#383. casual sex, college & surrounding yourself with community

Age: 21

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Student and part-time nanny

Income: Less than 10k a year

Astrological Sign: Aquarius

If you had an extra hour each day, what would you do with it?

Spend time on hobbies that I keep saying I want to spend more time doing, like yoga and drawing.

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

Right before my father’s mother died, she told me to forgive my mom and be kinder to her. I really took it to heart, and I would say that was the beginning of me trying to heal my relationship with my own mother.

What is the worst piece of advice you have ever received?

I have had other girls my age tell me they don’t think women can ever truly be satisfied with casual sex and that all girls deep down want to be in a relationship. I definitely think that participating in hook-up culture can be self-destructive, but I don’t think casual sex is inherently harmful, and I think it’s bad advice to suggest that girls should always be seeking a boyfriend.

When have you felt most accepted?

I feel most accepted in the friendships I have made with my college roommates. I think they really helped me see that love doesn’t have to be earned and that people love me for who I am, not for what I can do for them.

When have you felt most supported?

When I did a therapeutic retreat last June, I met the most amazing people who really helped me work through many issues. I am definitely still working on myself and my problems, but it is helpful to think about that feeling of being supported in that space.

Is there anything you are avoiding?

I avoid going to therapy.

Have you ever confronted a fear? How did it go?

Yes. I very rarely let fear keep me from doing something. I guess the worst fear I deal with regularly is a fear of being out of control, but obviously, you can tell from my answers that I don’t maintain control very well anyway, so I have to confront this one all the time, and it usually is fine because realistically we have very little control over anything other than our own reactions to things.

What is one promise that you have kept to yourself?

I honestly don’t like making promises to myself because I don’t want to get to a point where I can’t forgive myself for failing at something. I guess my promise would be to always choose forgiveness and forward thinking over ruminating on the past and my mistakes.

What is one promise that you have kept to someone else?

I don’t know. I don’t really like to make promises to other people either.

How do you cope with stress?

The healthy way I cope with stress is distance running; the unhealthy way I cope with stress would probably be with substances.

What is a moment you are most proud of?

When I got into my university.

How do you celebrate yourself?

Sharing my interests with the people around me and spending time doing things I love.

What is something that you feel like you have to earn?

People’s affection.

What is something you feel like you are inherently worthy of?

I honestly don’t know if I feel that I am inherently worthy of anything. Maybe basic respect?

When was the last time you changed your mind?

I change my mind all the time. I probably already changed my mind about ten things this morning alone. Mostly because I set my mind on things a lot, and then they almost never play out how I plan them in my head.

Is there anything you wish you could take back?

I think the only thing I have ever regretted was letting a guy friend of mine talk me into hooking up with him. I felt really gross about the whole situation, and I still regret letting that person have that access to me, and I regret giving in to something I knew I didn’t want to do just because I was drunk and I don’t like saying no to people.

What does being true to yourself mean?

I feel like being true to yourself means being vocal about your values and opinions, respecting yourself (whatever that means to you), and trying to surround yourself with a community that shares your values and recognizes and respects you for who you are rather than what you do.

When do you feel in control?

I feel in control when I clean my apartment and set reachable goals for myself. I also love to make calendars, schedules, to-do lists, and plans.

When do you feel out of control?

I feel out of control when I eat, when I think about everything I need to do at once, when I think about my family, and when I think about money.

Finish this sentence: It’s my life and…

Whatever will be will be.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

My little brother, who is the most dear person in the entire world to me, is in his first year of college, and he is super happy and absolutely loves it there.