#381. being homeless, fearless & not giving a f*ck anymore

Age: 60 in October

Relationship Status: Single after walking away from a 24 year relationship

Occupation: Telephonist in a taxi office

Income: it varies, but not much more than the minimum wage

Astrological Sign: Scorpio

TW: suicidal ideation, self-harm

If you had an extra hour each day, what would you do with it?

I would try to teach myself self-discipline because I am shite at that.

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

Walk away.

What is the worst piece of advice you have ever received?

Be positive and smile.

When have you felt most accepted?

Have never been.

When have you felt most supported?

Have never been.

Is there anything you are avoiding?

Housework.

Have you ever confronted a fear? How did it go?

After being homeless and bouncing around cities, I am kind of fearless, as I don’t think that there is anything worse that has already been done.

What is one promise that you have kept to yourself?

Don’t give up hope and keep on trying.

What is one promise that you have kept to someone else?

I show up.

How do you cope with stress?

Not sure what I do normally. Sit by myself? I have contemplated killing myself on numerous occasions.

What is a moment you are most proud of?

Paid off my mortgage a few years ago, and that is the only tangible thing I can hang on to.

How do you celebrate yourself?

I don’t. It feels weird doing that, as I don’t think I have much to show for all my years of trying

What is something that you feel like you have to earn?

Acceptance.

What is something you feel like you are inherently worthy of?

I just want to have relationships that are two-way streets. I kind of abandoned myself when I was in a 24-year relationship. He has bipolar and major depressive disorder, and he was a huge alcoholic who self-harms. We lived together for the first ten years, and then I made him get a place of his own. It was best for him, so when he was doing alright, I spiraled. I think I have been functionally depressed for quite some time. I went to the doctor’s as it’s normally circumstantial stuff that depressed me, and I told the doctor about him, and she told me it wasn’t catching, and I gave up asking for help after that.

When was the last time you changed your mind?

About a month ago, I met a lady 20 years ago who was in the states, and I was knocking myself out with overtime, as I was going to save up and go to California in 2031 to collaborate on projects and help her, but that just turned into a one-way street, which I didn’t see. That gutted me.

Is there anything you wish you could take back?

I wish I hadn’t been so open, trusting, and helpful to certain people.

What does being true to yourself mean?

Knowing that things aren’t right and removing yourself - you can’t live with that.

When do you feel in control?

I don’t know how to answer, because it conjures up visions of being a control freak.

When do you feel out of control?

I go through phases of being anchorless.

Finish this sentence: It’s my life and…

And I am not going to give a fuck anymore.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

Well, I’m excited about the ministry of imagination as it’s a container for all my mad ideas, and I’m going to build a space for others who may be like me to come and play out with expressions. I might only have 20 or so years left, so I will strive to turn these into an actual thing or die trying. As I said, ideas have morphed into other things and keep on shaking me like a rag doll until I do something about them.