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Writer's pictureDevyn Penney

#119. shame, acceptance & seeing people find hope




Age: 25

Relationship Status: In a relationship

Occupation: Therapist

Income: $70,000

Astrological Sign: Gemini


What is your first thought every morning?

On workdays, I always start by thinking about everything I have to do that day from the moment I open my eyes. This can be stressful things, fun things, any single thing. It’s exhausting and I would like to be more present in the moment. On weekends, I wonder if my Mom is awake and then I get excited to go have coffee with her and hangout with our dog.


What is something you do solely for you?

Any form of self-care. This includes going to the gym, taking my dog on a walk, skincare or doing my nails. Sometimes it’s lying in bed and letting myself cry. I try to keep up with what I know will make me feel better and put together. I feel like those forms of self-care allow me to be my best self on any given day.


What is something you dread?

Acknowledging my emotions, which I also feel shame about, given my profession. Sometimes my emotions feel big and scary, and I want to run away, avoid, or ignore them. I try to remember to check-in with myself and to allow myself to feel. I’m working on it.


What is something you are looking forward to?

I’m excited to buy a home one day, get married, and have my own dog. I look forward to seeing the person I continue to become. I find joy in thinking about having my own space and future. Although a house is a material thing, it is more a symbol of the freedom and space it will give me to be myself. I can garden, cook, and have a crafting room (hopefully). It will be a space I can be with my partner, raise a family, etc.


When do you feel most accomplished?

When I have a breakthrough with a client at work. Despite how stressful it can be, being a therapist truly feels like a gift and a privilege. To know I have people who trust me with their innermost thoughts, that allow themselves to be vulnerable (sometimes for the first time in their life) is not something I take lightly. Seeing a person find hope that they can heal is the best feeling of accomplishment I’ve experienced.


What is something you regret investing in financially?

Probably any fad trend or cheap item. Just because it’s a good deal doesn’t mean you need it. I really didn’t need half of the things I purchased in my early 20’s.


What is something you regret investing in emotionally?

People that weren’t healthy for me: friends, boyfriends, and family members alike. I lost a lot of my sanity in my teen years trying to rationalize with irrational people. I spent so much time screaming to be heard that I began to be comfortable with staying silent. I accepted mistreatment. I’m glad this is something I no longer allow myself to do.


What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment?

(financially, emotionally, or time/energy-wise)

1. Taking care of your mind and body. I look at my body like a home. I am the only person who will ever live in that home. I am the only person who can truly take care of that home. My home provides the safety and security I need to accomplish and overcome.

2. Relationships. When you have a good person in your corner, show them the love, acceptance, kindness, whatever it is they show to you. I will never come to the end of my life wishing I had bought more, worked more, slept more. I will always find importance in knowing I’ve loved those around me the same way they loved me.

3. Cultivating my own happiness and having fun. Even during the times I was the most broke or sad, I spent time doing things or with people who brought me joy and saved me when I felt like I couldn’t handle the stress of life. Don’t forget to have fun.


When do you feel most creative?

Anytime I engage in a hobby. I like to sew, embroider, paint. Even if I’m not totally happy with the finished product, I’m engaging my brain in a way I don’t always get to in other areas of my life.


How often do you compare yourself to others? When?

All the time. Whether that be income, the way my body looks, the quality of my relationship, I am always measuring my success and worth in relation to others. I know this is unhealthy, but it feels like a very hard habit to shake.


What is one thing you’d like to thank your past self for?

This will sound very cheesy, but not giving up. There was a time in my teens I no longer wanted to be alive. I acted on that thought once. When I failed, I made a promise to myself to push forward no matter how hopeless it felt. I look at that girl and no longer recognize her, but I thank her for trusting (even only minimally) that things could turn out okay.


What is one thing you believe about your future self?

That I can handle anything. Many of my worst fears have come true and yet I have made it this far. I truly believe I can make it through anything and accomplish the things I want.


What is one thing you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood?

That lashing out at others and stopping myself from being vulnerable would prevent pain I may feel from allowing other people to get close. Maybe I prevented some of it, but loneliness breeds far worse issues (in my opinion).


Have you ever felt pure joy? When?

Watching my mom get remarried. My brother and I walked her down the aisle to marry my step-father. I cried with happiness. It was a weird turn of events and not something most children get to experience with their parents. I felt like I was walking with her into a better chapter of her life.


What is something that would feel really good to get off your chest?

I feel a lot of shame about myself. I’m ashamed of negative past actions. I’m ashamed of thoughts I have sometimes. I’m also very dependent on nicotine, which I’m VERY ashamed of.


When do you feel most in your feminine energy?

Whenever I get dressed up in a way that makes me feel comfortable and confident. I very much love overalls, comfy sweaters, chunky boots. I feel very feminine when I express myself in any unique way I want to that day.


What is one interaction that changed your life?

In many ways, my last words with my father. The cliche sentiment is true: when you don’t know that those words will be your last with that person, you struggle to think about what you could’ve said, could’ve done. He took his life this year. I still read back our last conversation and wish I could’ve told him I loved him a thousand more times.


What is something you want to give up?

Anger. Anger at myself, others, situations... anger does not serve me. I need to start looking at the emotions beneath the anger. Those are the feelings I need to acknowledge.


What is something you want to take up?

Self-forgiveness. Both related to my past, but also when I fuck up. I hold myself to a very high standard and tend to beat myself up.


What do you believe is a universal truth?

If you look for the good, you will see the good. The same is true for the bad.


BONUS: Tell me something good.

For the first time in my life, I can trust everyone around me. I feel love, acceptance, and all of the things I thought I would never feel as a child. I am so incredibly lucky to have the life I live despite all of the heartache I’ve experienced.

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