#362. living loud, loving hard & small rituals

Age: 22

Relationship Status: Extremely single

Occupation: Hospital administrator

Income: $27,600

Astrological Sign: Virgo, I think!

If you had an extra hour each day, what would you do with it?

Honestly? I work a 9-5 and I love being at home, so probably FaceTime my mom and listen to her ramble on about how my dad hasn’t done the dishes or the dogs are dragging mud through the house again. They live in another country, so I miss them fiercely. Or I’d probably use it to sit on the couch with a cup of tea and some chocolate fingers, wrapped up in a blanket, watching a comfort show with my roommates.

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

Now that’s a tough one…It would be my mom telling me, “you can’t pour from an empty mug” It took me ages to really get what she meant, but my take on it is – mind yourself first, you can’t take care of everyone else and ignore your own needs. I tend to forget about myself sometimes, but then I realize that I just need to make a cup of tea, light a candle and remember to love myself first. My mom has always been a wise one!

What is the worst piece of advice you have ever received?

Someone once told me, “Don’t be sad, they’re in a better place”, when I lost my nan, who I lived with at the time. It frustrated me because grief doesn’t have a flicker you can switch off. People mean well but they don’t get that when you’ve said goodbye to so many loved ones - moving away or passing on - you can’t just get over it, it sticks with you for a long time like a shadow, you see them everywhere you go and you get sad randomly on a Tuesday afternoon at work when you can’t text them to chat.

When have you felt most accepted?

Probably the first time I moved into my current apartment. My friend’s roommate was moving out and was desperate to find someone to move in. My nan had just died, so I had to find somewhere to live or I’d have to go back to my parents in another country. She didn’t even think twice about it. She told me on Wednesday that I could move in by Sunday, and there I was. I’ve been here for a year now, and it was the best decision of my life. She took me in with open arms when I needed it, and I´ll forever be grateful.

When have you felt most supported?

That’s an easy one! I decided not to go to college and move away at 19, no degree, no plan, no friends, no connections. Just me and my suitcase full of useless stuff my parents made me pack. I was terrified and lonely AS FUCK - but knowing everyone supported my decision kept me going. Even now, when I’m feeling homesick and want to go back, I remember how much they trusted me to start fresh on my own, and it makes me realize I am stronger than I think.

Is there anything you are avoiding?

I’ve been avoiding going home a lot lately. I haven’t been back to my parents in 8 months, but the thought of them getting old and my old doggo terrifies me. I don’t know if he’ll still be there by the time I go back next… I miss it every single day. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, thinking about how much I miss it, but facing that kind of change scares me. I keep saying once I can get the time off work, I’ll go visit, but honestly, I’m shitting myself about having to face that kind of heartbreak.

Have you ever confronted a fear? How did it go?

I decided to quit my life of working with the public, in tourism, to get an office job, and it was extremely nerve-wracking at first, a new environment, new ways of working and new people. It turned out to be the best decision I ever made. Some of my closest friends are the people I’ve met in this job - so close I even fucking live with one of them now!

What is one promise that you have kept to yourself?

I promised myself no matter how difficult things get, I’d never let it change my way of loving people. I’ve lost people, moved away from everyone I love, cried more times than I’d like to admit — but I swore I’d never stop loving deeply or showing people how much they mean to me. Even when it hurts, even when it’s easier to shut off and pretend I don’t care.

What is one promise that you have kept to someone else?

My mom made me promise her I’d never give up on something that once made me happy. When she dropped me off at the airport to move away, she was bawling and told me that even when times get really fucking hard, remember the reason you did it in the first place. So even though I sometimes feel like packing my bags at 3am and going back “home”, I hear her voice in my head, telling me how proud she is of the life I’ve built for myself at 22. A bonus promise! She told me to always live with my friends for a while before settling in with a boyfriend, cause that’s what she did. She went straight from her parents’ house to her husband’s, and she always regrets not having the fun of living with her girlfriends, having movie nights, and feeling like a constant sleepover. I am delighted I listened to her and went along with it!

How do you cope with stress?

Nothing that a blanket, a cup of tea, a few candles and a good movie can’t fix! If I’m really down in the dumps, I’ll call my brothers or my mom and rant like a lunatic. It’s all about small rituals to make myself feel grounded when I can’t cope anymore. I tend to guilt-trip my friends into coming over and ordering dinner sometimes, too - oops!!

