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Writer's pictureDevyn Penney

#136. the joy of grandchildren, the burden of guilt & the desire to fix it




Age: 76

Relationship Status:  20 Years Widowed

Occupation:  Retired / Part-Time Baker

Income: 28k

Astrological Sign: Scorpio Sun, Libra Moon, Virgo Rising (0.01 degree)

 

What is your first thought every morning?

Am I going to have a wonderful day? Am I going to achieve a lot? Am I going to be good at my job? I know I am, but I still ask.

 

What is something you do solely for you?

Go to bingo. Visit my sister. Make my home clean and happy. Make myself good meals. Feed the animals, strays around my place. Talk with little kids.

 

What is something you dread?

Knowing how separated the family is. Holidays are not spent together; not all of us are in the same place. My daughter and son haven’t spoken to each other in over 10 years, and I wish there was something I could do to change that.

 

What is something you are looking forward to?

Going to work, I like connecting with customers and the people I work with.

 

When do you feel most accomplished?

When I do a good job in every aspect of my life.

 

What is something you regret investing in financially?

In ‘88, I was supposed to start a catering company with my daughter’s friend’s mother, but she took the money we were supposed to use to start the business and used it for herself. Unfortunately, we could never prove that she used the funds maliciously, so we just completely cut ties.

 

What is something you regret investing in emotionally?

First Instinct: Nothing.


Afterthought: Taking the issues between my children personally, and how I can’t fix it. No matter how hard I try, I cannot fix it. I have to let it be, and maybe one day it will come together.

 

What are three things you think are absolutely worth the investment?

(financially, emotionally, or time/energy-wise)

  1. Creating a family, having children and grandchildren.

  2. Helping my grandchildren accomplish what they want to do.

  3. Material things are just material things; it’s all about the people around you who make you happy.

 

When do you feel most creative?

When I am baking; making wedding cakes and cookies. Crocheting - I taught sewing in the 80s.

 

How often do you compare yourself to others? When?

I don’t think I really do; I appreciate how others operate differently than I do. Sometimes, I may look at other people's houses and note how they clean.

 

What is one thing you’d like to thank your past self for?

For having children and grandchildren, for having a wonderful husband.

 

What is one thing you believe about your future self?

One day, I will accomplish something—I don’t know what. I have so many things I would like to accomplish, but nothing as a number one. I will accomplish something and not be disappointed.

 

What is one thing you learned in childhood that you have now had to unlearn in adulthood?

Clinging onto things and people, letting go of things I was able to do as a child but could no longer do as an adult. The importance of communicating, even when it is hard.

 

Have you ever felt pure joy? When?

This goes back to my family. Pure joy was having grandchildren; if it weren’t for them, I would not be on this Earth. After the death of my husband, they saved me. To see them being born and how they’ve grown to this point is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

 

What is something that would feel really good to get off your chest?

When I was 16, boys would always try to pick me up at my job. There was this one boy who asked me to get coffee with him, and I agreed. I got on his motorcycle, and we went and got a coffee, and it was nice. On the way back to my house, he asked if we could stop at the park, and I agreed. He then grabbed my hair and pushed me to the ground… You can infer what happened next…I never spoke to anyone about what happened to me that day, even when he started dating my sister. I know he probably did the same to her, and I have always been haunted by the shame and guilt of not telling her what he did to me.

 

When do you feel most in your feminine energy?

Talking and sharing stories with other women. Also, when I was married to my husband.

 

What is one interaction that changed your life?

When I finally confessed to a friend about the trauma I endured as a teen when I was in my 50s. It was the first time I had ever talked about what happened out loud, out of fear of what others would think of me. It was relieving to finally speak about it, and even more relieving that he did not judge me how I feared everyone would.

 

What is something you want to give up?

The guilt of my children not speaking to each other. I feel like, as a mother, I should be able to get them to speak to each other and make amends, but my son is too stubborn. I need to come to terms with the fact I can talk until I am blue in the face, but if they do not want to heal and make amends themselves, there’s nothing I can do.

 

What is something you want to take up?

I’m a plain and simple person. There’s nothing new I want to take up that I am not doing already.


When my kids were little, I had written a children's story about a chameleon that would change into anything that would help with the issues of the animal it was talking to. If a bear got into a fight with a cat, the chameleon changed into a bear and helped make amends with the cat. Even when my husband read it, he admitted it was good. I wish I could find that story and get it published, as I think it would be a great story to help little kids.

 

What do you believe is a universal truth?

Live by the ten commandments and do the best you can.

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