#352. toxic relationships, treating yourself & fighting back

Age: 46

Relationship Status: Single/ Divorced

Occupation: Finance

Income: 52k per year

Astrological Sign: Libra

If you had an extra hour each day, what would you do with it?

I would probably dedicate it to self-care; exercise more, have more time to run errands, journal, etc.

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

It may feel like it in the moment, but the world isn’t ending when something bad happens. Whether someone passes away and you aren’t sure how to exist without them, or you have a bad breakup and can’t see past the current day, tomorrow always comes. And the day after that, and the day after that. You will always get through it.

What is the worst piece of advice you have ever received?

It probably sounds strange, but I would have to say my mother consistently telling me that I should not defend/stick up for myself. I get that it’s out of love and possibly out of fear of retaliation, as a mother. It’s odd to me that my mother raised me to be strong and independent, yet every time I should fight back when I'm wronged, she tells me not to.

When have you felt most accepted?

Well, I’ve always been considered the black sheep of the family... the rebellious one. But I think I’ve been accepted for being just that.

When have you felt most supported?

How sad is it for me to say never? I have supported myself for the majority of my life (since I was 16, I’m now 46). I don’t feel like I was ever encouraged to follow my dreams or even allowed to have them. In relationships, I’ve always been the one to support my partners and cheer them on from the sidelines while maintaining my own life. When something goes wrong, it’s up to me to figure it out and resolve it.

Is there anything you are avoiding?

I think I am avoiding partnership and intimacy even though that’s probably what I crave the most. I am not lonely. I am, and have always been, independent. However, I believe there is someone out there who could love me the way I want and deserve, but I will never let it happen because I am still damaged from past toxic relationships. It’s annoying to be self-aware, yet have no idea how to fix it (yes, I’ve done a ridiculous amount of therapy).

Have you ever confronted a fear? How did it go?

Well, I’m scared of heights, yet I found myself in a hot air balloon on my 40th birthday. The views were amazing, but certainly nothing I would ever do again.... EVER!!!!

What is one promise that you have kept to yourself?

I have promised myself to always be a good person, and I believe I have kept that promise. While emotional, my intentions are always good. Even when it doesn’t benefit me, I’m honest. I respect others, even when I don’t receive the same respect.

What is one promise that you have kept to someone else?

I don’t know if there is one promise in particular, but if you’re in my life, I promise my loyalty. I will always be there, even if it’s from afar. I will always try to validate your feelings, even if we don’t agree. I will always support and love unconditionally.

How do you cope with stress?

Suppressor and over-thinker here. Luckily, I have a sister (we’re 2 years apart) that I can vent to. I will also journal when I’m feeling overwhelmed or go on a walk with music.

What is a moment you are most proud of?

I think being a living kidney donor. I’m not married, I don’t have kids, and I live a (happy) mediocre life. But I feel like giving a second chance at life to someone who may not have gotten it otherwise was my life’s purpose, and I’m thankful I was able to do it.

How do you celebrate yourself?

Well, I love to shop, if we’re being honest. If I made it through the week, I deserve a little treat. If I’ve accomplished something, treat. If something good happens, treat (reward). As sad as it sounds, I don’t really have anyone to celebrate my wins, so I consistently celebrate myself. The world is currently a dumpster fire, so if something small will make me feel better, even if just for a moment, I’m going to do it.

What is something that you feel like you have to earn?

I think you have to earn what you get. You want money, get a job. You want trust, be a trustworthy person. You want respect, be respectful. One thing I’ve learned in this life: there are no handouts without consequences. No one is going to save you. And treat others the way you want to be treated without expectations.

What is something you feel like you are inherently worthy of?

In relationships: love, honesty, and respect. From others: respect, rights, and not being judged.

When was the last time you changed your mind?

Honey, I am a Libra...I don’t know the last time I DIDN’T change my mind (haha)!! Sign of the scales, I see both sides in every situation—it makes it impossible to make a decision.

Is there anything you wish you could take back?

I wish I could take back my last relationship. It was the most toxic time of my life. I lost myself. I lost a ton of weight. I lost my friends. My family distanced themselves from me because they detested my partner (now, understandably). I was constantly anxious. Incredibly insecure. I’m so mad at myself for not seeing it until after I left. It has taken me three years, and I’m still not the person I was before. I miss her.

What does being true to yourself mean?

I think it means not straying from your morals and beliefs. Not people pleasing for convenience. Doing what truly makes you happy. And not allowing anything less than your worth.

When do you feel in control?

I feel in control the majority of the time. I’m very type A... minimalist, organized, structured. I guess you can say, from past trauma, I have control issues.

When do you feel out of control?

Not to get political (but how can you not be right now), but I feel out of control given the state of our country. The issues are so big that it feels like there’s nothing I can do to fix them. Not individually anyway. It’s going to take all of us if we want change, and that is an extremely overwhelming feeling.

Finish this sentence: It’s my life and...

I will not live it based on societal norms. I do not need the white picket fence. I do not need to get married (again); I did not need to have children in order to feel “whole”.

I will live my life however it serves me.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

You know what’s good? There is always an escape...nature. Breathing fresh air. Sunlight that filters through the trees. Rainy days with no guilt of not being productive. The silence after a good snowfall. Nature will always welcome you, take a deep breath, take in the beauty, and realize nothing is that serious. This is life... we only have one... and it’s beautiful.