#329. sunrises, self-defense & sending care packages

Age: 26

Relationship Status: Single

Occupation: Scientist

Income: $65,000 annually

Astrological Sign: Pisces

How are you, really?

Exhausted. I’m constantly torn between enjoying the moment and living up to my full potential, wanting to spread my wings and leave home, but also needing to stay home to support my parents. All while trying to understanding that everyone takes life at a different place but feeling behind all my peers. I was so determined and full of life in high school and college, and now with no clear next step to reach for, I just feel like I’m floundering, and it’s exhausting.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

I took a self-defense course (RAD) by myself! I rarely do anything by myself, but this course was designed for females. It was so empowering, and I recommend all females take one!

What is something you hope never changes?

I hope I always see the beauty in the sunrise and sunset.

When do you feel most capable?

I feel the most capable running. It’s such a mental sport. I know that I can stop and walk anytime I want, and yet I keep going. It makes me feel grateful for my body and makes me feel strong.

How do you nurture yourself?

Running, baking, and listening to music.

How do you nurture others?

I love sending care packages and memes to my friends! Little random things to let them know I am thinking of them and am so proud of them.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

Trigger Warning:

I was sexually assaulted in college. I went to a club and got pinned by a random stranger. I tried to fight him off, but my voice was frozen. I never screamed. I was so scared of being blamed for wearing a skirt, for going to the club in the first place, or not yelling for help that I never reported it either. It haunts me at night that I never spoke up and has affected all my romantic relationships since.

What is something that turns you on?

Communication! Just tell me that you are busy or how you are really feeling. I don’t expect 24/7-hour communication, nor do I expect you to be happy all the time. I just want to be able to meet people where they are, and I can’t do that if people don’t communicate.

What is something that turns you off?

People who don’t follow through. If you commit to something, please just follow through. Or at the very least, communicate that you can’t! People who say they are going to do something and then don’t or ghost people/situations, drive me crazy.

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

I hate that this is a hard question to answer. I’m such a people-pleaser that I often stay in situations just to avoid rocking the boat. I cut ties with several extended family members a few years ago. Their constant drama and manipulation were toxic. I’m grateful for peace, but I feel grief for the small family I have left.

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

Rarely! I’m trying to be better at leaving work at work and leaving home at home. I think it’s hard to put sections of yourself into boxes, though, and so it feels like I am constantly bleeding over into all the different areas of my life.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

Taking on a new project at work! I was definitely underqualified, but I had so much fun learning. I eventually got to present my work at a conference, and it reminded me how much I love being a scientist.

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

Changing deadlines and agreeing to too many projects. I love to plan things out, so when I run short on time/overschedule myself, I get overwhelmed and struggle. I’m not great at asking for help, though I’m trying to be better!

How do you move forward?

“You did the best you could with the information you had at the time” – unknown

I constantly tell myself this quote (sorry, I have no idea who the author is - I read it on Pinterest ages ago). There will always be what-ifs, should-haves, could-haves, etc. At the end of the day, though, I can’t change what happened, and I must accept I did the best I could with the knowledge/bandwidth/emotions/information I had in the moment.

What is something that will always make you laugh?

My friends! And Tom Holland vs Zendaya lip sync battle.

What is something that will always make you cry?

A lot! I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so anything from dogs dying in movies to real-life deaths and violence makes me cry. Lately, I have been thinking about all the women who have been killed while out running. I take a moment before every run to pay respects to all the women who were unable to finish their runs and make it home.

Have you ever been betrayed?

Unfortunately. I told a boyfriend about my sexual assault and asked him not to pin me due to PTSD. Not even half an hour later, he did and triggered a panic attack.

What is your greatest temptation?

Chocolate and online shopping.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

Peace for my current life. I'm constantly thinking about what I’m missing (not owning a home, not having met my significant other, not having pets, not knowing if I want to stay in my current job, etc.). I just want to find peace with where I am currently and let the pieces fall where they may.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

Babies giggling at puppies.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I’m a firm believer that there is good if you are willing to look for it. Go watch the sunrise or sunset, see babies experience the world for the first time, see a dog get excited to see their owner after being left alone all day, and see flowers grow back after a fire. There is good all around us.