What is a moment you are most proud of?

My proudest moment is when I was living with my grandmother, she took me in when I decided to move, even though she was really sick with breast cancer - fucking terrible thing. One morning, I went into her room before work to bring her a cup of coffee, like I did every day, until I realized she wasn’t looking good. I tried to compose myself, called the ambulance, and they took her away. She died that same night, but I’ll always feel proud of having been with her in her last moments and of having had the privilege of sharing a home with her.

How do you celebrate yourself?

Ah, sure I don’t tend to do anything crazy. I’ll have some friends come round, we’ll have some dinner, and have a games night. If I’m feeling very celebratory, we’ll go into town, have some drinks, and go dancing. Nothing too out of the ordinary!

What is something that you feel like you have to earn?

My sense of belonging. I don’t tend to always feel like I fit in with people. I don’t have many friends, and when they introduce me to new people, I try my hardest to fit in rather than just be myself. It’s not easy feeling like that, but sure, look, it’ll get better eventually. It is what it is.

What is something you feel like you are inherently worthy of?

Probably love - sincere, pure, genuine love. I always thought you had to work hard for it, be helpful, be the funny friend, change yourself to be worthy of love, but, funnily enough, I have found out after a long time that I don’t. My people love me for being me, and that’s what I love about them, too. I’ve spent so much time far away from the people I love the most, and I’ve realized that love doesn’t disappear with distance, you don’t need to work for it, and if you do, then it’s not for you!

When was the last time you changed your mind?

When my mom got really sick with cancer, I wanted to move back to my parents. I was lonely, sad, and lost, really. I decided I wanted to go back to the comfort of their home and warm embraces, but I didn’t. I stuck it out and stayed. When she got better, I realized I wasn’t running back home; I was running away from the sadness of being here and the guilt. I’m glad I didn’t move back, I’m finding myself, bit by bit.

Is there anything you wish you could take back?

This is gonna be a tough one…I didn’t really realize it when I was younger, you know, I thought my dad was just stressed and tired a lot of the time, or that he’d have a few too many drinks to take the edge off, but I didn’t see it for what it was or what a toll it was taking on my mom. Looking back, I hate that I couldn’t do more to help her. I felt so small, like nothing I could do would’ve made a difference. And now, even though I was just a kid, I carry that guilt — the feeling that I should’ve been more aware, more present, more… able to support her. It was hard, but it made me the person I am today. I became more aware of the little signs, never wanting the people I love to feel alone in their situations.

What does being true to yourself mean?

It means not pretending to be something I’m not. You’re not going to fit into everyone’s mold of being the perfect person. It’s about owning up to your feelings, your passions, even your quirks and imperfections. It’s saying no to things that drain you, even though others expect you to say yes. It’s about not fighting who you are but embracing it and loving you for you.

When do you feel in control?

When I’m helping the people I love, just checking in, making sure they’ve had dinner, or doing little things that might make their day better. It feels good to know that I can do a bit of good and be present for them. Weirdly, chaos around me doesn’t bother me as long as I’ve got that one corner where I can breathe and just be me. That’s my power spot.

When do you feel out of control?

Ah, honestly? I feel most out of control when something happens back home, and I can’t be there. Like when my mom’s sick, or when one of my nieces or nephews has a birthday I’m missing, or the dogs aren’t doing well — that helpless feeling eats away at me. It’s like watching your whole world from behind a glass wall, wanting to reach in but knowing you can’t. I also spiral a bit when I feel disconnected from people, when everyone’s busy, and I start thinking I’m just out here on my own. Being far away has made me strong, but Jesus, some days it feels like I’m hanging on by a thread.

Finish this sentence: It’s my life and…

I refuse to spend it saying goodbye and being sad! I’ve spent so many years watching the people I love move away or pass on, and I’ve realized I don’t want to live like that, constantly holding back, scared to show how much I care, or too afraid to chase what actually makes me happy. I’m going to live loud, love hard, and make sure the people I love know exactly how much they mean to me — even if it hurts sometimes. Life is too short to think like that, don’t hold back!!

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I am stronger, braver, and more capable than I’ve ever realized. These questions have opened my eyes to all the good things in my life, even when it gets hard sometimes!