everyone's life.


Have you ever felt pure joy? When?

I am grateful to say I have had so many pure joy moments! But the first thing that pops into my head is seeing my son walk for the first time. He was a late walker, 16 months, but crawled like a pro. It was the night before Christmas Eve, and my husband and I were sitting in the living room with him while he was playing with toys. Then it was like he decided... I'm going to stand up and walk like I have been doing this for a while. The joy I felt was indescribable! 


What is something that would feel really good to get off your chest?

I am FUCKING pissed about how much control the government has over women's bodies and you will NEVER change my mind about that!


When do you feel most in your feminine energy?

I feel like when I get that motherly instinct about something, and I am typically right, I am in tune with that feminine energy.


What is one interaction that changed your life?

This sounds cheesy but meeting my husband when I was 17 years old. We didn't start dating until a year later. If I had not met him through a mutual friend at that moment, I probably would have never met him. Here I am 22 years later, and we have built a solid and happy life together.


What is something you want to give up?

I already mentioned it above but my anxious/intrusive thoughts. I must give up the “what ifs” when it reflects something negative.


What is something you want to take up?

I would love to become a master seamstress and make my own clothes. That being said, I would actually need to take the first step and put effort into actually learning. I can sew a button, though!


What do you believe is a universal truth?

It never hurts to ask for something that may not be achievable. You will never know until you do.


BONUS: Tell me something good.

My husband and I bought an acre of land in our area a few years ago and will be starting the process of building our dream home. I know it'll be stressful, but I'm also looking forward to that next chapter!

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