#393. broadway plays, raising boys & not becoming your mother

Age: 52

Relationship Status: MARRIED

Occupation: ADMIN ASSISTANT/BOOKKEEPER

Income: 53,000

Astrological Sign: LEO

If you had an extra hour each day, what would you do with it?

Knowing me, probably nothing. What would I like to do…take a walk, eat with my sons, but if being truthful, I would probably watch TV/, read a book/scroll social.

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

Spend less money on everyone else and take care of yourself for a change.

What is the worst piece of advice you have ever received?

Make amends with your mother. It will make you feel better. Just be honest.

OR…your husband’s a nice guy, just be okay with what you have.

When have you felt most accepted?

By my sons, during a conversation about some of our family’s struggles. I thought we had done a horrible job by losing our house, losing our vehicle, standing in line at God’s Pantry, but the boys told me the most they remember about it all was that I made everything into a game, and it helped to make it seem more fun instead of so hard.

When have you felt most supported?

I don’t know the answer to this one. I’ve never felt truly supported in all aspects of my personality, except for with my kids, who just let me be whoever I want to be. I’ve never felt as if someone knows the real me, so there is no support there. To an extent, my husband tells me to do whatever makes me happy, but he doesn’t like it or understand me.

Is there anything you are avoiding?

My mother. My father. Divorce. Trauma therapy. Making a decision on a career path. Making any concrete/real decisions to affect my life. Small decisions about daily life and travel are no big deal. Life decisions are a no-go. I get upset with staying status quo, but I am not in any hurry to try, and change things. It’s too scary.

Have you ever confronted a fear? How did it go?

There is the physical fear of coming out of the bedroom with my sons, as we thought someone was in the house when the alarm went off. Or when the bullet came through the bedroom wall above my son’s head from the neighbor committing suicide. Or running to the door when the home invasion happened downstairs. Or back into a house where the kitchen cabinet was on fire, putting out the fire before it spread. The mental fear is worse.

Fear of having a knee replacement and the other 7 surgeries I have had since 2017, of confronting my mother twice, which did not help the situation, talking to my sister honestly, which didn’t work, and truly being honest with my husband, who seems to exist in LaLa land. Being honest with myself about anything.

What is one promise that you have kept to yourself?

I have been a good mother and made sacrifices my mother never made to make sure my children were happy, had opportunities, had friends, had a mother who loved them, felt supported, felt heard. I would not let my mother destroy me. I have struggled mentally for years, but I made the decision a few years ago to no longer let her have the hold over me that she did. She still has some, but I have almost completely cut her out of my life except for family events. It is hard because she uses my mentally disabled sister as a tool to manipulate and guilt.

What is one promise that you have kept to someone else?

I have not given in to the fears of my mental health and have stayed. Before children, there were ideations all the time, but I promised myself and my children that I would stay for them. It has been an up-and-down battle, but I continue to stay, and the ideations are almost non-existent now.

The boys are my life. I promised my children they would have a better life than I had. I would never make them feel the way my parents made me feel, and I would never lay a hand on them or call them names.

How do you cope with stress?

Ha…I don’t…I am medicated. I read. I sleep. I talk with my kids. I watch shows on television that I have seen over and over, so I don’t have to think. I used to soak in a hot bath, but the depression/anxiety has gotten so bad that I have issues with taking showers/baths anymore. It is more of a struggle now than a stress relief.

What is a moment you are most proud of?

For myself, I am proud of completing my master’s degree, although I continue to stress about what I am going to do with it and have bad thoughts that I am not actually smart enough to use the degree in any way. And as a mother, I am proud that I raised 2 boys who are growing into fine young men. They treat people kindly, are empathetic, have manners, and have goals.

How do you celebrate yourself?

I take myself to dinner or a movie on the low end, or buy a new book. On the high end, I’ve traveled four times to conventions and to see Broadway shows.

What is something that you feel like you have to earn?

It used to be my parents’ love, but I know I will never feel like I have earned that. Friendships, I guess. They don’t come easily for me, as I am an over-sharer but also an introvert, even though that seems impossible.

What is something you feel like you are inherently worthy of?

Nothing.

When was the last time you changed your mind?

I change my mind every day, whether I want to or not. Many times, I just bend to the will of others because I don’t like confrontations or the idea that someone doesn’t like me. Someone else’s opinion can easily change something in my mind that I thought was set.

Is there anything you wish you could take back?

Arguing with my son’s football coach in the 7th grade because I am pretty sure it’s partly my fault that he did not make the 8th grade.

What does being true to yourself mean?

It means following what you feel in your heart, what you want to do, and listening to how you really feel. It is hard to do this if you have no confidence in yourself or your mind, or if you do not truly know who you are.

When do you feel in control?

At work mostly. Except for this last audit when they changed the rules up, as our superintendent is suspect, but I know I am excellent at what I do. I am confident in my ability to manage the school’s budget and take care of the staff.

When do you feel out of control?

I always feel out of control outside of work. With my mind, my finances, my health…I don’t feel like I’m ever in control of anything.

Finish this sentence: It’s my life and…

And I am struggling through it one day at a time. It may not be what you would do, it may not be exactly what I want to do, but I am surviving, and someday hopefully I won’t be just surviving, I will be living.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I paid off the condo for our annual beach trip. I cannot wait because it is one entire week when both of my kids are under the same roof, and we all do things together.

Also, even though I am looking for a second job, my husband is going to pay half the cost for me to go to see the revival of In the Heights.

I am scheduled to start back at the gym tomorrow, so hopefully, with this and a calorie deficit, I will start to drop some weight. I had to be different than others, whereas many just drop weight from bariatric alone, I, of course, have not.