#404. writing a book, working on a wine farm & being whimsical

Age: 46

Relationship Status: Married - second

Occupation: Author and entrepreneur

Income: debatable

Astrological Sign: Gemini

Describe your ideal morning:

I left the corporate work week 2 and a half years ago, and it took me almost as long to get out of the military regime of getting out of bed and rushing around to get ready for the day. Now I wake up at 7, get coffee in bed, my daughter is old enough to make her own lunch and get dressed in time for her spare dad to get her to school, so when I ooze out of bed, I sit and read the news first with brekkie in hand and by the time he is back from the school run, I am ready to get going for the day ahead. That sets me up for a far more productive day; my brain and mental state are ready to focus and work. It usually then follows to either me, taking a walk with one dog to the beach for a swim, or all 3 dogs up the mountain for a walk.

What is the last thing you think about before going to sleep?

Ooh, this could take an entire 12 pages, but I’ll make it short. Up to a few years ago, I had to have a few glasses of wine in the evening to still my brain to actually sleep, a very bad habit! Then I met my now husband and started healing, so my drinking slowed. I saw a doctor who prescribed anti-anxiety meds and sleeping tablets, so I take those, not to be comatose, but to still my non-stop, overreacting brain! So, my last thoughts are usually on what I have just read on Reddit, which makes me sleepy too, especially when reading creepy camp stories. Before it would have been everything from “What is the plan if someone breaks in?” to “I need to check on my daughter every 5 mins” or “I can’t believe I said such stupid things when I was 13.”

If you could talk openly about any of the following ‘taboo’ subjects at a dinner party: politics, religion, money, or sex, what is one question you would pose to the table?

Politics - I have talked about the orange fuck nugget for so long, about what a terrible person he is, so many of you thought I was being silly, and nothing would affect us being in SA, or how good he’d be for the world. Have you thought of how you are going to apologize to me and admit you were wrong?

Religion - Explain to me again how this guy, Jesus, was a jew but then became a Christian, and then all the different sects of Christianity and Judaism decided they actually all hated each other, and war would be the answer? Also, why is this god person such a prick who gets to decide who they like or don’t like?

Money - If you are rich enough to be able to afford multiple houses and multiple expensive cars, trips overseas a few times a year, the best and most expensive of everything, you are rich enough to pay it forward and sponsor at least one kid to receive a good education, clothing, food, books, safety, until they are at least 18. Or pay for dog and cat sterilizations. Just pay it forward.

Sex - most men have no clue about what they are doing, and very few women actually come with just a penis going in and out of a vagina.

What is something you wish were taught in school?

I matriculated in 1996 - guidance counseling was pathetic - if you were not a mathematical genius or science-oriented, there really wasn’t much choice given to you. I managed to get enough points to study Law, but even then, there was very little guidance as to what different streams you could take. I definitely think, in my day, simply learning academic subjects put us on the back foot - there were no practical life skills given, how do I navigate life after school?

How do you define personal happiness?

Seeing your child thrive and feeling safe enough to put yourself first to do the things you always wanted to do.

When do you feel most helpless?

When I cannot control my own situations and outcomes, but mostly if I cannot help my child when it is a life lesson they are navigating. Globally, when I hear all the awful stories of what women and children are going through, and there is not a single thing I can do to take their pain away, or even better, stop it from happening entirely.

What is something you are nostalgic about?

I am a rather whimsical person, so nostalgia for me can be smelling baking bread, cooking certain dishes, looking at the full moon, smelling the ocean, looking at old photos, or listening to the music I used to dance to in the 90’s growing up. Nostalgia is about memories, so I guess I am lucky I have good ones.

When does, or will, your life feel complete?

I always said I’d feel complete when I met my birth mother - to close that final link in the chain. I have met her, and she is wonderful. It has completed that part of my journey, but I have realized many more chains need to be completed - maybe on my deathbed I will look back and say that I have accomplished enough to be satisfied and go in peace.

What is something you have forgiven, but will never forget?

This is a tough one - I have forgiven my adopted mother for saying that I am from the gutter and was thrown away, no one wanted me. But I will never forget those words. I have forgiven her for telling me I am stupid every day and hitting me continuously, but I will never forget how that made me feel. I have forgiven myself for making stupid mistakes and decisions that probably set me back years, but I will not forget those decisions in order for me not to make them again.

What is one decision that seemed small at the time, but completely changed the direction or course of your life?

To work part-time at a wine farm while studying, I didn’t leave the industry for the next 24 years.

What is something that comes easily to you?

Laughing, reading people, and empathy.

What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

Getting through losing my dad at age 17.

Where is your favorite place on Earth?

Wherever my daughter, husband, and animals are. As a place, I have traveled quite a bit, and honestly, the Western Cape, South Africa, is hard to beat.

If you woke up tomorrow and were in charge of EVERYTHING, what would be the first thing you would do to make the world a better place?

Making punishment for sexual predation and abuse far more severe. Ensuring educational accessibility to all and ensuring that period poverty is obliterated for every girl in need of menstrual products. Also, it applies to vaccines!

Finish this sentence: money can’t buy you happiness, but it can afford you…

Education, food, proper housing, proper healthcare, clothing (not about excess, but at least you can stay warm in winter), and looking after pets properly.

What is the best thing you have been gifted or purchased on your own within the last year?

Paying for a writing coach to help me through the process of finishing my book and editing it to be publishing-ready!

If you could give a woman who is 10 years younger than you a single piece of advice, what would it be?

You are beautiful as you are; you don’t have to be perfect or obsess about weight and the way you look because every single person on this planet is beautiful in their own special way, most importantly, starting from within. Once we start to see people as unique and not boring, vanilla, carbon copies, we can start to appreciate the true value of people’s magnificence. Also, you are probably the most intelligent person sitting around a boardroom table of men, don’t ever make yourself or your voice small for anyone, be brave enough to be heard.

Is there anyone who knows everything about you?

My brain is too busy and flips too much for any person to know everything about me. I am on the spectrum, so having masked for almost 47 years, I don’t tend to share everything with just anyone. I do have a handful of people who know versions of me.

If you knew that life was short, what is one thing you would do right now?

Spend all the time with the people I love the most and travel to the places I haven’t been able to get to.

If you knew that life was long, what is one thing you would do right now?

Slowdown and not feel that I have to accomplish so much so quickly in a given time period. Knowing I have the time to tick off my bucket list.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I am actually accomplishing something by finishing my book and working to launch my nonalcoholic Spritz range. It has taken years to feel confident enough to do something for myself. It is also the first time in my life that I am taking the time to get to know the real me, not the person behind a mask, trying to fit in.