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#125. sobriety, a slower life & art as expression

Writer's picture: Devyn Penney Devyn Penney



Age: 24.5 (the half feels important)

Relationship Status: With my girlfriend of almost 2.5 years

Occupation: Business Journalist turned Public Relations Consultant (New Job!!)

Income: $27 - $35 per hour for consulting

Astrological Sign: Aquarius Sun, Leo Moon, Cancer Rising

 

What is your first thought every morning?

“I don’t want to work today.”

I just put in notice at my reporting job, so I know this is temporary, but I’ve hated this job for months.

I make $17/hr there despite working in this industry over 6 years and got placed on assignments that were irrelevant to my beat. I’m grateful this chapter of my life is closing soon, as I hate immediately feeling dread in the morning.

 

What is something you do solely for you?

Paint / draw / dance.

I did ballet for over 10 years, so I try to find time to dance around my current home and plan on building an art/dance studio on the property I just bought. My grandmother taught me to paint, so it's something we do together when I see her. She taught me art is an expression of how we feel, so I tend to create when writing isn't enough to express my emotions.

 

What is something you dread?

My cat’s death. That feels so silly to me as she’s only 5, but she’s got a heart condition where the average lifespan is shortened to 8-12 years. I cry about it a lot despite her being an active, playful kitty. I adopted her during a major rough patch in my life, and she’s been by my side since. I feel like I grieve preemptively, but I’m a very emotional person, so that can apply to a lot.

 

What is something you are looking forward to?

Renovating my house! My partner and I just closed on a place that has a lot of character. It’s an old farmhouse we’re restoring to its original beauty (No millennial white over here, I’m a maximalist.)

 

When do you feel most accomplished?

When I find ways to help new businesses flourish. As a reporter I covered new businesses coming to my region and decided to pivot to public relations so I can help more businesses obtain that type of coverage and best represent themselves. I think so many entrepreneurs have great ideas but lack the resources or funding to share them. I really want to find ways to elevate their stories and push them beyond just selling a product/service.

 

What is something you regret investing in financially?

A bass guitar & amp. I really want to learn to play, but I’m not coordinated at all and have touched it maybe 5 times since buying it a few years ago. I love punk and rock music, so I compare myself to artists who have been playing for years and songs with effect pedals I don’t have access to.

 

What is something you regret investing in emotionally?

Men. I’m a later-in-life lesbian and didn’t realize it until 22. I spent so many years dating around and thinking something was wrong with me because I couldn’t find the right one. It ended up in a series of unfulfilling partnerships and messed with my self-worth for years. I’m grateful I found myself now, but really regret that chapter in my life. 

 

What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment?

(financially, emotionally, or time/energy-wise)

  1. Therapy - Until I did some deep intensive therapy work, I wasn’t able to unlearn a lot of traumas (both generational and acute.) I’ve been in therapy consistently since 2018 and have grown in ways my younger self couldn’t imagine. It’s hard work and honestly takes all 3 types of investment, but I am so proud of who I’ve become thanks to the skills and lessons I’ve learned. It’s been worth every penny.

  2.  A pet - if you have the time to care for it. I have three cats but have had one since 2021. She’s my baby and gets me out of bed on days I don’t want to move. I may neglect myself during rough patches, but I’d never neglect her. She’s taught me so much about responsibility and how much love an animal can bring into your life.

  3. A hobby - I do not care what it is, find a hobby. Having something to talk about and participate in other than your work or chores is so important. I used to be a very “all work no play” kind of person, but finding things that I enjoy outside of work have let me turn off that side of myself and have more energy to invest in the people and habits I love. I’ve been reading a lot more lately, but hobbies can vary and I think if you can, you should have more than one.

 

When do you feel most creative?

When reviewing music / making playlists. It’s not the most creative thing, but I love finding songs that seamlessly transition into each other, or at least have interesting dynamic changes. I was a college radio DJ for 3 years and loved when I could make a smooth transition on air. I also love reviewing music and blogging about that as much as I can. I get so much joy from finding smaller artists and highlighting their work. I don’t sing or successfully play anything, so it's about as close as I get.

 

How often do you compare yourself to others? When?

Almost always. Despite being an extrovert, I really struggle socially. I’ve never thought I was one of the “cool girls” and often feel like an outsider. Large, social gatherings can be really hard for me unless I’m hosting. I find myself comparing my job, my looks, and my weight often.

I’m surrounded by so many supportive, wonderful women. It can be hard to switch from comparison and twinges of jealousy to appreciating them for what they bring to my life and the world around us.

 

What is one thing you’d like to thank your past self for?

My Sobriety!! Being sober is finally getting sexy again (thank you mocktail brands <3) but, in all seriousness, I have really bad genes for addiction and saw myself going down that path after experiencing some really traumatic stuff at 19. I got sober before my 21st birthday, which was alienating, but I’ve gotten significantly more secure about it.

