#135. fleeting life, career fulfillment & regrets vs. experiences

Age: 23

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: PhD Student

Income: 28k

Astrological Sign: Aries

What is your first thought every morning?

Unfortunately, it’s probably about what kind of caffeine I’m going to have that morning and then immediately into what my schedule for the day looks like.

What is something you do solely for you?

I get myself a chai latte and walk around a used bookstore every weekend (usually on Sundays). If I have any extra money left over after life steals most of it, I go and paint pottery as gifts for others.

What is something you dread?

Public speaking; I only have to do it like 2-3 times per year but every time I do it terrifies me. I manage to push through it but never seem to get better at it.

What is something you are looking forward to?

My career. I have put so much time and effort into my education that I cannot wait to reap the benefits of my hard work. I also work in a male-dominated field, so it is really exciting to be a different from the norm. Less than three years to go!

When do you feel most accomplished?

I give so much of myself to my education that reaching milestones is really personal for me. So, I feel most accomplished when I finish a project that I have put so much effort into.

What is something you regret investing in financially?

I wish I had gone to a public university for my undergrad instead of a private university. I got a subpar education for almost double the price that I would have gotten at a public institution. My degree is not worth the 120K in debt I’m currently in.

What is something you regret investing in emotionally?

 A year ago, I probably would have answered with some past relationships/friendships of mine. But I have recently been trying to change my thought process and reevaluate whether someone is a regret or an experience. I have been trying to teach myself not to see any past relationships as a regret because, at the end of the day, no matter how brief or negative, they changed who I am and became a part of my experience. I have been altered by all the people I have loved and who have loved me, and while they may not have ended well, they have served a purpose in making me who I am today.

What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment?

(financially, emotionally, or time/energy-wise)

1.      Coffee

2.      Sibling relationships

3.      Peace of heart

When do you feel most creative?

When I am painting or baking. You can create anything you want, there truly is no limit.

How often do you compare yourself to others? When?

I wish I could say never, but that’s not true. As a girl who grew up with social media, it can be hard to separate myself from what I see online. I have definitely gotten better at it, but it usually happens when I am already looking for something to pick apart about myself.

What is one thing you’d like to thank your past self for?

Her tenacity: thank you for persevering and not allowing roadblocks to stop you, but to reroute you.

What is one thing you believe about your future self?

She is going to make such a difference in the field she chooses to work in. She is going to be loved and happy and kind to others.

What is one thing you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood?

That yelling is the only way to be heard. I grew up in a loud family where you had to shout to be heard by everyone. I have learned as an adult that the right people will listen to you even if you whisper because they care more about what you have to say than the volume you say it at. (Bonus: I don’t get talked over as much anymore!)

Have you ever felt pure joy? When?

Being told that I am a safe space for some of my friends. I am so grateful to hear that I cultivate a space where people feel comfortable to be themselves around me.  

What is something that would feel really good to get off your chest?

I would love to scream my anger at someone who really hurt and betrayed me. Most days, I don’t even feel it anymore, but at times, I remember the girl I was when they hurt me, and I get angry all over again. I know yelling at them wouldn’t fix anything long-term, but it might feel nice in the moment.

When do you feel most in your feminine energy?

I feel most in my feminine energy when I leave my hair natural and wear an outfit that makes me feel good about myself. Feeling feminine doesn’t have to always be about how you look but I am definitely someone that prescribes to the thought process of “look good, feel good, do good”.

What is one interaction that changed your life?

It was actually a lack of interaction that changed my life. Life got in the way, and I went a few months without speaking to someone I grew up with who was basically a surrogate little sister. I woke up one morning to the news that she had died in a car accident the night before at just 20 years old. I became painfully aware of the morality of humans and how quickly a life can end. I am now more proactive in telling my friends/family how much I love them, never letting anyone leave without a hug, and checking in with others more often. You never know it’s your last interaction with someone until they’re gone; all you’re left with are memories.

What is something you want to give up?

I want to give up the idea that I need a partner to be happy. I already have so much fulfillment in my career, friends, and family that I need to retrain my brain to not think I need a partner in addition to all the wonderful aspects of my life. It can be hard, though, when I see others so in love.

What is something you want to take up?

I want to re-take up piano. I was trained classically for my entire childhood. When I got to high school, I was embarrassed about it, so I quit. I regret that every day because I lost most of my talent along with a piece of myself just to try and impress some stupid kids that I’m not even friends with anymore.

What do you believe is a universal truth?

The kindness and love you put into the world will always come back to you when you need it most.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I am happy because I cultivate a life filled with things, people, and places that make me happy. It’s not something that just happens; you have to work for it. But the good news is that you have all the time in the world to find what brings you joy and live for it!