#389. making mistakes, making money & being naked most of the time

Age: 25

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Currently unemployed

Income: Currently 0 (I have some savings and a side hustle, but it’s not enough to sustain me on my own, so I’m back home)

Astrological Sign: Sagittarius!!! (that’s all I know)

If you had an extra hour each day, what would you do with it?

I’d go watch live music each time.

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

One of my former employers used to mention how she had started a motion with her business and that the wheel was not stopping (unless she decided to stop it herself), and that you were either in it or not. A lot of context is needed, but I now constantly apply it to my life; it’s mine, and only I have the power to ‘manipulate’ it however I want.

What is the worst piece of advice you have ever received?

That I need to be submissive.

When have you felt most accepted?

When I was with my now ex. I felt so cared for and seen with him.

When have you felt most supported?

When I started therapy. I started therapy about a year ago, and during that time, I was such an angry, devastated wreck. My therapist at the time showed me such care and support, walking me through the whole time period, and I’m grateful for that.

Is there anything you are avoiding?

I recently lost my job, about a week or so ago, and I’ve been avoiding telling my family the nitty-gritty of why and how I lost it because it’s such an embarrassing mistake that I made, and I can’t seem to bring myself to say it.

Have you ever confronted a fear? How did it go?

I lost my last job because of a mistake I made, and when I was confronted, I was so terrified and considered lying about it, in all honesty, but then I was like, I can’t add salt to the injury, so I came clean and took responsibility. I kind of knew what the consequences would be, but I’m glad I did what I did and that I kept my dignity in the long run. I was handled with so much grace, and I appreciate that.

What is one promise that you have kept to yourself?

At the beginning of the year, I wrote four aspirations, and among them was that I would like to look like I take care of myself and be hot and sexy AF, and I did!! It’s only up from here.

What is one promise that you have kept to someone else?

Funding my brother’s dream. Well, it’s still a work in progress, but I had promised to help financially, and I’ve been doing it and still doing it without fail.

How do you cope with stress?

I silently scream, sometimes sleep, but mostly journal. I’m big on journaling and have been doing it for a couple of years now. It helps me by allowing me to get inside my mind and just retrieve things. It doesn’t help immediately, but every time I’m done, it’s almost like I’ve walked a path with myself and understand some things better. It’s also nice when, after time has passed, I reread the entries, and I’m amused.

What is a moment you are most proud of?

When I moved out of my dad’s house. I was scared, and I barely had enough money saved, and I was a few months in on a new job, but I decided to just say fuck it and did it! I think it was one of my most audacious moments, and I’m super proud of it.

How do you celebrate yourself?

I make nice meals for myself.

What is something that you feel like you have to earn?

Acknowledgement. I try as much as possible to let people know that I see them, what they are good at, what they look like to me, and how appreciative I am of them. I feel like I always have to dig the same out of people, and yes, I can acknowledge myself, but it’s nice to feel seen!

What is something you feel like you are inherently worthy of?

Care, because why not?

When was the last time you changed your mind?

I moved back to the city recently after whining in my head about how it was the place for me and that I was deteriorating where I was, but then I got back here, and it was an immediate no for me. I can’t stay here, and I’m now actively trying to leave.

Is there anything you wish you could take back?

It wasn’t in my power, but if I could, our house wouldn’t have been demolished. Everything went downhill from there and has never come back up. I saw how it broke my dad, and he’s never been the same. It’s the one thing I wish I could give him back.

What does being true to yourself mean?

Never giving up on myself. I’ve worked to get to where I am with myself, my confidence, and the belief that I’ll make things work out for myself and, in extension, for my loved ones. Never losing that is being true to myself.

When do you feel in control?

An exact moment - there’s music, and I’m cooking, and I’m dancing, bonus points if I’m fresh from the shower. Always feels like the world is mine and mine alone.

When do you feel out of control?

When I’m back home. There’s the glaring realization of the poverty I have to dig my family and me out of. The despair. The hopelessness. Ugh I hate it so much.

Finish this sentence: It’s my life and…

I have to make the version in my head come true. The whole god-damned picture

BONUS: Tell me something good.

Sometime this year, I moved to a new town for a short while, and I think I became a woman there. I kind of had been feeling it, but the months I spent there just brought something out in me, and I felt so, soooo grounded in my being, my body, and my skin. I got to spend time with myself, listened to my voice out loud, and was naked most of the time, which was lovely! I got to dance, and it was a gorgeous experience that fully transformed me. The me that came from there is a lovely version.