#427. doing IUI, having audacity & making bucket lists

Age: 38

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Event Manager

Income: $62,000

Astrological Sign: Virgo

What is something you look forward to every day?

The last 45 minutes to an hour before bed. Once I’ve checked all of the boxes off for the day and there aren’t any other expectations of me. I get to just exist. Full disclosure, I’m constantly trying to figure out how to squeeze the most enjoyment out of that chunk of time/make it more productive… it’s a work in progress.

Describe how your year thus far is going, using only three words:

I’m really trying. 

What is the most valuable thing you have earned?

Is it a cop out to say my life? I look around, and I’m so incredibly proud of the life I’ve built all on my own. I have an incredible daughter, who I had through IUI with donor sperm. I own my house, which I bought on my own and filled with things that make me happy. My sweet pup is 13, I got him during the most toxic relationship of my life, and I love that he’s seen me through so many versions of me.

What is the most precious thing you have lost?

My grandma. You always think you’re going to have more time. She passed away unexpectedly 2 ½ years ago, and I think of her almost hourly. I hope that she knows how much she was loved and is missed.

Fill in the blank: if loving _____ is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Jeans.

Is there a moment in your life where preparation has met opportunity? Did you take it?

No one major moment sticks out. I’m a planner by nature, so I’m constantly looking ahead and thinking about next steps. Whether it’s a 5 Year Plan or a Bucket List to complete during the summer. Sometimes, in the midst of checking off the boxes, an opportunity comes along that I’ll happily take because I’m ready for it – like a job that presented itself at the “right” time or the perfect house that my realtor was able to get me in for an early showing  and I ended up buying. But, a lot of times the things I worry about never happen, and the most unexpected things come along and change the course of my life.

In a room full of people, who are you looking for?

My soulmate, I’ve always had this feeling it’ll be someone I recognize.

What is the most impactful, published piece of writing you have read?

(this could be a book, a poem, an article, a study, etc.)

I am forever a screen-shotter and saver of quotes and poems that resonate. In high school, I had a notebook just filled to the brim with ones I loved – I think it’s tucked away in a keepsake box. My journal is full of random quotes that made me smile or think or cry.

This year, I decided that my word of the year was going to be AUDACITY. I want my life to feel big and full and rich. Whenever I’m telling that to someone, it tends to evoke the same type of reaction – people think of audacity a certain kind of way… it doesn’t usually have the best connotation.

In March, I came across a poem called Audacity Looks Good on You, by Raquel Franco on Instagram (included below) and it was every single bit of what I wanted to say and feel and be. It came to me at the perfect moment. I printed off a few copies and hung one in my closet, one on the fridge, I tucked a copy in my journal, and a copy in the journal that I’m keeping to give to my daughter someday with stories of her life. I hope she grows to embody this same sentiment.  

AUDACITY LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, Raquel Franco

It’s time to take back our audacity. Fathers and sons have had their pistols cocked long enough. Let audacity be the dragon you mount every morning when you step out of bed. Claim joy and dance on every inch of space you weren’t allowed to take up. Dare to sit at tables you weren’t invited to and eat. Love your naked body. Beautiful for its fealty to keep you upright, not how much of the male gaze it attracts. When someone says you are gorgeous, say, “I know it,” and truly know it. Find a lover and a backseat. Sweat and tremble inside their mouth. Don’t hesitate to become every version of yourself you can imagine; a scholar, a mother, a love, an artist… Witness earth outside the city you were born in. See the crest of a mountain, brine of an ocean and believe in a big God. It’s not delusion. It’s yours to have. When you come to the end of this life let them say, audacity looks good on you.

When I am self-loathing, I tend to…

Spiral. What might start as loathing in one area, like the way I look that day, will spiral into a fear about my finances and then a certainty that I’ll never fall in love. It quite quickly jumps from one concern to my entire life and future being utterly and completely fucked.

When I am self-loving, I tend to…

Believe in a life bigger than myself. I make bucket lists (currently working on a 40 before 40 list), I start projects, I laugh more, I make plans with friends, I wear the red lipstick.

If you had endless amounts of talent and skill, what would you want to be famous or known for?

I want so badly to be an author, Emily Henry style.

How does the best relationship in your life make you feel?

Unstoppable.

When do you feel most inspired?

When I get an idea in my head and hyper-fixate on it for a while.

What is something that your inner child needs to hear from you?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and fuck anyone who makes you feel like you’re not worthy. That gap in your teeth, it’s going to go away. You’re going to kiss so many cute boys (and a few girls). You’re going to have friends who make you feel like you are magic.

What is something that your future self needs to hear from you?

I’m really at a loss to figure out what current me could possibly need to say to future me that future me wouldn’t already know. I just hope that future me is really fucking proud of everything that current me is doing. I’m in the thick of single-parent toddlerhood, while simultaneously trying to figure out who I am and what I want, and I hope that future me gets to bask in the spoils of the work that’s being done now. I hope future me is really proud that I didn’t settle.

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made a different decision, and do you wish you had?

I think the only thing that I wish I would have done differently was choose a more lucrative career path. I was really happy with the career I chose at the time, and it definitely led me on an interesting adventure. But now, in hindsight, I wish I would have thought a little bit more about what could have made me more money.

If money were no object, what is one thing you would have an unlimited supply of?

Plane tickets. I’d be traveling everywhere.

What is the most predictable thing about you?

If there is a man with potential date-ability, I will immediately inquire about the size of his calves (almost before I confirm if he’s single). It has taken on a life of its own, and everyone I know will immediately evaluate calf size for me.

What is the most unexpected thing that has ever happened to you?

Getting let go from my job when I was 7 months pregnant. Literally started what would be the best/hardest/craziest 8 months of my life.

Describe a time that you were in awe of your own courage or bravery:

When I decided at 34 that I was going to have a baby. I always joked that 35 was my panic age; if I hadn’t met anyone by 35, I’d look into adoption or foster care or having a baby on my own. The summer before I turned 34, I started to panic date. I only had a finite amount of time to meet someone and settle down. Obviously, nothing felt right.

Then, about a month after my birthday, I realized I didn’t want to wait until I was 35. So, I met with my doctor, picked a donor (with only 1 available vial of sperm), did an IUI – which miraculously worked on the first try, and now I’m a mama to the most incredible 3-year-old. Being a Single Mom by Choice is incredibly taxing at times – the mental load is insane – but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

The hopeful romantic in me hopes that someday I’ll meet someone and fall in love and have the fairy tale, but I’m not going to put my life on hold waiting for that to happen.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I’ve been in this really great mood lately, and I keep thinking about how amazing it is to be alive. Like, we get to be here and do anything we want. Wear outfits that feel good on our bodies, dance with people who make our hearts beat faster, travel and see new places, eat good food, laugh, get a little tipsy. It’s incredible really, and I feel so lucky to be here.