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Writer's pictureDevyn Penney

#138. moments of joy, making mistakes & emotionally immature parents




Age: 34, turning 35 in one month!

Relationship Status: married

Occupation: Nurse Practitioner

Income: $150,000

Astrological Sign: Sagittarius

 

What is your first thought every morning?

I need more sleep! I have a such a busy day ahead of me, and I am already still tired. I really should go to bed earlier, but as a full-time working mom, those few hours after bedtime that I get to myself are absolutely precious and I refuse to relinquish them.

 

What is something you do solely for you?

I get regular mani/pedis and haircuts/color. I am not vain or into my appearance at all, but these basic services help me to feel even the slightest bit pulled together. On days when I throw on scrubs and barely brush my hair, having a fresh gel mani and no greys helps me feel a bit better.

 

What is something you dread?

Something happening to my husband. My husband is my best friend in the world, and he has MS. We grew up together- we have been together since we were 17 but were next-door neighbors since we were 6 years old, so we genuinely have been through everything together. He has suffered with this horrible disease for a long time now, and as the years go by, I see it wear on him more and more. Small things that we were able to do, we have to adjust for or can no longer do, which causes this disease to just feel more real each day.

 

What is something you are looking forward to?

Continuing to watch my daughter grow up. I know everyone says it, but it has been truly amazing to see her become her own person, with her own personality and likes and dislikes. I cannot wait to see her change the world.

 

When do you feel most accomplished?

When I complete any tasks that have been on my to-do list for way too long. Often, these are the tasks that take just a few minutes, but my ADHD functional freeze really gets in my way sometimes.

 

What is something you regret investing in financially?

My wedding. I do not regret getting married, but I regret giving into the pressure of having a large traditional Italian wedding. We could have put that money towards a home or our retirement. That being said, it was a great party.  

 

What is something you regret investing in emotionally?

Thinking too much about my childhood, particularly my emotionally immature mother. When I became a mom, I truly began to realize that how she treated me was not right, and I have spent many years in therapy doing inner-child work and trying to break the cycle of generational trauma. Too many times, I have let her emotions, feelings, and opinions of me affect me on such a deep level, and I still carry resentment that the things that were (and were not) said and done to me as a child have shaped me and left me with some serious health challenges today- such as ADHD, PCOS, and obesity. I have been informed by my therapist that these conditions go hand in hand and that they are all linked to childhood trauma to a degree.

 

What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment?

(financially, emotionally, or time/energy-wise)

  1. Financially- saving for retirement. It’s hard to think so far into the future, but time passes so quickly, and it will be nice to feel stability as we age.

  2. Emotionally- going to therapy. It is a big commitment, but it has been huge for my healing and even communication with others in all aspects of my life.

  3. Time-wise- anything that you consider self-care. Sitting in silence. Meditation. Taking a walk. Going to Target. Getting cocktails with a good friend. Reading a book. Binging Netflix with your favorite take-out. Find what fills your cup and give yourself a few minutes each day to do it.

 

When do you feel most creative?

When I am baking. The act of making something with my own hands for the simple enjoyment of my family and friends is everything. I add my own twists to recipes and experiment, and it gives me a bit of freedom to feel creative.

 

How often do you compare yourself to others? When?

Moderately often. I used to do it constantly, but have recently decreased it. I’ve realized that no one is the exact same as me, so I should not be comparing myself to them. I do still find myself envious of what I believe some people’s lives to be, and social media plays a huge part in that. But I always say, you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

 

What is one thing you’d like to thank your past self for?

Going to school and working hard to do well. There were many times I wanted to switch colleges or majors to something less challenging, but I stuck it out and my degree from my university opened many doors for me. Working hard in general and my resiliency have been important in many more aspects of my life than I thought they would be.

 

What is one thing you believe about your future self?

That she will be truly content. That she will be able to stop thinking about the past and worrying about the future. She will be able to truly enjoy the present moment in front of her.

 

What is one thing you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood?

It is okay to rest, and to need help. These are two things, but they go together for me. I grew up in a house where you were not allowed to sleep in late, even on the weekends, and you always had to be busy - there was always something to be done. And, whatever you had to do, you could not ask for help doing it. You had to figure it out on your own.

 

Have you ever felt pure joy? When?

The moments of joy that stick out most in my life are when I got married (it felt like the best fresh start with my best friend) and when I found out I was pregnant (we tried and struggled for some time), and when my daughter was born. I held her for the first time, 24 hours after delivery (I had complications and was not allowed to hold or see her immediately after until I stabilized). Now I am smiling.

 

What is something that would feel really good to get off your chest?

I envy people who have good relationships with their parents. I know no family is perfect, but I long to feel cared about by my parents. I just want them to text me and ask me how I am doing or what is new in my life. I have tried so hard to create that relationship, and realized that if I stopped initiating contact, there sadly is no contact at all.

 

When do you feel most in your feminine energy?

When I am having sex- I feel so powerful. It is always so amazing to me that our bodies can feel so much pleasure, and we can share that pleasure with others.

 

What is one interaction that changed your life?

A meeting with my first nurse manager. I had made a mistake, and she met with me to discuss the mistake. I immediately started putting myself down in front of her. She was a tough person, very critical, but she looked at me and told me to stop immediately. She never wanted to hear me speak about myself that way again, and she said that making a mistake does not change my character or make me a bad person or nurse. It meant a lot to me because 1. She was known as being super tough, and I was not expecting that response, and 2. I never heard anything like that growing up. When I made a mistake, I was sent to my room for a time out alone.

 

What is something you want to give up?

My overthinking. I believe it has helped me in some ways to this point, but I just want to experience what it feels like to make a decision without overthinking every last thing.

 

What is something you want to take up?

Taking better care of my physical health. I feel so much better when I eat better and move more, but the first step is always the hardest. I also sometimes feel that there is not enough time in a day for all of this, but I know in the long run I will be thankful that I made the time.

 

What do you believe is a universal truth?

What goes around comes around. You attract what you put out.

 

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I accepted a new job that seems both challenging and rewarding and compensates me significantly better than my current job! This is huge news for a chronic overthinker. Also, doing this entire activity has been oddly therapeutic for me, so thanks!

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