I hold really firm boundaries, and my friends know to never push them, which I’m really grateful for.

I’m a fifth-generation alcoholic, so finding my way toward recovery early was a blessing. The therapist who saw the warning signs genuinely changed/saved my life.

 

What is one thing you believe about your future self?

She is capable of more than I know. She’s also going to go through things I cannot predict and that scares me.

I’m a bit of a control freak, so knowing there are inevitable, negative things ahead of me as well as unpredictable negative things is terrifying.

In therapy I’m learning to trust myself more and understand that future problems are not mine to worry about now. I also remind myself that I have been through many terrible things and can get through other ones. My resiliency is my strength and that’s something my future-self will also be equipped with.

 

What is one thing you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood?

Success isn't everything and there is joy in a slower life. This is something my partner is continually teaching me, as she desires a slower, relaxed life.

I bring a very loud, workaholic, vibe to most places I go—It’s something I’m unlearning.

I was told continually as a kid that I am “a lot,” which brings so much shame. I’m trying to embrace my intense personality while also finding ways to unwind and appreciate that my life isn't 90-miles-a-minute.

Both my parents are successful in their careers and my mom placed hers to the side to raise my sibling and I. She’s back in it now, which is wonderful, but I compare myself a lot to the successes of my parents and feel far from equal.

 

Have you ever felt pure joy? When?

I’m honestly unsure. I think I hold myself back from feeling joy because I am surrounded by the “what ifs” of my insecurities.

“What if I annoy someone? What if something bad happens? What if this isn't actually making you happy?”

I was diagnosed with OCD earlier this year, so it’s probably intrusive thoughts holding me back, but I am very scared of being “too much.” I can be very intense and abrasive, so I tend to hold back my reactions when I can. 

 

What is something that would feel really good to get off your chest?

PEOPLE ONLY FIND ME ATTRACTIVE NOW BECAUSE I LOST WEIGHT

ugh !! I totally screamed that while typing which felt very cathartic. I lost significant weight after being diagnosed with Celiac Disease at 19. Most of that weight left my face/torso, and while I look different, I was attractive before and I’m attractive now.

I lost that weight because my body was finally not in a histamine reaction. I’m significantly healthier now, and that’s not due to the weight loss. It’s because I’m finally managing a chronic illness.

Seeing people find more value in me because I’m skinnier now has really messed with my body image. I was under-eating some while I navigated a major diet change. Now that I know what I can eat, I’ve learned to love food again and am fueling my body correctly. That’s come with some weight gain, which is really messing with me lately.

 

When do you feel most in your feminine energy?

It seems stereotypical but cooking for and taking care of my girlfriend. We’re in a pretty stereotypical butch/femme dynamic, so she can fix just about anything, and I take care of her after.

She’s actually a softer personality than me, but I love when I can soften and just focus on making sure she’s well-fed and well-loved.

 

What is one interaction that changed your life?

I was working at my local record store during the pandemic and struck up a conversation with a customer. She asked if I was a university student and told me I should join the college radio station. I ended up applying and eventually managing the station. Having a set routine helped so much during that time and kept me in school, as you had to be a student to get a show.

She and I are good friends to this day, but I hope she knows how much that interaction changed my trajectory.

 

What is something you want to give up?

Resentment and comparison. We hear “comparison is the thief of joy” often, but so is resentment. There are many people that wronged me, but I set boundaries to where they aren't present in my life. I feel anger toward some of them, of course, but it's not an all-consuming resentment like I used to have.

This is significantly easier said than done but communicating effectively and extending forgiveness are two things I want to work on.

Also, I can feel how upset I become when I compare myself to others and really want to learn to stop it.

 

What is something you want to take up?

Daily yoga and journaling. I used to journal nightly, but it’s difficult to be inspired to write for fun when you write for a living. I’m hoping now that I’m leaving this toxic job I will have the time and energy to journal again. I’ve also lost a lot of mobility and flexibility since leaving ballet. I’m hoping yoga will increase this and my attempts of being present in my body.

 

What do you believe is a universal truth?

You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep.

While I don’t believe someone is defined by their friends / connections, you can tell a lot about one's boundary setting skills, tolerance levels and morals by those they keep close or purposefully distant.

Also, if you’re trusted friends tell you they get sketchy / odd vibes from someone, hear them out. If that friend doesn't want the other person in their company, there's likely a reason why.

 

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I’m getting my Master’s Degree soon!!! I’m starting the program in the new year and studying the intersection between someone’s news diet and their perception of journalists.

I’m really excited to see how the industry can bring itself out of the PR crisis it's been in for almost a decade. I’m really passionate about making sure good, locally focused journalism survives and want to study ways to bring in new readers and keep the ones we have built.

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